Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

[Dilligas72]

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

None of us lived in the area and the bride arranged for a hairdresser and MAU to come to the venue.
82 years old in a strange town looking for a hairdressers yeah that'll work. MIL wanted to look her best is that actually so bad.

Why did you get married abroad when it meant that your mil wasn't able to attend?

Are you all getting ready in the hotel? If so expecting her to be alone in her room seems very sad if you want tradition get ready at home and leave from there.

How do you get close to someone if you shut them out?

Mean

No do t invite her. It’s your morning to be with your mum and your family/friends. She can take herself off to get ready or see her son! Absolutely not mean not to invite her to something she wouldn’t traditionally be part of (if she’s asking I find this pushy and think it’s good to set boundaries with her anyway) and if she’s not then all good don’t give it a second thought)

My MIL was with the bridal party on the morning of the wedding. She also came dress shopping with me, my mum and my bridesmaids and I went shopping with her for her outfit.
My husband is an only child so she has no daughters she’ll ever get to do that with.
I totally get it if she’s not someone you get along with but if you do, I think having her with you all would mean so much to her

Only on mumsnet are MIL’s despised.

Ironically a lot of these women if they have sons will become MILs themselves.

You sound a lovely DIL.

I think theOP is being mean spirited.

@@Popettypop
I am so sorry about your son's wedding, that sounds really unkind.

@Bigearringsbigsmile wedding was booked for abroad when she had been in remission from her first bout of Hodgkins Lymphoma for a number of years. She was told she had relapsed October 2018, 10 months before wedding. Following more chemotherapy, had her stem cell transplant in the April with the hope she would be well enough to still travel but sadly it wasn’t to be.

We did discuss postponing for a year to give her a better chance of being able to make it, but ultimately went ahead. We got married August 2019, so that proved to be the right call given the events that unfolded shortly after. It also turned out even a year wouldn’t have been sufficient as it was almost two before she was well enough to travel abroad.

Tell her you would have asked but she hasn’t been interested so far. It’s already booked and paid for, and there isn’t room or time for anyone else. Done.

So if MIL joins the bridal party, along with OPs mum, and the groom is with his father & groomsman, where does the OPs father go - or is he expected to just have a lie in?

As a MIL I wouldn't dream of imposing myself on the bride's group, very bad manners to do so. Plus I'm a grown up and can do my own hair and make up.

I would say no but depends on your relationship with her. My MIL asked me the night before my wedding if she could join me on the morning 'for a little bit'. I was caught off guard and agreed without thinking but it changed the mood, she outstayed her welcome and then got huffy when my chief bridesmaid suggested to her and my own DM that they should be heading downstairs ready for the ceremony. I think my photographer ended up chivvying her out so he could finish the photos and get to the ceremony himself. I felt I missed out on feeling relaxed, happy, nervous, excited with my own close friends & family who know me the best.
For context, we are not close, DH is not close to her either, can go for months without speaking, have not seen PIL since last Christmas.

Bloody hell that's mean OP

She has had over a decade and never made any attempt to build a relationship. She visits family streets away and doesn't call to see her son or grandson.

The clue is in the title, MIL. M for Mum. She will be your Mum ( in law). You will need her before she will need you. Get her onside

I quite agree. I have been shocked at the level of nastiness and hate aimed at MILs on here.

She won't be her Mum. She'll be her "Mother in Law" it's a legal thing.

That's quite the assertion! What do you base it on?

Well from OP's update, if she had needed her MIL she hasn't been there for her. She has had 10 years to get to know OP and she visits family nearby without visiting her son and grandson.

You are definitely not being unreasonable then OP. I've no idea why she would think that you would want her there given her lack of interest in your family for over 10 years.

It’s not just a MN thing. MILs have generally been mocked and the subject of jokes for many years. I remember watching TV as a child in the 1970s and 80s and lots of shows where there was a MIL character portrayed them as battle axes or cold and mean. In my cultural background we had a popular song which sang about giving your MIL a good old smack if she played up! To be fair that one was controversial and it would be a brave DIL indeed that danced to that one. MN is just a place where wider societal views inform people’s opinions and judgements on these threads.

It’s a one off. I’d just include her and then you’ve done your bit.