Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

I’m sorry purple but I think you are trying to paint things as you wish them to be rather than as they are.

There is no moral judgement, or saying he is self indulgent to choose to not get treatment/acknowledge there is an issue.
He is creating a family home which is unbearable, really toxic for their child, and which shouldn’t be normalized.

Separate to his HA, he obviously doesn’t love his wife. So that should lead to them deciding to go their own way. If she is not good enough for him, then her leaving him to live his life as he pleases will make him happy, or at least relieved she’s gone.

I’m glad your husband recognized that anyone can have a MH crisis. That recognition does not however gives us permission to pretend that MH difficulties don’t require an effort on the patient’s part.

It is fine to feel sympathy for him, without being required to sacrifice one’s own happiness to his ‘precious’ the HA.
It might be helpful if you thought about the behaviour which for you would mean it’s OK for OP to leave. Are there any limits to his HA driven behaviour which you cannot condone.

He needs counselling!

Tell him that you are separating until he gets help. You can leave the door open in case he makes progress. I don’t think it’s fair for your child’s childhood to be clouded by his imagination. What kind of childhood memories are you building? Not good ones.

Which part is the terrible advice? The last one? As you can see, I said "to protect your own sanity" not to 'to cure your husband" because everything's been about him for the last 20 years and OP has every right to tell him to bugger off. She is close to the breaking point and nobody seems to be looking after her mental health.
Your husband booked you a bed but if you didn't want to go, he wouldn't have been able to make you. OP's husband simply doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.

I'd say tell him with someone else present (because of his reactions) and in writing, too

'You have health anxiety, a mental illness that is destroying our family.

And some of your recent behaviour because of it has frightened me and DC. I'm worried about us all.

I need to put our child's and my own wellbeing first.

And you need to take responsibility for your own health.

I can't help you with that.

You need professional help.

You need to see the GP, book tests for your physical symptoms and seek and take help for your mental health condition.

If you refuse, I have no choice but to separate from you, to keep our child and myself safe.'

Again, it would be sensible to have someone with you.

But you can't go on exposing your poor child to this.

So many women still suffer in adulthood from what they endured as children.

Don't be the cause of that. You have the choice there; DC doesn't.

Time for a decision.

Seriously. Important for everyone to know. Medical conditions don't respond to ultimatums. Not earthquakes, the circuit of the sun etc...

She isn’t giving a medical condition an ultimatum though, is she?

She is giving her husband information about the choices she will make should he continue to choose to ignore his medical condition. So he (the person not the illness) has full agency as to whether he engages with treatment or not. He gets to decide whether he values his family or the illness more.

He needs sertraline or something similar to deal with obsessive anxiety around health. If he’s unwilling to resolve things then the relationship is over.

I was offered that but chose to go back to the one I was on before (Fluoxetine). I also was put on Amytriptoline which really helped with sleep and calming me.

This. It’s wholly unacceptable to expect your family to deal with this.

OP, your DC needs to be protected from the behaviour of his DF.

This is so hard. I can see all sides. Some of the comments on here have been awful. It’s a mental illness - the sufferer cannot help it. I’ve suffered with health anxiety on and off for most of my life. I had a good 15 years where I was free of it. But the pandemic , several bereavements and other stuff triggered it again. I’ve lost almost two years to it and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m addressing it though. Why do I have it? Well I blame my mum for it (as much as I loved her ) she had awful health anxiety . I remember it so well. She would also tell me the details of her hospital tests. I remember being petrified I would have to have them . God knows where her common sense was - why you would tell a child stiuff like that I cannot imagine. So I do fear for the OPs child .

The snag with all mental illness (in my experience and I lived with a ‘dying’ father and a suicidal mother and brother) is that it’s all me, me, me and it never really goes away. My sympathy for them all had evaporated by the time I was 16, and I decided to get my A levels and go. Sorry as I try to feel for people suffering mental illness, my thoughts are always with the people having to cope with it as well as life itself. I would leave this chap for her own sake and the children’s because the torture (which is what it was) goes on and on…

You can spend the rest of your life suffering in a shit situation that you have no control over, or you could decide to claim your own life and create a peaceful safe space for you and your child. You deserve this at the very least.

He's going to do what he's going to do, and you can either watch it happening or decide you need something different. You're allowed to do that. It doesn't make you a bad person if you decide this is not for you.

@MoveToParis

I absolutely agree with you!!! You speak so much sense!!

OP is not really blaming him for having it, though, is she? And neither are most of the comments including mine. No one can help being mentally ill. But you can help what you do, and whether you take responsibility for yourself and trying to get better. From OP post, this man is completely refusing to do anything to help himself with him, and does not seem to care about the impact his problem is having on anyone else. I get it is hard to have anxiety, but it is also really really hard to be the person being leaned on for support. Whether people take responsibility and try to get help is the key here - not whether you have it in the first place.

I hope you were able to recover from the effects of living in that situation.

It's not selfish, mean, irresponsible, or cruel to walk away from something you're
A - not qualified to deal with, and
B - that is damaging you or someone else you are responsible for.

Thank you…It took years, and it left me firmly believing that you have to look out for yourself in such a situation and live the best life that you can. As a close friend said after the last one of them died and I remarked about how I’d bailed out and left them (largely) to it: ‘If you hadn’t gone they’d have dragged you down with them’. And that’s just as true for anyone else in a similar situation; don’t let anyone suck all the joy out of you.