It’s nice of you to remember me @NeedToAskPlease and @RadFsI recently read a thread similar to mine, and felt like I was having flashbacks from it. I then got the notification of the new post on this post. I hesitated abit about responding, as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open all this up again, but people were very supportive with their time and advice when I needed it, so I thought I ‘owed’ it to update, even if I perhaps don’t come out of it very well.
So generally, in the short term after those posts, whilst the advice might have been a bit tongue-in-cheek, I took @OnGoldenPond ’s advice and I did buy a slow cooker, and figured out how to use the auto timers on my lights and heating (it was already installed, but ex-DP did more of the techy stuff in the house, so I had to sit down and download the app, watch a YouTube tutorial etc to work it out). These made a bit of a difference, to come home to a warm, welcoming house with the small of dinner, although, of course, it doesn’t replace a person.
After that, I was getting on with things, and the rush into Christmas is always a double edged sword of being helpful but nostalgic - I was busy with work, and spare time spent gift buying and Christmas drinks/events, but also it was more noticeable that I wasn’t decorating the house for or with other people and conscious I wasn’t buying gifts and stocking stuffers for ex-DP and his children, among the other gifts. But I just nailed a smile on my face and got on with it. Even now, that’s a bit how I feel.
But I suppose the interesting part you all might care to know, is that my family usually go away for a 2 week holiday around C’mas/end of year. I think I may have alluded to it before, but essentially I actually have another sister, and she and her family are currently living abroad. Ever since she went, we have always done this holiday as a family to a point between her and us. We get a private place for the whole family but near/adjoined to resorts. Think like a skiing holiday in Europe where we stay in our own chalet, or a villa in Bali or in the Whitsunday Islands. So separate and private accomodation for the family, but very close and interacting with others on the resort/island/ski fields as well, and lost two of physical activity for everyone on hand. I pay for the accomodation and everything for my parents, and my sisters just pay for their families flights. We always go to the same place (because we are boring?) and Ex-DP has been on a few of these trips, however his children have not, not because of any reason but scheduling, in the past they have been unavailable having Christmas with their mother and her side of the family, or going on a holiday with their Mum.
In any case, this time around, due to different school start/end dates, we adjusted the booking slightly to be 2 weeks earlier. This must have been done after breaking up with ex-DP, although I don’t recall exactly when. My parents and I can be very flexible with dates, so normally my two sisters consult about the different school dates and then let us know. Anyway, we had the holiday as planned, and it was lovely. Then on the second last day, ExDP turned up at the door of our place with his children. We were all having a drink and crudities after a big day, and deciding whether to go out to eat or eat in (we do this little ritual every night there and decide, Ex-DP would have known and known we were there then). My DF answered the door and ex-DP said he had seen BIL earlier and it was a surprise and that he must stop in for a drink and say hello. My DF is a very polite man assumed from this wording BIL had seen him, spoken to him and invited him for a drink, and he just didn’t know, so he invited him in. Ex-DP came in, greeted everyone, had the children greeting everyone and just…..stayed. In hindsight it was farcical. I eventually pulled aside DF and asked what on earth? And he said ask BIL, he invited him. So I then had to corner one BIL, who said “absolutely not” and then the other (who has only met him three times!) and he had no idea, and meanwhile my sisters and DM are carrying conversation thinking I must have engineered this, and then this turned to ordered dinner in, and all this food arrived and they are suddenly eating with us around the table. DSis (the one who lives near me) then cornered me were putting the food out and setting the table and asked WTF and I told her the same, so she then politely asked him what he was doing here (very nicely) and then his line about seeing DBIL came out, but he meant seeing from a distance on this, his very first day here, and that after seeing him he realised we were here usual that he should say hello, so he decided to do so. He then said how he’d forgotten we booked here for this 2 weeks every year, but he was here with the kids and, we must do more together. At that point DSis said ‘no, we leave tomorrow’ and it came out about us having booked 2 weeks earlier than usual. Ex-DP just lost all his words and then sputtered what? It turned out he had only booked short term accomodation for him and the children, but flights two weeks later. He denied it, but it was clear he thought he’d somehow ask and be able to stay with us (to be fair, there are lots of rooms), and kind of join the holiday. It was this awful, awful dinner, where the kids (nieces, nephews and his two) are all eating and talking normally, and the adults are just kind of chewing in silence because everyone was thinking WTF? As in, he looked so angry at this information but he couldn’t be angry, because he had no right to be, but he wanted to kind of “test” it, like “when did you decide this?” “Why would you change? You always said these were the best two weeks? You always said you didn’t want to be away for [event]”. And it was in this really weird tone, of like ‘I’m angry, but I’m still trying to be jovial’. It was just so, so awkward, and at this stage, at least some of my family members thought he was here because I wanted him to be, so they were still trying to be welcoming.
After dinner, if we have stayed in, we usually play board games or watch a film with the kids or sometimes my parents would do that with the kids and my sisters, BILs and I would go out and have a drink somewhere nice. We just decide on each night, depending on if people are tired from skiing/swimming/the day. He knew this from previous stays, and so at the end of dinner was really pushing for us to go out and my parents to mind all the kids. Thankfully my my sister shut this down and then elbowed both BILs to say they all had to pack and no movies/games tonight (so then their kids started to protest), and to hustle him and the kids to the door, and they left. We all then had a WTF moment and sat around re-living the whole afternoon/evening whilst my BILs’s laughingly preened themselves for (unlike Ex-DP) being wonderful son-in-laws, wonderful brother-in-laws (to me) and all round champions.
Ex-DP did come around early the next day (also with the children), I think to see we were really leaving and to talk to me. I won’t bore you with the details as this post is already long enough, but I did, it didn’t go well, my DBIL stepped in and it ended with me saying this behaviour was falling into stalking behaviour and if he contacted me again I would take steps. I think this shocked him, as he didn’t see his behaviour in that light, and did not want any consequences from that.
I have not seen him since. His children have since left the school my nieces are at, and for a good while I avoided anything he might be at. However, it has now been several months and I think everything has calmed down.
I’m still single. Still using my slow cooker and timed lights, and yes (I could only admit it anonymously on Mumsnet) still lonely.