I am (nervously!) back for more advice. Last time posting about this issue was a bit challenging, but there was some very helpful perspectives and advice among the responses, so I am returning for further advice.
My first thread is here, for background: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children
Since then, things have moved on a bit. Ex-DP’s ex-wife asked to have the bedroom furniture from the children’s rooms at my house, I assumed to upgrade the furniture at her home or to go to Ex-DP’s new place or storage, depending on his ultimate plans. I agreed and she came to collect it. It turns out she wanted it to sell, with the money going to fund the trip one of their children was going on. I felt a bit funny on hearing that news, but ultimately I wanted the furniture gone and realise with that comes not having a say in how the next person chooses to use it.
I also ended up writing a goodbye card to each of the children with a generous gift voucher in each - one for books (as we shared a love of reading and used to go to bookstores and the library together) and the other for lessons/paraphernalia in the sport they do. I told ex-DP I was going to do this, and gave them to ex-DP’s ex-wife when she came to collect the furniture.
Recently (so about 4 months after all this), I was watching my nieces play sport for their school team with my sister and ex-DP was there watching one DC also play (different teams, different ages, they don’t usually play at the same time, this was an unusual schedule change). We had a mutual sideline, so he came over and spoke to us and we watch the games side by side. At the conclusion of the game his DC came over, said hello and were happy to see me. This was brief, as we all needed to leave and clear the field for the next set of games.
Since then, I ran into Ex-DP again at a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, and we chatted. He asked me about resuming the relationship, or to start again by dating and seeing how things go. He says it could be like the first 2 years, where we didn’t live together and the children didn’t live here, but we dated, spent nights at each others homes, and had weekend and holidays away. His contact with the children would be during his own time, and he says we could look long term at re-introducing things, if we both wanted too, but the important thing would be to focus on us right now and not throw away that, due to some difficult teenage years. He asked to meet for coffee this week to discuss it further.
I’m unsure whether to meet again or what to do. Turning it over in my mind, the idea has some merit. I miss him, and our relationship. It is not easy to find someone you get on with so well, and who can support themselves (yes, I do earn a considerable amount more than him, but he still earns well above a average). However it’s not lost on me that he has not found his own accommodation and is still living with his parents. So I feel like this means whilst any dates or meals or activities ‘out’ would be out and about, any time ‘at home’ (dinners, nights in, weekends etc) would be spent at my home, not his. We have too much history to spend months in the activities ‘out’ dating stage for long, it feels like he would effectively be stealthily moving back in, albeit, spending time back at his parents with the children or when needed.
He absolutely denies this, and says it would be dating, weekends away and only moving at a pace we are both comfortable with. He said he wants to listen to me, and work through it, as we should have done originally.
I’m not sure what to think. I miss him. But the end was so unpleasant, and I’m not sure if he means it, or if this is just softening me up? Or even if what he is suggesting would work or be fair to him and the children.
I’d appreciate thoughts, as I can’t view this very objectively right now.