Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

OP, I was your DC - bloody nearly died when Daddy Dearest was whining about his oh-so fatal indigestion as my appendix started to burst.

The A&E surgeon had a go at DM about why they hadn’t brought me in earlier and she said ‘there’s only room
for one hypochondriac in the family’.

No one was impressed.

It’s absolutely fine to have a disabling illness that you choose not to control, but you have no rights to damage or risk hurting anyone else.

Especially the people who are unlucky enough to be close to you.

He sounds a like a supremely selfish individual.

The irony of the situation being that I’m sure parents who do have cancer do everything they can to sheild their young children from their own emotional fallout, they don’t bash chairs around and take to their beds wailing at the top of their voice about how they don’t want to die, deliberately creating a gloomy and anxious atmosphere in the house, whilst refusing any treatment.

@MoSalahsBeard

I suffer from health anxiety. I try hard not to share all my worries with my husband as I know I have it and it's just not fair on him.

What I can say that's helped is a yearly health check up with my doctor.

And there are companies who do a full blood screen including cancer markers and it's not much (about £100+) for the peace of mind. Maybe this is something that might put his mind at rest. He can factor that in maybe twice a year. That does help.

I really get it. For me it's constant and has got so much worse with menopause.

@Catza That’s disheartening. 🙁 I was lucky that my GP recognized that I needed proper help and referred me.

No. Of course not. Apart from anything else (like for example the wellbeing of your child) your support isn't helping him in the slightest.

He doesn't have the right to destroy the family with his mental health issues. And he certainly doesn't have the right to expect you to "help" (not that you can) without helping himself.

He won’t be helped so end the relationship before it harms your child.

I am sorry if this is the wrong thing to suggest but he sounds like he needs inpatient mental health treatment.

Save yourself and your child from this.

Nobody can say whether leaving will have a terrible affect on your child. I imagine most will say that on balance, no it won't.

All anyone can say is that staying and living with a self-obsessed hypochondriac will definitely have a terrible affect on him/her. And the likelihood is that your child will develop "illnesses" too as they see it is the best way to get attention.

Another person with, at times crippling, health anxiety checking. It's all internal for me, saying my fears aloud make them worse, so I don't.

However! You need to give him a ultimatum - he HAS to get help, even if it's just a low dose of sertraline (which has changed my life). He will be manifesting all the pain & discomfort (shittest superpower ever!) & it will just be feeding it all.

do not make jokes or flippant comments about everyone dying, it's the worst possible thing you could do. There isn't anything you can say to help but some of the advice on this thread will make it worse. There is nothing fun about this level of health anxiety, nothing at all. It's terrifying.

But

He's being selfish by refusing to get help, it's that's simple. It's not fair on you OR him.

Ultimatum is your only option.

I was thinking more of saying it to let him know how serious this is for you rather than actually packing your bags. Because in truth, if something doesn't change here, what choice will you have? Leave, or stay and live a half life sacrificed to a health condition he refuses to get help with. As for your DD, health anxiety can be contagious. When she gets old enough to understand that an adult she trusts is saying he's dying, then it's likely to make her pretty anxious too.

You know nothing about my life. Your response is absolutely pointless.

Have you ever experienced anxiety or any other mental health problem? Do you even know what you are talking about or if her husband cherishes? Do you even understand what it is to live your life with health anxiety?

I don't think so.

Des he work OP?

What would happen if you booked him a GP appointment next week? Would he go?

Even if he won't countenance therapy show him my AMA on remedial hypnosis. It might (only might) show him that there are alternatives to 'traditional' counselling.

You can stay married while living apart.

My son developed a phobia because my late dh had one (a tiny part of his severe MH problems). Zero sign of that phobia now. I'm afraid I would give him an ultimatum. Id suggest he takes his GP a letter which you will write ('Please see my H for his health anxiety and consider him for medication and therapy as it is having a major impact on our son and threatening our marriage. Please confirm to me that you have read this letter'). I'd hen go and stay with a friend or family member and focus on your son. Play therapy? He will have internalised some of this.

I’ve suffered with severe mental health issues that made me a nightmare in relationships. Now I’m healthy after engaging with therapy and medication, I can absolutely see why I was repeatedly dumped by people who couldn’t handle my volatility and I don’t blame them. I’d leave a partner if they were severely detrimental to my wellbeing, including not being able to cope with physical or mental health issues.

Do you even understand what it is to live your life with health anxiety?

It is not just him living his life with health anxiety is it? He is forcing the OP and their child to live with it too and that is not right, fair or reasonable.

I have supported him for 20 odd years and nothing has worked. It’s just got worse. Should I continue throwing myself under the bus for him?

No, @MoSalahsBeard you should not continue throwing yourself under the bus for him nor should you allow him to throw your child under that bus either. 20 odd years is more than long enough, either he admits he needs help and gets the help he needs or you have no choice but to leave to protect yourself and your child. That may well sound harsh but the cold hard fact is that he cannot be allowed to destroy your life and that of your child which is what is happening and will continue to happen.

@Rain11 I’m sorry that you also suffer with your mental health, but what @MoveToParis is saying is that none of us can expect our partners to cure us, can we?

Yes, they can be supportive, but my DH isn’t medically trained so he couldn’t help me with my GAD. I need professional medical help to get my anxiety under control and my husband couldn’t provide that, -anymore than I could help him when he broke his wrist. Neither of us are medically trained!

The OP’s husband needs to accept professional help for his illness, instead of expecting his wife and child to somehow cope.

It's the not seeking help that kills the marriage isn't it OP. I've been there. I was happy to support the MH problems but the expectation that we were doing it alone and without help is what broke me. I was shouldering this massive burden of secrecy to hide his behaviours and it felt like it would never end..
OP you have my absolute sympathy and respect for what you have already done.

If her husband had horrible side effects from cancer but refused to see a doctor / her help for them then yes, I would be telling her to leave him

My dad had untreated anxiety and paranoia, and I wish most days that I could have grown up without him. He made me scared of completely harmless things by manipulating me emotionally. He believed that mental healthcare was for the weak, so instead of a healthy childhood, I spent two decades suffering from HIS disease.

My mom made the choice to stay because she was afraid of what people would think rather than how I felt. Why not take your child and go to an anxiety-free house for 6-8 weeks? DH can start meds and therapy and hopefully show you he wants to manage this, then your child can just have a few months without a dad. But, if as I suspect, he will refuse treatment and get worse, the only person he can harn is himself. And you may find life easier and happier for you and your DS.

OP, I can totally relate because I had it from out of nowhere about 2 years ago.
It was horrendous and I thought I was dying too. I'm 44 and had to get my mum to come and stay with me lots of nights and my anxiety was making me so ill.
I lost about 3 stone very suddenly and had all kinds of tests including 2 cancer pathways (nothing found).
It took me a year or so to get better but I am much better than I was. I am just scared it will return at some point.
I was put back on ADS along with Amytriptoline which really helped.

It will hopefully pass for him but it does take some time. As I say mine came and went like a hurricane had knocked me down.

I had all kinds of symptoms related to my anxiety and I honestly felt like I was dying. I even made my will in that time and thought about songs I'd have played at my funeral!

It's no joke but he needs to get help quickly.

The NHS has always been relatively poor on mental health, and sadly it's a whole lot worse now @MoSalahsBeard. His GP will refer him to services, he'll wait 18 months to see an OT or a nurse therapist and they'll give him text book/catch all exercises (they may inadvertantly worsen his anxiety). Tailored CBT with a clued up psychologist would help him recover, however getting same (of a decent standard) via the NHS is unlikely.

There is a gold mine of self help online (one of the few benefits of the internet). Your husband can be his own therapist, however he needs to have insight (that this is anxiety) and motivation. It's worth you (as the partner of someone with an anxiety disorder) having a nose round youtube for advice on how to motivate him. That's all you can do I'm afraid. I agree with PP's saying that leaving (for your own sanity, and that of your child) may ultimately become your only option.

What also helped me was breathing exercises and there are loads of apps to help with this and bring some calm. Music is the best medicine.

I think it’s over. We just tried talking about it and he dismissed everything I said and made out I was attacking him. He kept raising his voice and I kept telling him to keep quiet so he didn’t wake our son up but he didn’t and our son is now down here and part of the conversation.

husband told me we should split as I’d be happier without him and he won’t get help. I’m absolutely heartbroken.