Should I return to relationship with Ex-DP?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I am (nervously!) back for more advice. Last time posting about this issue was a bit challenging, but there was some very helpful perspectives and advice among the responses, so I am returning for further advice.

My first thread is here, for background: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

Since then, things have moved on a bit. Ex-DP’s ex-wife asked to have the bedroom furniture from the children’s rooms at my house, I assumed to upgrade the furniture at her home or to go to Ex-DP’s new place or storage, depending on his ultimate plans. I agreed and she came to collect it. It turns out she wanted it to sell, with the money going to fund the trip one of their children was going on. I felt a bit funny on hearing that news, but ultimately I wanted the furniture gone and realise with that comes not having a say in how the next person chooses to use it.

I also ended up writing a goodbye card to each of the children with a generous gift voucher in each - one for books (as we shared a love of reading and used to go to bookstores and the library together) and the other for lessons/paraphernalia in the sport they do. I told ex-DP I was going to do this, and gave them to ex-DP’s ex-wife when she came to collect the furniture.

Recently (so about 4 months after all this), I was watching my nieces play sport for their school team with my sister and ex-DP was there watching one DC also play (different teams, different ages, they don’t usually play at the same time, this was an unusual schedule change). We had a mutual sideline, so he came over and spoke to us and we watch the games side by side. At the conclusion of the game his DC came over, said hello and were happy to see me. This was brief, as we all needed to leave and clear the field for the next set of games.

Since then, I ran into Ex-DP again at a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, and we chatted. He asked me about resuming the relationship, or to start again by dating and seeing how things go. He says it could be like the first 2 years, where we didn’t live together and the children didn’t live here, but we dated, spent nights at each others homes, and had weekend and holidays away. His contact with the children would be during his own time, and he says we could look long term at re-introducing things, if we both wanted too, but the important thing would be to focus on us right now and not throw away that, due to some difficult teenage years. He asked to meet for coffee this week to discuss it further.

I’m unsure whether to meet again or what to do. Turning it over in my mind, the idea has some merit. I miss him, and our relationship. It is not easy to find someone you get on with so well, and who can support themselves (yes, I do earn a considerable amount more than him, but he still earns well above a average). However it’s not lost on me that he has not found his own accommodation and is still living with his parents. So I feel like this means whilst any dates or meals or activities ‘out’ would be out and about, any time ‘at home’ (dinners, nights in, weekends etc) would be spent at my home, not his. We have too much history to spend months in the activities ‘out’ dating stage for long, it feels like he would effectively be stealthily moving back in, albeit, spending time back at his parents with the children or when needed.

He absolutely denies this, and says it would be dating, weekends away and only moving at a pace we are both comfortable with. He said he wants to listen to me, and work through it, as we should have done originally.

I’m not sure what to think. I miss him. But the end was so unpleasant, and I’m not sure if he means it, or if this is just softening me up? Or even if what he is suggesting would work or be fair to him and the children.

I’d appreciate thoughts, as I can’t view this very objectively right now.

@SauviGone I’ll admit the cynical part of me wonders if he thought he’s try again with me, before he went to the trouble of using the money he’s (presumably) been saving for the last few months to rent and place and get furniture etc.

But I am trying not to be cynical. We are all complex - it could simultaneously be true that he misses me and wants to fix our relationship, and he wants to know if it can be fixed prior to him outplaying a lot of money.

I try and give him a bit of grace about that, as in the last thread I thought my motives were good in keeping the house entirely in my name, paying all expenses, housekeeping and maintenance to do with it and not accepting rent or board, were protecting my assets, making ownership very clear and giving him more disposable income on a day-to-day level. But some people also pointed out if genders were reversed it would be seen as very unfair and in doing so he wasn’t building an asset and that I was being unfair to him. I don’t regret my position and wouldn’t change anything, but I see how my actions can be viewed as putting him in a vulnerable position. So both things true at the same time.

I will go against the grain and say you could test the waters.

You know how and why it went wrong and you can go into this forewarned and forearmed.

Keep it as an adult relationship, don't see him on the weekends he has the kids, or if you do, then their accommodation etc. is down to him to sort out not you. Don't let him move back in.

Lay down your expectations and limits and see where it goes. You can walk away if you start to feel it's all happening again. But at least for your own peace of mind you will then be able to move on without any of the lingering what-ifs/regrets that you have now.

I'm writing as someone who got back with someone who I had broken up with.
In my situation, I broke up with him because he prioritised his hobby over me, and that he was unemployed with no drive.
A few years later I found out he had a job and was slightly more organised - we gave it another go - we've now been together nearly 15 years.
Most importantly he wasn't dependent on me for money or housing and neither of us had children.

Nevertheless in your case I don't think getting back together sounds like it would work for you.

What’s in it for the OP, though? If her ex can't afford to support his children and pay for somewhere to live, all these ‘dates’ and weekends will just involve being at her house because he lives with his parents, so he’s essentially moving back in by stealth. I think it’s incredibly arrogant of him to suggest this when he’s done nothing to resolve the causes of the end of the relationship.

You didn't feel like a cash cow at the time yet within days of the split it was ALL about money. The money thing was there all along, you just didn't notice or he kept it well hidden. What I don't understand is presumably (given their ages) the children were already in the school system when you got together - how was he paying for it then if they suddenly said they would struggle when you split?! None of the money issues they identified should have existed as they had parented separately for several years.

Agreed.

But she has some regrets. Hence me saying test the waters but with ground rules.

End of the day it's up to OP. She asked for opinions, I gave one that was deliberately against the grain.

I’ll admit the cynical part of me wonders if he thought he’s try again with me, before he went to the trouble of using the money he’s (presumably) been saving for the last few months to rent and place and get furniture etc.

A decent fathers priority would be securing a stable home for his children - especially important in this case given they’re apparently going through some turbulent teenage years which is the excuse for their shitty behaviour towards you.

His priority seems to be worming his way back into your home and your bank account

Tell him to get in touch in with you 6 months time, when he’s all set up in his own home and then have a think about trying again, when you’re on a far more even footing.

A wonderful lady once told me 'walk forwards not backwards'
For me, she was right 🌸

@3LemonsAndLime
Don't do it. Never go back.

Can you summarize in one sentence the reason(s) the relationship ended? Can you honestly say that the factors that led to the end no longer apply, and (as far as you can reasonably predict) won't recur? If not, don't get back together.

She sounds a little bit lonely, but that’s no real reason to walk straight back into the exact same situation that caused her to end the relationship.

You’ve explained the situation clearly. What I’d suggest is thinking and focusing on what you want from a relationship and a partner. How do you want to spend your time and how - ideally- do you want a relationship to progress. What qualities are you attracted to and seek? Starting off anew feeling uneasy isn’t the best way to rekindle things I feel. Remember whatever you feel - that’s allowed. If you want to have a partner without kids - that’s allowed. If you want a partner whose in more of a financial parity with you - that’s allowed. Maybe hang back til after Xmas and new year is my feeling and see how you feel in a few months. Christmas can be a bit of a smokescreen in being very emotional etc. last comment- I read your previous post and I really didn’t like reading how your ex reacted - he made plans for his kids entirely based on his very fortunate situation with you and then blamed you for ruining things. Has he acknowledged and apologized for this behavior at the very least?

I’ve just read your first thread. This man doesn’t know you or understand you or respect you. You might have some pleasant times together but he is not capable, and can’t be bothered to become capable, of being a good partner.

You know for a fact this manipulative man ignores your clearly stated boundaries.

You won’t even get 3 proper ‘dates’ out of him before he’s just turning up on your doorstep expecting to spend most of his child free nights at yours .

And I’ll give it 6 weeks before he brings the kids round unannounced - “they’ve really missed you, they wanted to come and say hello… now we’re here we might as well all just stay tonight”.

In 3 months time you’ll be back where you were in April.

The relationship ended as his children were/are currently in those difficult years, and due to their behaviour (after culminating in one particular incident), I felt I got in my car and wanted to drive away and never return. I had discussed it with Ex-DP who’s view was it was within the range of normal, trying behaviour, and, as parents, we had to discipline at times, show leniency and guidance at others and generally put up with it and get through the difficult teenage years. I found this more difficult for me, as I am not the parent and couldn’t ’parent’ to the extent he and his Ex-wife could, and also I would get worse behaviour than their parents did. (However, as I said in the other thread, I also saw their wonderful behaviour and lovely personalities at times, and sincerely hope they grow out of this). I think Ex-DP had fallen into the view that I was more like him and his ex-wife and bound to this situation (ie leaving wasn’t an option), and so it shocked him that I thought so.

That is the reason we broke up, but it was 5 sentences. The issues Ex-DP then raised about money after we broke up were concerning.

Ex-DP has a strong plan for the first reason not occurring again, and wants to meet again to get my input and work through it so I am comfortable. The second one (about money) hasn’t been touched on.

I didn't even need to read your update before I decided my answer was 'no'. Op I read your previous thread and it was shocking how much of a baby this man is - he can't stand on his own two feet and wants you to be his mum. If you want a baby, have one via a sperm donor it will be much cuter than this man. And will eventually get a job and move out into its own home.

I absolutely get that you're lonely (me too!) it's that cozy autumn season and maybe you've seen the dregs on online dating and a bit of familiar affection seems appealing. Please note that if he'd found someone else to house him I don't think he'd be begging for you back. He's not saying much about how he misses YOU is he?

If you want to do charity work for a parent and child, why don't you offer cheap rent to a single mum and he child fleeing domestic abuse in your two spare rooms? They deserve it more and would probably be more grateful for your generosity than him.

As an experiment, imagine if you told him you've actually scaled back at work and you're just on a low two day a week salary as you've been suffering from unexplained fatigue and you need a lot of help around the house/ can't do much and won't be able to pay for the holidays now he'd have to. Do you in your heart of hearts think he'd say 'op helped me so much in my hard times, I really will take this opportunity to care for her and be generous to her'
Of course he won't.

(I subsidized an underemployed waste man and he left me just before our baby was born. Now he has found a single mum to move in with and subsidize his housing. )

This X 100

I worry your loneliness will drive you into the familiar arms of a man who didn't treat you right last time (and won't again).

It should worry you A LOT that he hasn't moved out of his parents. There is no good reason for this, especially considering he earns more than the average earner.

To put it in some context: I am medically retired due to a severe neurological condition and have my income topped up by benefits. I was given 6 months to find a home with my DC (court appointed me residential parent) and found a place in the first 6 weeks. I had no money left, but 2 children and an illness.

This man has lots of income -more than most, children EOW only, and is fit as a fiddle. So why hasn't he found his own home yet?

He might be nice, but he's also after your money, and I wish you could see that.

Sorry, but I would also be concerned he might try to play the long game and marry you so you can't cut him loose so easily next time.

Like another poster said, tell him to find his own place and establish himself before he dates anyone.

(He won't.)

@BoundaryLine oh yes op please don't marry him!!!!

The relationship ended because he thought it was acceptable to let his children treat you like dirt without ever pulling them up on it, and still expected you to spend money on them.

That’s how you put in one sentence.

OP, you are a lovely woman who tries to make allowances and see the best in everyone. You deserve better than a man like that.

Look, it took you ages to decide it wasn't working and he behaved pretty poorly when yoi broke up. All that manipulation of trying to turn up early to see you when you wanted your sister to be there instead was extremely disrespectful, then conniving his way to meeting you and bringing his kids along to play into big "sad face you've ruined the kids lives and they're so upset" was unbelievably manipulative. Ending with "well you could at least be paying me off" - what a tool.

You're missing him because you're a nice person, but there's no way you should he back with him. Please don't let yourself be sucked back in!

I might say that I’d consider it once he has his own place so that he could host you on his child free weekends.

Yes, I know I am lonely. I wouldn’t admit that to friends or family, but I suppose that’s the benefit being able to be more honest anonymously on Mumsnet.

But I am very comfortable with my own company and have a large group of friends and family to do things with. But I miss getting into the car with Ex-DP after a dinner or night out and talking about what we’ve just seen or the food we’ve eaten or people talked too. I miss having someone beside you at those things, when everyone else is partnered up and it is obvious you aren’t. And I miss coming home from work and smelling a lovely dinner already cooking after a long day, or sitting on the couch in comfortable silence watching tv or reading books. Instead of a cold, dark house. I love flowers, and he learnt my favourites and would buy me some every week.

The threads have all been about the children and the end and the money, but Ex-DP really was a kind, funny man, who saw how hard I worked and did little things to make it easier. He got on with my family and friends, and we had similar hobbies and enjoyed doing similar things.

I’m just trying to weigh that up vs the way things ended and whether his behaviour with the money at the end was in part due to me (unintentionally) putting him in a precarious financial position. Some posters on the last thread had that view (I accept it was a minority) and if genders were reversed, it may have been more. I can’t fault anyone for wanting the best for their kids and spending accordingly. My own DSis does, and I try to spoil my DNieces and DNephews too.

I too would be worried about stealth moving in again. It would be impossible to rewrite history. The kids/ex-W know you. Ex-DP has financially benefited from you. No, really don't. There are nicer people out there. Start afresh.

I guess his behaviour at the end was partly due to the 'norm' being that you subsidized him. If you want to get back with him you need to have a really frank discussion about finances and whose role is whose. Make it clear you won't subsidize him OR tell him as a test the experiment I suggest below.

It's normal to miss a partner to have someone to go home with and chat about the evening etc but there are plenty of men who could fill that role.