Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

[MoSalahsBeard]

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

Let him live under his black cloud while you and your DC walk in the sunshine.

My own DH is a raging hypochondriac and after seeing my Dad die so brutally from cancer last year, my tolerance hit zero and has stayed there. He gets short shrift if he starts, and reminded that I'm not a GP so can't remotely help. I've got a lifelong chronic condition that I get absolutely no help or support for - yet I'm expected to pander to his imagined conditions....

Unless you've lived with it, you have no idea what supporting someone with this entails. And I suspect the partners of the HA sufferers on this thread would tell a very different story to those who've written them.

You might be helping him in the long run by saying you won't put up with this anymore. He needs help and he might need to get to rock bottom.
I'm a CBT therapist and if it was my husband I would back so far off you couldn't see me. Detach detach detach.

if your children are anything like me they will bail out as soon as they can; I lived in a similar situation all of my childhood and left as soon as I could. Personally, I’d leave him before his health obsessions break the family apart anyway.

'Determined to press my point'? Why so hostile? I'm just saying what worked for us. Chill out!

Just a wooshing sound wasn't it?

I'm glad you could afford it and you're on the mend. But your post was so short sighted it boggles my head.

Absolutely this

maybe the alternative isn’t that you have to separate but living apart could give you and your child the space you need until he can start taking some action. I have a daughter and husband who both have anxiety. Hers is more chronic, his more episodic. I have found it easier since coming to the realisation that I can’t fix them. My daughter won’t help herself, yet but at least he does, he works hard on himself but it is still completely exhausting carrying the load for the family and for there to be so little payback. I think you should take some time away from each other, it may give him the incentive to get help and give you some time away from the stress to just focus on you and your child.

It’s extremely sad that in 2024 Mental Illness is still misunderstood or dismissed completely.
The only way forward here would be if the DH agrees to talk to a health professional, which he does not want to do. Being mentally ill, which is outside of his control, he is probably terrified of going to the Doctor. This is all part of HA previously called Hypochondria.
Luckily we have mainly moved on from patients being told to ‘pull themselves together’ and similar comments. A totally ignorant & almost funny remark to a mentally ill person.
The poor OP is in a dreadful situation. The only small advice I would give, would be to contact her GP & explain the situation to them. My DH has previously spoken to our GP who was incredibly helpful. It is not actually that uncommon.
However it comes down to whether the OP can face the situation any longer. Friends or family may possibly also be helpful in speaking to her DC, who will be in a constant state of torment.

S/be DH.

I have health anxiety but as soon as it started affecting my family I got CBT. I’m not fixed AT ALL (HA is notoriously difficult to treat) but surely he knows he has HA and wants to get better? Being anxious is utterly miserable.

OP, you have to protect yourself and your child. Children of anxious parents often grow up to have anxiety problems themselves. He has told you he wont get help. Take him at his word and leave. I have seen a number of people who came into therapy at that point, but it was not until it really happened that they would contemplate it. HA is a terrible thing to have, but there are things about what he is doing which are not typical of all HA sufferers (bringing your child into it, wailing about dying). You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You have done your very best and tried really hard. Enough is enough now.

@YourFunMember I agree with you, but sometimes the illness includes an avoidance issue, where going to the Dr or anything medical is too scary. OCD, depression & anxiety also join up with this horrible affliction.
He will be 100% sure in his own mind he is ill. No amount of reassurance helps because he is mentally ill & totally irrational. The obtrusive thoughts will be with him day & night. Until treatment there is no respite.
Of course this is difficult for other people to deal with & understand. That is why the OP is in such an unenviable position.

Absolutely not.

There are three people involved. You, your husband, and your child. You have done all that can be done for your husband; but unless he helps himself, nothing will change for him. But you can help yourself and your child, and frankly your responsibility to your child far outweighs your responsibility to any other adult (including your husband).

It is time to reconsider your priorities. You move him down a notch, you move your child up two notches and yourself up one notch. And with that picture in your head, you focus on creating an appropriate home environment for your child.

You have since posted that "husband told me we should split as I’d be happier without him and he won’t get help. I’m absolutely heartbroken." To be honest I think you should split too. It may give your husband a big enough jolt to seek help, it may not. But it will allow you to provide your child with an environment not laden with anxiety / gloom / stress.

@DemelzaandRoss believe me I know. I have OCD and HA. I know how real it can all feel. I am currently in a state where I think I have cancer - bowel or pancreatic, possibly another tumour, I don’t know. I know how it feels. I’ve had all sorts of thoughts and The extreme anxiety stops me sleeping, eating, enjoying life. But I also know I have HA.

@YourFunMember 💐💐💐x

So sorry OP. My first relationship was with someone like this, who would not seek help for the psychological issues stemming from a shitty childhood that caused his health anxieties. I am so glad that I didn’t stay with him. It’s so much harder when you have a child with someone, but I feel pretty sure that your own mental health and that of your child will be far worse if you stay.

At the end of the day he has to want to get help to change things and the fact that he won’t do that is not your responsibility. 💐

You deserve so much more.

My dad has health anxiety, has had it for as long as I can remember. Got T1 diabetes in his 40’s and has had one foot in the grave ever since. At one point he thought there was some hidden mould in their house, his anxiety about this in the end actually got him sectioned, and whilst in the mental health residential hospital he was convinced the air conditioning system had the same issue?! It’s like a delusion that plays on their mind constantly.

Would never see the doctor. Never take responsibility for managing his diabetes properly. Extremely stressed and anxious. Ironically he now has a life limiting illness which to some extent could have been prevented by addressing his diet and lifestyle (stress/sleep).

I’ve definitely ended up with anxiety as a result, in particular health anxiety around my children’s health. Hypnotherapy helped immensely.

I don’t know whether leaving would have protected me per se. If you separate, would he get 50% sole care for example? However, your mental health and happiness matters too. You’re trapped in a living hell with no other way out. It’s very likely both of your own mental health state is rubbing off on your child. Isn’t it better if at least one of you is coping, or even thriving?

There is such a disconnect between those who have suffered and those who believe that those who suffer are self indulgent. My DH didn’t really believe in MH issues due to attention seeking family members until one of his well liked and respected friends suffered a severe mental breakdown. If it could happen to him…..

The OP is in a crisis they can step out of, we get that, but love and family is trying to help those around you. It’s not that she hasn’t helped and I do not blame her for wanting to step away and see, but to step away forever and leave her DP without hope, I don’t get. If she can jolt him into action and get him back - surely that’s better?

His DC won’t be away from the HA, they can either experience it in the family home and being dealt with or they can see him in a state on occasion somewhere else. I just don’t get the idea he’s in the bin!!

You have to think of yourself and your child now. I'm so sorry - sending a hug.

There is nothing in the OP post that says this has been going on for 20 years, FYI. His dad died 20 years ago and he thinks he is suffering the same fate.

The fact he won't seek help, despite the impact his mental illness is undoubtedly having on his child, tells me all I need to know about him.

Why should OP let her life and her child's be ruined by this man? She's tried for 20 years. How many more years of her life should she throw away?

Excellent. Nice of you to take him in and jolt him into action then

If he won't get help then time apart may end up being needed

I know folks are likely to say you need to be more understanding, that is a MH condition but I'm not sure if they realise the impact his behaviours having

I grew up with my dad constantly telling g us he wasn't long for this world...... it's damaging for a child living constantly on edge wo during if today's the day your parent will die, the anxiety eats away at you
I'm now in my 40's and my dad is very much still alive, no idea if he's still trying to convince me those around him that he's about to die because most of us cut ties with him

If he's unwilling to help himself then you need to be protecting the kids for their own health

Yesterday’s post from 21:29 says this has been going on for 20 years, and has escalated to the current position.

I hear you.
But you can take a break with your DC. A holiday.
It will give you and DC respite and give your DH time to think about what's going on with him and his priorities.
Before leaving, you need to set down in a letter the effect his behaviour is having on you and DC and what he needs to do is seek therapy to begin to sort it out.
Good luck.