Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

This is the key part. He may not be able to help having a mental illness but he is utterly selfish for not seeking health.

Your child comes first OP.

I say this as someone with health anxiety... You cannot help him. He needs meds and therapy. Until he does that he is damaging you and your child's mental health.

He is not logical. His neuro pathways have been altered because of the health anxiety and he needs help thinking logically again.

I think you need to sit him down in a calm manner and tell him if he can get help you will support him but without help you cannot varry on the way you are.

You are being MORE than fair. You need to protect your child from this.

It will affect your child, yes.
There's no way here to not affect your child.
You have to be honest here with yourself about which situation will affect your child the worst.
Perhaps research groups that help people cope with family members who have the issues your husband has. They are likely to have the best information on how badly it fucks up the kids and how best to protect them from it or at least minimise the damage it does to them.

I feel your pain. My husband has frequent, long lasting bouts of Health Anxiety. I can't get through to him when he's in these funks, and it makes me hate being with him when he won't get medical help, won't address his mental health, and just sits in the bedroom staring at the wall. I try to be kind, it doesn't help. I get angry, it doesn't help. I am at a loss. We've had a heart attack (we haven't), we've had skin cancer, (nope) all the other cancers (nope), a weird "lump" on his abdomen (nope, there really wasn't) that he would just be touching all the time, looking sad and frightened. I don't like seeing him like that, it makes me sad too, but also it's so frustrating and I feel helpless. I'm bloody glad he doesn't get headaches, because that would be a tumour. And the worst thing is, maybe it would be! But how would we know, if he won't go to the doctor? It's so stressful to live like this. So frustrating.

I first came onto MN because he was so depressed one Xmas a few years ago and I just didn't know what to do, or where to turn to. (No-one replied!!) With him, these anxieties come and go as instantly as they descend, which also does my head in. No explanation for it, no idea why he suddenly doesn't think he's dying. I've no advice for you, I'm afraid, but I really feel for you. We don't have children and god knows I struggle with it just being me here living under that cloud, it must be even harder for you. Honestly, you have my sympathies xxx

I can see it from both sides I suffer with severe health anxiety and it's honestly hell so I feel for him but I have had therapy for it. But I do see where your coming from and you would be well within your rights to walkaway guilt free. To live with someone suffering from a mental illness is draining and it's important for you to protect your mental health and your child's. In your situation I would be giving him an ultamatem he either gets mental health help and you will support him throughout. Or he doesn't and that's the end as you can't live like this.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

Because these things only feed the anxiety. Therapy and anxiety medication are the answers, in conjunction. If he won’t help himself then it’s time to leave. You can’t set yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm.

OP, do you remember your wedding day and your wedding vows? In sickness and health...does that ring a bell?

Mental health issues and anxiety aren't an easy thing to live with. Maybe to have some sympathy and look for solutions rather than giving up on tge man you chose to marry to and have a kid with.

Saves the kid being given nightmares about Daddy dying. It only takes him to tell them or wail and howl a bit louder to give the poor kid the absolute terrors for the next 40 years.

The replies on this make me so very sad.
I myself have suffered with the most horrific health anxiety.
My therapist told me that mental health issues are as valid as physical health issues. If your husband for instance had cancer and not nice symptoms of that, I don’t think you’d be posting here.
Health anxiety is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and almost killed me, which is ironic.
I would be even more devastated if my husband hasn’t supported me through it whole heartedly.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… x

The solution is him getting help for his mental health condition. Is she to tie him up and drag him there, pray tell?

Tell me you’ve never had to support someone with MH issues without saying the words.

Why don’t you walk a mile in her shoes, and spend years of your own life in homage to someone else’s illness that they refuse to think about treating.

What about his vow to love honour or cherish her. Don’t they count too? If is it just some people that get a pass to trash it all, so that others can pick up the pieces?

OP’s husband refuses to see a therapist? Can’t you empathize with the carer role at all, or is that of now interest to you? Are you aware of how/who was supporting your husband whilst you got better. Do you honestly think that because it was hard for you, then it was easy oeasy for him? Have you ever asked him?

I have supported him for 20 odd years and nothing has worked. It’s just got worse. Should I continue throwing myself under the bus for him?

Honestly fuck that - your poor child. I'd leave or give a final ultimatum at minimum.

Wife to a husband with Health OCD here. It can be exhausting OP - for my DH some days are worse than others.

Before we realised he had Health OCD, life was unbearable, much like you're describing. For us, that manifested itself in him calling the doctor weekly because he was convinced he had cancer.

I'm lucky that he has sought help, and the lovely husband I fell in love with has returned. We still have bad periods, but no longer live under the constant cloud you're describing.

You're doing the right thing by encouraging him to see a therapist. I'd also suggest not engaging with any further chat on his anxiety - if he too has Health OCD, then offering reassurance can actually make the symptoms worse.

I really hope things improve. So important you have a care plan for you too - it can be exhausting being the partner of someone with mental health problems.

Ah that's how you spell ultimatum I was well of, I knew mine didn't look right 🙈🤣🤣

I'd try leaning into it just to see what happens, but that's probably not very good advice.

I would also give the ultimatum that he gets help or end the marriage to protect your DC.

I am someone who has been very mentally unwell in the past but pushed always for treatment and take responsibility for improving/getting better.

He needs to see a GP about his anxiety. Why won't he?

His mental illness is not his fault but it is his responsibility to deal with, not drag you and DC through it behind him.

I would absolutely be at ultimatum stage, and be needing a commitment to sustained professional help on an ongoing basis to see some improvement to the point where you can remain in the marriage, otherwise it would be over and out for me.

You would honestly suprise yourself at how easy solo parenting would be compared to what you're dealing with now. You might feel like you're fucked either way, but think about what you're showing your DC and how you're preparing them for their own life. Showing them that you lay your life down for someone to trample all over isn't a brilliant message, and it's certainly ok to show them you can take action when necessary to back yourself, and that you matter in your own right, not as someone's support human.

I think it's wet documented that IBS doesn't increase risk of stomach or bowel cancer. It's a shame he won't go to the doctor. My male colleague went with IBS (which can be stress related) and was prescribed a low dose of the anti-depressant Amitriptyline, which is often used for IBS type symptoms. This relived his pain (it stops brain-to-gut pain signals) and improved his mental state at the same time.

But you had a therapist so you was doing something about it. Op husband isn't there's a big difference

In your situation, I think that you had no choice except to give him an ultimatum.

As others have said, this isn’t an healthy environment for your child and as a father, he should be trying to manage his anxiety so that it doesn’t affect his child. I grew up with a mentally ill Dad and it’s not OK when they refuse to seek treatment. Tbh, a part of me wishes that my Mum had given him an ultimatum before things got really bad, but they were a different generation who didn’t talk so openly about mental health.

I’m diagnosed with GAD and when it got bad a few years ago, I did seek help, because I didn’t want it to affect my family- Like your husband, I needed counseling and medication to manage my illness. My life has been far better since and I know that I can parent better.

That’s what he needs to recognize, that he’s ill and he needs medical treatment (his doctor will soon work out that he’s suffering from severe anxiety, rather than cancer). If he broke his leg, for example, he wouldn’t avoid medical treatment, would he?

If he won’t step up for his child, you’ll have no choice but to protect them. Good luck. 💐

@RandomMess Yes, that’s what it boils down to. We have to take responsibility for our mental health, especially when we become parents.

his doctor will soon work out that he’s suffering from severe anxiety, rather than cancer).

Let's hope the Dr knows what to do about it, though. Last week I assessed someone in a specialist clinic who was referred to us for "reassurance" and I had to write a long letter to the surgery explaining that reassurance is not helpful for health anxiety and they need to refer to therapy