Difficult situation with sister and nephew

[Sunshineandalltherainbows]

I feel really bad even writing this but I am finding my 4 year old nephew absolutely impossible to be around. His behaviour is poor. My sister must be struggling, says she isn't and it's all normal boy behaviour bit it's not. She often will say he's only 4. When he was she used to say he's only 3.

It's having a huge impact on my family's relationship with her.

For example, it was my son's birthday (who has asd) and we were all eating birthday cake round my parents. My nephew grabbed my son's cake of his plate put it in his mouth and then spat it out on my son's plate. I said that's disgusting don't ever do that again. My son was in tears about it as he hates any form of contamination if his stuff. My sister then said I was wrong to say anything to nephew as he's only 4 and it was only a problem because my son's autism. I'm not being funny but anyone regards of needs would have been bothered about that happening to their food.

We've now been asked about Christmas plans and I just don't want to be around my sister and nephew. He constantly breaks things on purpose and laughs, hits everyone, shouts and screams when told no by parents as my sister never says no.

My parents are struggling too as they don't like their things getting broken.

If I ever mention anything to my sister about his behaviour she becomes extremely defensive but I just can't stand their company at the moment and I feel terrible for saying that. Not sure what to do further but limiting contact seems for the best at the moment.

No she has never paid for anything that he's broken. He's broken my mum and dad's television (chucking items at it when my dad turned a TV programme off) and many other things but the TV was the worst. We hide everything now. My eldest knows to not ger his phone out at all because that would be chucked. We don't leave anything at my parents anymore since he broke my 10 year old warhammer stuff. My sister blamed me for leaving stuff there and blamed my dad for turning the TV off.

This is the background to what we've been dealing with.

My mum and dad can choose how they deal with things and we will just have to set new ways of seeing them until things improve. I'm sure (hope) they will in time.

A complete disgrace. God knows what kind of adult this wee monster will become! The school will have a tough time with him - pity the teachers and other kids

That's shocking.
Op get your sister to read that post.

Its hard when things turn this way with a sister and a nephes. I have a similar problem, eventhough sister is more of an issue then the child. Its hearbreaking. Hope things turn better in your family and you will be able to see each other again.

That's pretty shocking behaviour by your sister. Her son broke her parents' TV in a fit of temper and she didn't even offer to replace it, even though you say they have a good household income.

How did your parents react to this?

I’ve never heard of anything like this. 😳

There is an ND child in family like this, luckily diagnosed. Parents are very vigilant but things get broken, they have the money to replace items & have mother’s helper. They’ve seen private specialists, done it all. It can’t be quickly sorted, takes years, if ever.

Typical strategies don’t work. Child literally cannot control impulses. Just cannot stop urge to throw something or not do an idea. Watched some YouTube idiot do something and he does it (burn things in microwave, smash plates, oil kitchen floor).

Their house is carefully indestructible. No glass glasses, knives hidden, plastic plates most meals, locking cupboards.

They’ve had dozens things broken- iPads, tvs, phones, chargers, toys, photo albums, sentimental things, jewelry flushed. No play dates at their house.

Sometimes it isn’t parents, parenting, routine, diet, discipline… sometimes it’s disability which doesn’t respond to usual parenting techniques.

Hopefully, this parent learns how they fit in with others, they need learn entertain at theirs, strict time periods, short visits. Your kids don’t bring stuff, brief visits.

@MiddleParking OPs desire, motivation, willing to engage further with sister/mum/nephew is very likely to be informed by whether she believes the kid is some sort of psychopath ( laughing in joy at hurting others), or whether he is ND ( highly malleable to change, laughing inappropriately under social situations, on some level to feel compassion for).

It's her sister and her nephew remember. She cares a lot about this. If it was Johnny down the lane, she wouldn't be on here, she'd LTB and that would be the end of it.

I could write a thesis but would derail and bore everyone to tears.

From all these really interesting posts, the key thing apparent to OP now is going to be i. Is sister ready and willing to face this situation (ND), and do something about parenting accordingly because of this. Traditional methods don't work. The right approach works wonders. Can OP influence this? Maybe. Maybe not.

Yes I agree. It isn’t normal for four . Plenty of children are in school at four: they can’t grab everyone’s food and spit it on their plate. It would be a health and safety nightmare. I was aghast when I saw a four year old eating pasta with their fingers but it was nothing like this.

I agree. It also sounds as though he did it provocatively.

Sadly, something like this happened to us. Eventually, if we were around my nephews, we had to work a 'rota' between husband and I- so that our daughter was never left alone. I however, wasn't afraid to give them a bollocking. He even gave my FIL a black eye- but y'know, boys will be boys eh?

As time went on, we saw them less; even now, the boys don't really like me because I challenge their views on women. So yes, we hardly see them but nothing I ever said changed that; when grandparents said they were just being boys, I asked them- 'what is it about my daughters that make you think it's ok for them to be hurt by boys who are bigger than them?' Sadly, you may have to become the adult who has boundaries in their lives to protect your child. It's a difficult situation OP.

Yes we did! It had landed high up in a tree in a back garden. The dad of the family heroically scaled the tree to rescue it, to applause from his kids and mine!

After your latest update @Sunshineandalltherainbows I think I would be very blunt with your sister.

This boy's behaviour is either a result of crap parenting or there is something else going on.

If my sister's DC had done the damage that your nephew had I would have made much more of a fuss.

It sounds like your sister is in denial about her son's behaviour TBH.

My mum used to minimize my brother’s behaviour all the time. He used to cry and be rewarded for bad behaviour. One example of this (which was mentioned at my mother’s funeral by family friends) was at the dinner table. I was six and he was four, he had a fork in his hand and he saw my hand lying flat on the table next to him. Stabbed it right into my hand really hard. The husband of the family friend just roared at him while my mum screamed at me to stop crying and making a fuss as he was “only little and didn’t know what he was doing.” The wife of the friends picked me up and washed my hand and dressed it. At my mum’s funeral all I could think was “I wondered where that scar came from….”
The friends were asked to leave that evening. Was my brother ND? No. He was naughty and it was rewarded. He later became ”chemically-challenged” and that was also rewarded as she wouldn’t hear anything terrible said about her little angel. When she died he was in his forties and a non-functioning adult. He inherited her millions. I just a token amount. She had done everything for him. He thought I would continue with “Mum Duties” like laundry, cooking, listening to his woes and catering to his whims ($$$) and became extremely physically aggressive to the point that I called police. He is still trying to contact me and is still angry eight years down the track after I insisted that my family and I are NC. Still trying to contact me.

Sometimes it isn’t parents, parenting, routine, diet, discipline… sometimes it’s disability which doesn’t respond to usual parenting techniques.

Rarely, it's mainly these things if the child is not severely ND (non verbal or non responsive)

Watched some YouTube idiot do something and he does it (burn things in microwave, smash plates, oil kitchen floor).

The very fact this happened more than once is testament to that. Youtube (which is VERY appropriate for children anyway ) should have been removed the FIRST time that happened for a period of time. If it ever happened again it should have been removed permanently.

Making excuses for substandard parenting harms ND children far more than it helps them.

Making excuses for substandard parenting harms ND children far more than it helps them.

So, so true.

It's a free ticket for bad behaviour in so many cases

Thanks for the reminder of this. I have a similar situation in my family and I do agree they that things do tend to sort themselves out in the end. You just have to nurse the adult relationships which surround it in the meantime

Completely agree “ Specially needs” is such an excuse these days for lax parenting.
I too have seen kids hit their parents and a wet blanket voice is used .

Teachers say behaviour problems are off the scale appalling, reams of kids starting school in nappies and poorly socialised-

Something is amiss.

These children can’t ALL be special needs.

Absolutely. Enjoy Christmas with your family, who behave according to your behaviours. You work hard to provide Christmas traditions and memories for your kids. Don't taint that with behaviours and traditions that you can't justify or agree with

I'd have to be brutally honest with your sister & sod the consequences! You can't all be held to ransom by a spoilt little 4yr old!! If his parents don't stamp this shit out now, he'll only get worse.

Yeah, no, people aren’t required to tolerate having their things broken and their boobs grabbed jusf to avoid a mum feeling uncomfy.

18 of every 100 … it’s possible that they ARE all SEN.

How many school pupils have SEN? In January 2024, there were around 1.7 million school pupils in England with identified SEN (18% of all pupils). Of these pupils with identified SEN, around 1.2 million receive SEN Support, and around 0.4 million have Education, Health, and Care plans.

If all badly-behaved kids must be assumed to be ND then surely at some point we’re going to have to switch ND and NT around, as it’ll be a rarity for a kid not to have SEN.

I am ND myself and even I find MN’s insistence that every child ever is ND completely tedious.

I agree as the mother of a child on a huge waiting list for assessment. I wouldn't assume all children are ND usually, but as op's child is autistic it makes it more likely in this case that a cousin could be too.

The 'backlash' is because it doesn't highlight very obvious ND issues on here to most of us.

I have a nephew and sister with ADHD, none of the behaviours being described about this boy seem familiar to me. My step-son has autism. Again, he would never have behaved like this. Even if they did, they still have to be shown it's not acceptable.