Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

I have OCD and it very much started in health anxiety as a small child. I would say you need to protect your child from this becoming their normal. I’ve had so many different manifestations of OCD but health anxiety is the one I struggled to get on top of the most. I’ve had CBT and it was very helpful but along the way I’ve lost friendships and relationships to my OCD being out of control and it is a real consequence of not seeking help. The NHS is terrible for mental health and the person has to want to get help. I am perhaps different from your husband as I do not want to live with my OCD and let it become my life, I fight it very hard back against it. Some people do not have that fight at times, it can be too overwhelming, or seem so normal they do not recognise that it isn’t normal and you are having intrusive thoughts but thanks to CBT I have insight to recognise what is OCD and that it’s an abnormal intrusive thought that I do not want and I don’t welcome it. I’ve had times of it overwhelming me and becoming my identity but I don’t think you alone can get someone to this point. You do need to protect yourself and your child so I think leaving is probably your best option. Otherwise OCD is taking you all down..

Sadly, not much you can do if he won't get help. I was the opposite and down the doctors every few weeks (I don't do that any more though!).

He won’t say I love you anymore. Won’t hug me. Won’t kiss me. Won’t hug my hand. Hasn’t done for years now. I’ve tried so hard and I’m spent.

Very insightful post.

"The only way to win the rigged game that anxious thoughts want to engage you in is to not play".

I’m so sorry. It is absolutely heartbreaking.
however , you know you have tried and tried and tried to help and support him.
If he refuses help, you can’t force him.

you and your son will be better away from him (and honestly him refusing to lower his voice is really poor as well! Your poor son).

You have all my sympathies.

I could have written this about a family member except that he spends half of his life at the doctors and has had every test under the sun but won't entertain the idea that his health problems might be more mental than physical. He's older than you and his anxiety started when his dad died 40 years ago. Since then he's got progressively worse and has become a spiteful old man who is vile to his wife and I don't honestly know how she puts up with him. He makes her life miserable and I truly wish she would leave him but I appreciate it's difficult when you've been together for half a century and live in a small community as they do. I hate to say it but I fear this is your future if you stay and he won't seek help.

I’m sorry for your illness but the very fact you have sought help makes this very different.

It is entirely unreasonable to behave the way OP’s husband is and refusing to get help.

And yes, mental illness is just as real and debilitating as physical illness but I’d judge someone with significantly terrible symptoms refusing to see a doctor.

This is a man with a family who care about him and he’s refusing to do the bare minimum. It’s not acceptable.

I'd personally not live with someone with a mental health issue which they were unwilling to address, but expect everyone else to deal with the consequences.

Interestingly, this is right, but there’s also growing evidence of the vice versa too. That the gut can cause mental health issues. The metabolic system is all connected. It’s quite interesting.

💐 OP.

Im so sorry it’s come to this after everything you’ve done to rescue it. But it needed both of you to want that.

If it’s any help, in 6 months you’ll be wondering why you stayed so long - you’ll be miles, miles happier.

I'm in a similar situation but not as severe. My dh's dad also died prematurely and that's what set off his health anxiety. So now the slightest talk of cancer and I send him off for tests.. in his case, unlike your dh's, it does help but doesn't solve the next crises.

He can't be happy living like this, but getting help in the form of perhaps CBT has to be his wish or it won't help. It's really hard to live with, I'm sorry.

I had a friend who's husband was dying of cancer and she'd talk to me about it often. I think this might have set me off as well. x

I'm so sorry @MoSalahsBeard , you must feel absolutely broken. None of it is about you, it's all him. He hasn't given you anything cos he's using it all, it's being eaten up by his illness - he's none spare to give you.

Stick to your guns - he must get help or you'll separate or whatever you need to do. Truly I doubt any of what's coming out of his mouth is actually about you at all - but you can't live like that. Help is out there for him, but he's refusing to take it & you're suffering the consequences. It's not the being ill, it's the refusal to fix it that makes this unmanageable.

Sending big digital hugs to you xx

I also suffer from health anxiety and diagnosis myself with cancer constantly. I wouldn't say I'm convinced I'm dying but I catastrophise, constantly rechecking my symptoms e.g keep checking the lump, bump, mouth ulcer etc on repeat. Sometimes I google, panic, check again etc It's exhausting . Sometimes something will spiral, recently it was my eyesight, a few months ago it was a skin growth. I'll get checked and relax for a bit but then something else crops up. Some things I ignore but it's lingering in the back of my mind and then every so often I panic about that thing. So what I'm saying is I emphasize with your husband but I don't constantly complain about it to my partner. 90% of my worries go unspoken, I secretly worry but pretend to the rest of the world that I'm fine. I never worry or panic infront of my kids. That's probably not healthy either. I did try CBT and it helped a little. I don't really see the point in verbalising my worries to my husband because he'll just tell me to go to the Dr and sometimes that stresses me out even more plus what's the point in constantly complaining. It doesn't change anything. It just makes everyone else miserable too. Your husband should try CBT. It might help.

Hey- can I ask what you have found to help please? I suffer horrendously with health anxiety I think it stems from the horrific ibs pain I get. I’m now constantly on edge and any pain in my body I think is catastrophic.

I have tried meditation, breathing, trying to really rationalise in my head, councilling (they suggested the meditation and box breathing) propanalol, mirtazapine and nothing is helping. X

What is there left to salvage? It sounds like you already know in your mind what you want to do. You don't want to be with him and you don't want your child around this either, but 20 years is a long time and it's always much easier to say leave when you're not the one in the thick of it.

If he won't seek help then nothing will change. I guess it's how long you can continue living with this and it sounds like he's ground you down to the last straw now.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and making a bit of a plan for if you DID leave. Then it will help you weigh up the considerations and also be easier to do it if and when you come to that decision.

Good luck op you sound like you've done everything you can and this isn't on you Xx

Usually it is someone dying that will trigger a health anxiety. For me it was my worst time but I was already circling it, I would have dreams about my parents dying, so someone close to me passing away really impacted me badly. Both my grandparents died very quickly when I was still a child. But it can be reading about someone in the news. IBS symptoms have been one of my anxieties for many years, but I have had enough CBT to recognise I am still alive.

I do think OP should leave for her child’s sake

If he doesn't want therapy, can you have it? I obviously don't know you but you probably need support too

CBT. I also have the same issue. CBT has helped me very well. I am still alive. I also did change my diet and this helped my symptoms a lot. So I was able to see that my diet was the cause of the issue.

He does love you but sadly anxiety like this is so all consuming he can't feel anything like love because the anxiety trumps every other emotion in his being - he is utterly terrified

I'm so very sorry for him - it's hell. I've suffered myself and it's not a place anyone would want to be. However I also feel desperately sorry for you too.

I will give you some advice to point him FIRMLY in the direction of getting help - for his health anxiety. If he doesn't then you need to be really firm and say you love him but he can't hear you and only his anxious/unwell mind can. You are NOT going to be dictated to by that unwell mind and if he chooses to not to get help then you have to walk away because otherwise this very sick and unwell mind is getting the better of both of you. I would threaten to walk away and do so if needed. I know you love him and I hope this will have the effect of him waking up and getting help.

I would say it with utter kindness but force because he really does need that. He cannot see that this is health anxiety because he is convinced it is cancer. He is very unwell but you have to tell him how mentally well you ARE and so you are NOT listening to this talk because it is NOT TRUE.

When I've been mentallyunwell my DH has done the same with me and I love him for it. He does get really really firm with me and tells me in no uncertain terms that he is not going to buy into my mental thinking like I am! He's really firm with me and it honestly is a good thing. It helps me to see that I am being hijacked by my mind!

He desperately needs to get help and you cannot force him but you can try this and if he won't then know you are saving yourself from this. By being kind and gentle with him it's not helping him. If he starts to recognise this for what it is (mental illness) then maybe you might be able to shift your approach but right now I would be so firm.

Brill thank you- do I need to find a councillor who specialises in cbt for health anxiety do you know? Or is it something they all do x

Oh you poor thing. I have a friend who is like this, luckily I don’t have to deal with her too much, but I can’t imagine having to live with it. He should find an outlet for it that isn’t you. You are not a dumping ground and you do not deserve to be burdened with his obsessions.

Finding a technique that prevents you from moving to ruminating is the key.

Label your intrusive thoughts and then abandon them, shift your focus back to whatever you were doing. Some people sing (internally lol) the thought, some people agree with the thought. Whatever takes away the sting and prevents you from moving to rumination (this is why reassurance and rationalising isn't advised; both are, essentially, ruminating. Both give strength to what are actually just random and meaningless thoughts).

It sounds very simple, and in reality the theory IS very simple, it's putting it into practice that can be difficult. It takes persistence.

Dragging your child into it is reprehensible.

I think it is now time to end the marriage so you and your son can recover.
He does not wish to recover at this point, so you must leave him/ put on your own oxygen mask.

Thank you very much for this advice. I’ll have a look into it and the techniques. I really appreciate it :)