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Original poster

To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

285 replies

BeGladHedgehog · 26/10/2024 22:21

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Farmgoose · 27/10/2024 06:05

My 83 year old father would be horrified to be told he couldn’t drive. He does 10 mile hikes and complex software programming for fun. Don’t be so controlling.
It’s nice to offer options if you’re worried that someone else might be worried but seems he has been loud and clear about his capabilities.

Needanadultgapyear · 27/10/2024 06:21

I can't see anywhere that you have a genuine concern for driving ability- drives a bit aggressively thousands of young men do this.
My Dad is 83 on Friday he drove from Suffolk to Yorkshire and will home next Friday, two weeks later he will drive to Berkshire for a weekend and he will then return to Berkshire for Christmas. He has a blue badge for post polio syndrome. They stop off to get a coffee and break the journey. He manages it all wit ease.
What he would not do is manage their luggage and the dog across London for the train journey,

UpTheMagicFarawayTree · 27/10/2024 06:26

Just leave them to make their own travel arrangements, 83 really isn't that old.

milveycrohn · 27/10/2024 06:27

My DBIL was driving at 86. His only concern was that he no longer wanted to drive at night.
This is not surprising as I also find the new led lights glaring at night.
He was a very safe driver.
It really depends on the person.
Now my DH, I have always hated his driving, even when he was 35 (a long time ago).

SallyWD · 27/10/2024 06:28

I have exactly the same situation except that it's my mum who drives (dad is no longer able to), and they're coming 270 miles!
To be honest, the train is not an option as it's three different trains and a tube and my dad isn't mobile.
I've even thought about a taxi, but they refused.
We've reached a compromise of sorts in that they'll stay in a bnb halfway through each journey. Therefore, my mum will only do 2.5 hours driving each day. I'm still worried but feel much better about this.
Could yours stay somewhere to break up the journey?

saraclara · 27/10/2024 06:38

User14March · 27/10/2024 05:39

Seriously, call their & your local cab company & ask for best price. I was able to negotiate a good price for a long distance like this over Xmas period. They’ll arrive more relaxed & you could split with sibling who isn’t paying to host or food.

For two journeys of 200 miles? (Plus the taxi driver's return journeys). We're you traveling on Christmas Eve and Boxing day?

coffeesaveslives · 27/10/2024 06:42

Seeing as you're unable or unwilling to travel, I don't think you get to dictate what your parents do in order to spend time with you over Christmas!

If you keep digging your heels in, they won't bother at all.

rookiemere · 27/10/2024 06:46

Twixfixing · 27/10/2024 01:18

This is MNs and for some reason people can’t accept the reality that someone at 83 might have slower reflexes & be tired doing such a long journey.

I don't think many are denying that this would be a harder drive for an elderly person than a younger one.

However short of banning them from the house OP can't really stop them from making the journey.

PeriPeriMam · 27/10/2024 06:47

If he is still a good driver, you're being unreasonable. You could suggest they come on Christmas day itself and go back a bit later eg 29th if the traffic worries you. Christmas day is a wonderful day for an early drive unless you're particularly devoutly religious.

user1474315215 · 27/10/2024 06:51

If this was a post about parents trying to tell their adult children what to do it would be seen as controlling.
I'm in my 70s and one of my children, with the best possible motives, sometimes tries to tell me that I'll find something or other too tiring. I find it offensive and patronising.
If the OPs parent is safe to drive she has no right to try to stop him. It's ageism.

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 06:59

user1474315215 · 27/10/2024 06:51

If this was a post about parents trying to tell their adult children what to do it would be seen as controlling.
I'm in my 70s and one of my children, with the best possible motives, sometimes tries to tell me that I'll find something or other too tiring. I find it offensive and patronising.
If the OPs parent is safe to drive she has no right to try to stop him. It's ageism.

My parents are in the 70s and I have to tell them because by continuing to drive, they are putting the safety of others at risk. It's incredibly selfish.
They say "x y z is older than us and still drives". Maybe they do but my parents' driving is not safe anymore. Only someone who has been their passenger for a while would know that.

I'm livid my mum has started driving again after a break and waiting for them to become unsavoury news items.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 07:04

NoisyDenimShaker · 26/10/2024 23:18

If you don't want to have your parents for Christmas, just admit it rather than going through this train farce. You surely can't be that controlling. You just want a Christmas off from them.

Don't be such a twat. OP has offered to pay for them to travel by train in 1st class and will pick them up from the station. Her dad is an aggresive driver, her sister won't go in a car with him driving and her mum gets stressed out in a car with him. If he does drive, OP would like them to stay for longer so that they aren't travelling on the two of the busiest days of the year.

Why do you think that all means that she doesn't want to have her parents for Christmas, when she would actually like them to stay longer?

Owly11 · 27/10/2024 07:13

You don't give any information about your father's actual driving skills other than he is aggressive. What does this mean? Sometimes being slightly aggressive is safer than being overly slow/cautious. If the DVLA say he is fit to drive and you have no actual evidence to the contrary then you are being very unreasonable. It's only 200 miles, easily do-able with a coffee break half way and much more relaxing and convenient than any other option. It's not your decision and you need to deal with your own anxiety.

vdbfamily · 27/10/2024 07:34

Let him drive and take himself back for the footie and your mum could stay on and go back by train. Then she only had to endure one journey with him. My dad is same age and would not be phased by a 200 mile drive as long as he planned toilet stops in advance! In fact we're live on South coast and he would still drive to Scotland to see family.

LoobyDoop2 · 27/10/2024 07:51

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 06:59

My parents are in the 70s and I have to tell them because by continuing to drive, they are putting the safety of others at risk. It's incredibly selfish.
They say "x y z is older than us and still drives". Maybe they do but my parents' driving is not safe anymore. Only someone who has been their passenger for a while would know that.

I'm livid my mum has started driving again after a break and waiting for them to become unsavoury news items.

Show quote history

This. All the people furiously defending older drivers’ rights are conveniently forgetting that it isn’t just about them, it’s about everyone else on the road, all of whom have the right not to be put at risk because some is too sensitive or stubborn to accept that they don’t have the reaction speed or stamina that they used to have.

kitsuneghost · 27/10/2024 07:55

Do you take the train often OP.
took us 5 hours to get what would have been a 1.5H drive.
Standing in the rain for 1hr on first leg waiting for a rail replacement that never happened. Another train mobbed because the previous one was cancelled (oh and that first class was therefore gone along with any seat reservations.) Change of platform so mad dash over the bridge. Also no space for luggage.

Are your parents fit enough for all this. I actually liked it but wouldn't want my 83 year old parents doing it especially if it becomes cold and icy.

Frozensun · 27/10/2024 08:00

Just interested. If he says ‘no’ to the train, are you ok that they won’t be coming for Christmas (and possibly other times)?

saraclara · 27/10/2024 08:01

I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train.

This is why people are responding as they are. An invitation to Christmas being offered only on certain terms. Which is pretty offensive, and which no-one is going to react well to.

OP had not said that her father is unsafe to drive. Her sister thinks he's fine.

I'm very aware of the effects of increasing age, and fully intend to stop driving when I'm not as responsive as I should be (but don't we all say that?). But if I was given an ultimatum like that (at Christmas of all times) I would not react well, and I can imagine digging my heels in.

Bestinshow22 · 27/10/2024 08:03

In relation to my dad’s driving, I don’t have any recent personal experience, but all I know is he is a very aggressive driver, and my sibling won’t get into a car with him, and my mum hates being a passenger, as my dad gets in such a bad temper (this is not a recent thing - he has been like this all of this life)

So he has always been an aggressive driver but you didn't have any objection to him doing this drive in the past, so why now? You don't (from what you say) have any evidence of him being less safe than he was a year ago.

Quebeccles · 27/10/2024 08:08

With the best will in the world, @BeGladHedgehog, you've said a few times that you'll pay for the train etc, but as people keep saying, there will probably be no trains, at least on Boxing Day. And doing a 200-mile journey by train on Christmas Eve is a NIGHTMARE (literally the nightmare before Christmas - sorry, I’ll get my coat. But it is). Fistfights have been known to break out. It’s genuinely horrendous.

As it happens, I live 200 miles from family and I either drive or go by train, so this scenario is very familiar to me. There’s no better alternative, I'm afraid. Driving will also be hell. The normal 4-hour trip can easily take 5, 6 or more at Christmas thanks to sheer weight of traffic, and you’re just in a virtual queue the entire way. I wouldn’t fancy that on your mum's behalf with an aggressive driver in his 80s. If he was laid-back and an ex-driving teacher, then no problem, but if he scares everyone anyway?

Unless they can fly (terrible for the environment - I know) I honestly think they should stay at home. Sorry.

kitsuneghost · 27/10/2024 08:15

kitsuneghost · 27/10/2024 07:55

Do you take the train often OP.
took us 5 hours to get what would have been a 1.5H drive.
Standing in the rain for 1hr on first leg waiting for a rail replacement that never happened. Another train mobbed because the previous one was cancelled (oh and that first class was therefore gone along with any seat reservations.) Change of platform so mad dash over the bridge. Also no space for luggage.

Are your parents fit enough for all this. I actually liked it but wouldn't want my 83 year old parents doing it especially if it becomes cold and icy.

Forgot the bit where they stopped for ages and told people that if you are standing some ofyou will need to get off as the train is too busy to move. Cue everyone getting off. (Not!!!) Train v passenger impasse.

ButterCrackers · 27/10/2024 08:24

kitsuneghost · 27/10/2024 07:55

Do you take the train often OP.
took us 5 hours to get what would have been a 1.5H drive.
Standing in the rain for 1hr on first leg waiting for a rail replacement that never happened. Another train mobbed because the previous one was cancelled (oh and that first class was therefore gone along with any seat reservations.) Change of platform so mad dash over the bridge. Also no space for luggage.

Are your parents fit enough for all this. I actually liked it but wouldn't want my 83 year old parents doing it especially if it becomes cold and icy.

It’s better to take the train/bus than be an unfit driver (aggressive) causing a crash with consequences for others for always. They sound able to walk and manage. If not then assistance can be organised. I know that the trains are unreliable and expensive but they are not travelling daily for work.

MaloryJones · 27/10/2024 08:24

Pigeonqueen · 26/10/2024 22:24

I think if your df is in good health and a safe driver then it’s fine. Not everyone reaches 80 odd and suddenly becomes unsafe to drive. My ex in laws are 85 and drive everywhere. They’re as fit and with it as others 20 years younger. Also, a lot of people would find taking the train a lot more stressful and difficult than driving - I have health issues (I’m 44) and there’s no way I’d want to go on a long train journey anywhere.

This ^

DDad gave up his licence due to catraracts and it being the right thing to do. He was upset about it, very much so, but got over it.
DM, 81, still drives and will continue to do so until she feels she is not safe to do so anymore.
Would they be having a break on the way up or home OP ?

kitsuneghost · 27/10/2024 08:30

How busy the roads are must really depend where you live.
Has he done the drive at Christmas before, if do he will know how busy it is snc whether he would manage.
Personally I drive London to Glasgow and there always talk about how busy it's gonna be and it is always fairly quiet.

Cooriedoon · 27/10/2024 08:32

At 83, he's an adult and gets to decide for himself. Not to be told what to do like a child

Not entirely true. I know plenty adults who've had to report their own elderly parents for unsafe driving. It's not that uncommon for elderly people to deny they are a risk on the roads and need intervention to ensure the safety of others. I bet the mother of the 3 year old who was mown down and killed near me by a 90 year old mounting the pavement wishes her family had stopped her driving. Sometimes it is necessary to intervene.