Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

So he's deliberately dragged your child into this to hear him try to blame you and coerce/guilt you into giving in to his demands? So that 'Don't leave Daddy, Mummy' is an extra thing to terrorise you into making his wants the single focus and priority in your life?

Wanker. Selfish bloody wanker, using your child and their distress as a weapon to get his own way yet again.

Can you imagine how peaceful it could be next weekend if you leave him? How your child could sleep without this man deliberately, knowingly waking them up with his shouting because he wanted to use them as a tool in his manipulations against you?

You'll find an approach that works for you, and you'll bit by bit start to see improvement. Stick with it, and good luck.

Thank you. You’ve given me hope. X

Your poor child. It's unfair to inflict that kind of atmosphere of fear on them. They are your responsibility, not him. Can you get away for a while, visit relatives? Stay longer? See if you and your child feel better not having this constantly draining on?

He is clearly unwell mentally. Tell him to see a psychiatrist and get any health checks going to see if there is something else going on - depression, for example.

Him deliberately involving your son in your (effectively) initiating-divorce conversation is utterly selfish and proof he is a terrible, terrible father. Run away fast. I'm furious on your son's behalf.

Tried to edit my last again but it wouldn't give me the option!

Read your posts through again and honestly, it's time to look to the future, a future that's about your son's wellbeing and your own.

Your DH is so mentally ill that he is not fit for your child to be around. So many women here live with the lifelong after-effects of being kept around a damaged person, who would not see how they were damaging their child.

I was so sorry to read that you had been the victim of child abuse. Did you ever seek therapy for yourself? Perhaps time for that, too?

@MoSalahsBeard

He's crossed the line when he made your child part of the 'discussion'.

He told you that perhaps you should leave? That is your clue to say "Perhaps I should". And then do it if just saying it doesn't shake him up enough to get the help he needs.

Maybe if you leave then he'll get help. Maybe he won't. But either way it won't be your problem anymore. And you'll be able to shield your child from his behaviour.

I know it's very easy for me to say this. But you need to realize that whatever 'damage' you think you'll do your child by leaving, your H is doing double by you staying.

My ex was like this. Drove me mad. One day I reached a point where I wrote down on a virtual calendar every single symptom he had. Gathered 3 months of evidence and sent it to him. He could see for himself just how often he had a headache, backache, earache, sickness, itchy, arse ache, whatever, I told him to take to the Dr, but he didn’t, he realised he was being stupid. But by then I had the major ick and left. Life so much better without the drama.

Yes, this will affect your child.

Go to see a solicitor.
Find out your financial position.

Investigate the possibility of making a new home for yourself and your child.

Do all this without telling him.

Pack and leave.

Be careful. A man who bashes a chair around when challenged isn't going to take it well when you leave.

Do you have a supportive family or friends?

Your child will finally experience peace.

I appreciate this is a horrible choice to make. I made a choice to divorce too. It was the least worst choice.

Nothing in life is perfect. Sometimes your options are far from optimal. But sometimes there is a clear advantage to one, and where children are concerned, freedom from living with a parent who won't address a serious mental illness is a clear winner.

You can't help him, but you can help your child experience normality.

Do it. Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Go see a solicitor after you have left.

Do not leave your son alone with him though. He is volatile (anger, raising his voice) and has already shown a violent side (with the chair).

He clearly has no concern for the child, and is completely wrapped up in whatever is going on in his own head.

I would be very concerned here about a murder-suicide, sorry to say. Please get the support of your family and do not tell him where you move to.

But if they split, the child will still be in that environment on a regular basis except without OP there to mitigate

Very much doubt op's husband will be well enough to try and see his child. He is completely consumed by his illness.

Op, he is very sadly too far gone to help. He refuses to help himself and is a serious threat to your sons wellbeing as well as yours. You've done all you can for your husband but your son needs your help and protection now.

Not necessarily. Leaving him might be the kick up the bottom for him to get some treatment. If he’s too mentally unwell (and it sounds like he might be) either he’s unlikely to push for contact or the OP would be justified in only allowing contact on a supervised basis, so either her, grandparents or at a contact centre.

And even if he did get unsupervised contact for short periods, far better that than living with him all the time as he gets 6.5 days a week of normality. Having a young child forced to listen on a daily basis to a parent telling them he is going to die is unbelievably damaging.

Yes it is hard

I do rationalise and reassure with myself though. It is the only thing I’ve found that works for me to stop panic attacks. It does not work if you ask other people to do it for you.

For me personally what works is saying oh yes this is an intrusive thought. If I am unsure I will ask does this seem real? Once I know it is an intrusive thought I will often challenge it. I will use an example. I don’t have really strong thoughts often that tell me something is 100% wrong it is usually a feeling of unease. I can describe it like a little devil sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. So you could visualise the devil/angel on each shoulder.

My most common thought is what if this pain or symptom is something worse and undetected cancer. So I will ask myself why I think that, what else could it be (this one is a key question because there are other answers) and I will then have multiple options and I can say to myself, it seems more likely to be IBS, I’ve had tests and all the symptoms match that. In a balance of probabilities this is most likely isn’t it. Yesterday I had a pain and I asked myself if it could be trapped gas rather than something more serious and rational me decided to let 20 mins pass before thinking about it again and by that time it had gone.

Then I will also do something physical to try to get me out of the rumination rut - stand up, play music, use my hands in some way, change a topic of conversation, visualise myself on a beach, sing a song in my head.

This is heartbreaking to read. But there does not seem to be much sympathy for the person in a severe MH crisis.

i lost two years of my life to HA. The best thing I did was CBT, the forum ‘no more panic’ and stop googling. I’m only allowed to google a symptom if I write ‘no more panic’ first.

My trigger was similar and the fact that severe anxiety causes physical symptoms. Symptoms that would be present in serious illnesses, then the realisation that most doctors were guessing.

I was very hard work for a while with constant reassurance checking but I’m so glad my family did not abandon me.

Can you issue an ultimatum? Seek help or I have to leave for my own good? A couple of private health checks brought me back to reality too. £350 for 10 minutes of a doctor looking at my (apparently very healthy) throat.

Decided at some point to try and be as healthy as I can, wait two weeks before worrying about anything and I’m mostly fine now. I still worry but it’s not life ruining.

There's your answer then- leave him to it! Start making arrangements to leave. Dont feel guilty - maybe he's doing it purposely to push you away so that he doesn't have to be the one to leave. You'll soon know once you do leave if his mental health suddenly dramatically improves. I've seen this many times before in couples where one uses an illness or other means to force the other one to leave and be the 'bad guy'. Life is too short and your son will be so much happier - leave him.

I think there has been an enormous amount of sympathy for him.

Compare: You feel you lost 2 years of your own life to an illness which you have sought to recover from.
OP: lost 20 TWENTY years of her life to someone else’s illness which they refuse to get help for, and drag their child into.

It is your illness talking when you suggest that the OP should give even more. Would you give what she has?

Time to look after yourself. However that looks (with or without him)

I have good friend in a similar situation. Her life, and their kids lives, are overshadowed by the MH problems of a self man who won’t get help.
she Should leave him. You should leave him.
Separate and it might be the kick up the arse he needs to seek help.

Nobody understands HA unless they have it themselves. It’s truly awful.
Somehow you have to explain the whole household is being affected, though he probably already knows.
Being a sufferer virtually all my life, the last 15 years have been more bearable with anti anxiety drugs. For me CBT or Counselling didn’t really help.
So sorry for your situation. Your DH is suffering from a mental disorder similar to OCD. The right drugs can be extremely helpful.

The key point is that ops husband refuses any help or to find any solution to his issues. He is determined to drag op and his own child down into his personal hell with him.

Of course if he was actively seeking help and taking responsibility for the effect on his family it would be a very different ball game.

Op don't feel guilty. You've done all you can for him..

I think there has been an enormous amount of sympathy for him.

Compare: You feel you lost 2 years of your own life to an illness which you have sought to recover from.
OP: lost 20 TWENTY years of her life to someone else’s illness which they refuse to get help for, and drag their child into.

It is your illness talking when you suggest that the OP should give even more. Would you give what she has?

Absolutely spot on @MoveToParis It is very interesting how posts like the one you responded to clearly illustrate the very selfish, self centred nature of the illness, how everyone around must give and give and give whilst the other party just takes, takes, takes.

Can you issue an ultimatum? Seek help or I have to leave for my own good? A couple of private health checks brought me back to reality too.

The OP issued the ultimatum, he threw a chair and then started wailing about not wanting to die. The OP has suggested going Private and that has been refused. Her husband does not want help, he just wants to wallow in the illness and for her and their child to do so too. It is impossible to help someone who refuses to be helped.

For the future health and sanity of OP and her child they need to make a life without her husband.

Well, he is unwell. Mentally. He has severe anxiety.

Tell him to focus on treatment for that. See doctors and whatnot, take the pills. If he doesn’t, he’s going to lose his family and then he’ll have a slew of other problems to deal with.

But Op has tried all that and he is refusing and has now involved their child which is really fucked up. She needs to leave or plan to leave. But I wouldn't be letting him know.