To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think you get to choose how they travel. You can tell them how you feel, but to not let them visit unless they get the train feels mean. I understand that you're worried about them, but getting a train can be extremely tiring, inconvenient, etc. It may be that your dad hasn't lost any of the skills needed to drive well, but he or your mum might have age-related issues that make trains harder - walking issues, bladder problems, hearing issues, etc. They might also, justifiably, be worried about the crazy busyness of trains on Christmas Eve.
Ultimately, it's their choice. If you think your dad is actually not able to drive properly anymore, that's a different issue and you need to have that conversation instead.

@Needanewname42 they should call cab companies & explore, there may be a solution right there. Especially if split costs with sibling/s that are not hosting on Christmas day.

@TheKhakiBiscuit not thousands. Our local cab companies decimated by Uber & happy to do a reasonable deal with local customers. Anyway definitely worth a call to fully explore options.

You can be a rubbish driver at 55 and/or a good driver at 83. His age is irrelevant, tbh. Most accidents happen close to home, so if you think he is unsafe then that's a whole separate issue.

But 200 miles isn't very far. If he has capacity and is reasonably competent, then he needs to be allowed to make his own decisions. And the trains are always f*cking awful at Xmas.

You can't be all "nanny-ish" with people, OP - think how much you'd hate it if someone treated you that way.

@BIossomtoes No I wasn't saying driving at all, was uncommon over 80 - my 80yr old mum is a fantastic driver. I was referring to PP's mid-80s parents driving to & around Spain & Ireland!

Why don't you go to him? Take the food with you and all pile into wherever he lives? Even if it's a tiny place, I'd put up with it to see my elderly parent for Christmas. You never know when it's going to be their last at this age

Buy and post the train tickets to them. I understand your concern. There's no way a driver of 83 has the same reaction speed, eyesight, attention span etc, so a long journey like this is not a good idea. They are putting themselves and others at risk.

Is there a car they can use at your house? Being 'stranded' / reliant on someone else for a lift isn't a great feeling.

Not sure what the issue is with watching football on Boxing Day but if they don't want to stay with you for more than two nights (? uncomfortable bed, shower they don't like, noise, temperature) they could go for a local hotel where they'd have a telly for football viewing.

Which they would just refuse, especially OP’s father. As pp’s have pointed out, travelling on the train at that time of year is going to be a nightmare.

I don't know if it's been said already, but there's no trains on Boxing Day so if your DF is adamant about returning that day it couldn't be by train.

DM has travelled to us by taxi in the past (a similar distance to you) but she's older than your parents. It was expensive but not impossible.

Exactly. He wants to drive so he drives.

Also bear in mind that Christmas Even afternoon and Boxing Day are actually relatively quiet on the roads.

Often hungover/ still drunk too

Yes there are those, but there is no business traffic, so, with the exception of exits near large shopping centres, traffic is relatively light!

Without any discussion or regard to the fact that he wants to be home to go to football on Boxing Day which will be impossible on the train.

How would you feel if you were planning a journey and someone else decided your way wasn't correct so just sent you tickets?

This. I have a friend who is 82 and is as fit as a fiddle

This. The quietest I’ve ever seen the roads is the Christmas period. Oh, I lie - New Year’s Day they’re virtually deserted.

Nobody is furiously defending the rights of elderly drivers who are no longer safe to drive; we're just defending the rights of those who ARE still perfectly safe to drive but who are being written off, just because of their age.

How would you react if men routinely told ALL women that they "weren't safe" using power tools - what with having smaller hands to grip the handles and less strength to hold and keep them steady - and thus they shouldn't just selfishly think of themselves and should accept they need to leave it to the blokes?

Obviously, that would be grossly offensive and ridiculously sexist.

Telling ALL drivers over 75/80 or whatever that they are dangerous drivers is equally grossly offensive and ridiculously ageist.

I think you need to take a step back and remember that they are adults who can make their own decisions. Unless there is some health concerns you are not telling us. Older does not mean suddenly being incapable.

That's a tough one, I'm guessing it's maybe not that easy, the poster probably has kids and DGC of their own.

My DGF was similar age decided 15miles was to far to travel, despite being collected and dropped off, he came up with various other lame excuses why he didn't want to come, in hindsight it was almost like he knew, he never actually made it to Christmas.

This