Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

You can't do anything. Don't give reassurance and don't encourage doctors visits for imaginary physical ailments. Empathize with his feelings without validating his delusions. Ultimately, he needs therapy to teach him distress tolerance.
And you need to protect your own well-being even if it means "yeah, yeah, we are all closer to death every day" response every now and then.

I think if he refuses to go to the doctors or get help for himself, there is nothing you can do for him and you have to decide what you want to do with your life.

I know it's not always simple or possible to leave, but you only have one life and he is dragging you down.

You've told him how you feel and that you've had enough. It's up to him now whether he wants to do something about it.

I’m worried his constant gloom is affecting our child. The house is constantly anxious and tense.

I wouldn't keep a bairn in that environment OP. He either goes and dies quietly and stfu about it, sees a doctor about his mental health or you part ways. Those are the options he has.

I can sympathise. I was with my partner for 2 years . During this time he was depressed and withdrawn from me for a large chunk of the relationship. It nearly broke me. Hope he can seek help.

To be fair, if he hasn't been to the doctor at all he might have cancer, but it's not your job to tell him whether he has or hasn't.

I'd just refuse to engage on the subject any more at all. Any hint of a moan or worry - "well, you know what to do if you're concerned." If he says he doesn't want to die - "well, you know what to do if you're concerned." Just keep batting it back to him. If he's worried enough to be that much of a drama queen, he's worried enough to go to the doctor. (Yes, I know if it's anxiety it's not easy to go to the doctor but just keep modelling the idea that the sensible thing to do is consult the doctor, not you.)

I would worry that he will pass these anxieties on to your child.
I’m afraid if he won’t get help, I’d have to leave him, for the sake of your child if nothing else.

I have health anxiety and it is utterly horrendous and I am so so grateful for the support of my DH. The difference is though I am doing everything possible to get better and no manage it so much better. Medication, therapy and knowing my triggers has really helped. I’m sorry though if I was refusing to get help and behaving like your DH I would not expect to be supported. He has to get help and accept this for the sake of his family. If he is not willing to do this then I would not blame you for leaving.

You cannot keep a child in that environment. I agree, either he actively tries to get help or he has to leave. Could you afford to have him treated in house somewhere?

So he DOESNT WANT TO DIE, but also doesn’t want to go to the doctor that might help get the treatment he needs.

Have you tried a brisk - “No you don’t, you have health anxiety that you refuse to get treated, force everyone in the house to live with, and are slowly destroying your marriage for.” alternatively how do you feel about “Well we’re all dying in a way, aren’t we, but not all of us milk it for attention. You’re going to be dead one day, and so am I, and so is everyone. It’s such a pity that you spend so much time dying rather than living”

This has been going on for years? Have you pointed out that if it was cancer he'd be dead by now?

I couldn't put up with this. OP, you're a Saint

The IBS symptoms are probably due to his anxiety, or at least made worse by. I have health anxiety too and also IBS and there's definitely a link between stress and stomach issues. The difference between your husband and I is that I will go to the doctor's about my symptoms. But I know lots of men, health anxiety or not, that won't go to the doctors. They hate it.

I don’t think you can do anything.
He’s a grown up and he needs to see a doctor and a psychiatrist.

I could have written this post. My husband had a bout of health anxiety for the first time earlier this year. It seemed to go away over the summer but is back now, it's awful. My husband is the opposite to yours and keeps going to a and e, doctors appointments, spending hundreds on private appointment and scans. I woke up to him taking my oxygen levels this morning with a finger thing, and looking at my nails to compare them to his. It's really reached an unmanageable level, we are looking at various therapist options and waiting to hear back.

We also have young dc, it's a constant game trying to be cheery and over the top so they don't realise daddy has had to go for ANOTHER lie down (probably up there googling symptoms)

I'm sorry. It's hard xx

I just feel devastated. We have been together for half our lives and he has helped me through a ton of family problems including the child abuse I went through. He’s been my rock. But with this issue there is so much tension in the house. He is constant irritable and upset. I don’t think he loves me much anymore either. Doesn’t say I love you, doesn’t want to give affection etc.

Yep. It’s like he doesn’t take it in. Can’t compute.

Of course it is affecting your child, no doubt about it.

If you feel you have offered every support and ultimatum, then please don't feel guilty about splitting up. You have done all you can .

Health anxiety is awful - he needs to take anti anxiety meds which will greatly help and then therapy.

You have to leave for your child’s sake. Imagine your dad wailing he doesn’t want to die. Constantly thinking you are going to loose a parent- it’s one of a child’s worst fears and it is being highlighted over and over. If he won’t get help then you can’t help him. But you can help your child.

This. Your poor child is going to end up with severe mental health problems.

Sad as it is, I think the wellbeing of your child has to take priority here, even if that means ending your relationship or at least living separately and doing everything in your power to minimise the impact your husband's mental health problems are having and will have on your child.

It's not your husband's fault he has this fixation but that won't stop it affecting your child and that's how you've got to view it.

Oh, for Heaven's Sake, if he thinks he's had liver cancer for that long, he needs to get himself down the doctors because he's a sodding medical marvel with the genetic key to curing cancer once and for all.

You need him out of your daily life, as he's controlling every part of your day, any chance of a break, absolving himself of all responsibilities. And he sounds just like a pisshead with all the histrionics.

He is ill. Just not physically. He really needs to get help and I'd be issuing him with an ultimatum that he got help or I left. Do you have the funds to pay for private MH care? Services are so poor is likely to quickly conclude its pointless and give up otherwise.

Yes we can pay for private therapy. But he is refusing to go.
its so easy saying leave but wouldn’t that have a terrible affect on our child too? I feel like I’m fucked no matter what I do here.