Should I return to relationship with Ex-DP?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I am (nervously!) back for more advice. Last time posting about this issue was a bit challenging, but there was some very helpful perspectives and advice among the responses, so I am returning for further advice.

My first thread is here, for background: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

Since then, things have moved on a bit. Ex-DP’s ex-wife asked to have the bedroom furniture from the children’s rooms at my house, I assumed to upgrade the furniture at her home or to go to Ex-DP’s new place or storage, depending on his ultimate plans. I agreed and she came to collect it. It turns out she wanted it to sell, with the money going to fund the trip one of their children was going on. I felt a bit funny on hearing that news, but ultimately I wanted the furniture gone and realise with that comes not having a say in how the next person chooses to use it.

I also ended up writing a goodbye card to each of the children with a generous gift voucher in each - one for books (as we shared a love of reading and used to go to bookstores and the library together) and the other for lessons/paraphernalia in the sport they do. I told ex-DP I was going to do this, and gave them to ex-DP’s ex-wife when she came to collect the furniture.

Recently (so about 4 months after all this), I was watching my nieces play sport for their school team with my sister and ex-DP was there watching one DC also play (different teams, different ages, they don’t usually play at the same time, this was an unusual schedule change). We had a mutual sideline, so he came over and spoke to us and we watch the games side by side. At the conclusion of the game his DC came over, said hello and were happy to see me. This was brief, as we all needed to leave and clear the field for the next set of games.

Since then, I ran into Ex-DP again at a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, and we chatted. He asked me about resuming the relationship, or to start again by dating and seeing how things go. He says it could be like the first 2 years, where we didn’t live together and the children didn’t live here, but we dated, spent nights at each others homes, and had weekend and holidays away. His contact with the children would be during his own time, and he says we could look long term at re-introducing things, if we both wanted too, but the important thing would be to focus on us right now and not throw away that, due to some difficult teenage years. He asked to meet for coffee this week to discuss it further.

I’m unsure whether to meet again or what to do. Turning it over in my mind, the idea has some merit. I miss him, and our relationship. It is not easy to find someone you get on with so well, and who can support themselves (yes, I do earn a considerable amount more than him, but he still earns well above a average). However it’s not lost on me that he has not found his own accommodation and is still living with his parents. So I feel like this means whilst any dates or meals or activities ‘out’ would be out and about, any time ‘at home’ (dinners, nights in, weekends etc) would be spent at my home, not his. We have too much history to spend months in the activities ‘out’ dating stage for long, it feels like he would effectively be stealthily moving back in, albeit, spending time back at his parents with the children or when needed.

He absolutely denies this, and says it would be dating, weekends away and only moving at a pace we are both comfortable with. He said he wants to listen to me, and work through it, as we should have done originally.

I’m not sure what to think. I miss him. But the end was so unpleasant, and I’m not sure if he means it, or if this is just softening me up? Or even if what he is suggesting would work or be fair to him and the children.

I’d appreciate thoughts, as I can’t view this very objectively right now.

OP, if you come back, here's what stood out for me- you said that if you got back together, presumably he would use the opportunity to build up savings, etc (sorry, I lost the quote). Never presume the best. Always prepare for the worst.

If he has learned his lesson about finances, you have nothing to worry about, but if he hasn't and the relationship doesn't work out, he will be there again, hand out.

To be clear, throwing a glass at a tv is not normal or within the bounds of "typical tween acting out". It's really quite extreme and he sounds like a massive bellend. Fuck him off.

Really? I suggest you give OP's previous thread a read, and then pop back and let her know whether you'd stand by this advice.

Being blunt, going back to this relationship would be like a dog returning to its vomit! Nothing good will come out of it and it will get messy. Don’t do it.

@3LemonsAndLime

I think you are quite a rational person when it comes to life and relationships - and this is how I think about life as well, so here is my view on this.
(I’ll add to it that I can relate to your situation because because i am also in a position of having higher income than my bf)

The way it looks to me is that your relationship broke down mostly because of his kids being in teenage phase. This is not unusual, and quite understandable.
At the same tine - if you took the kids out of equation - the relationship worked, and would have continued.
The fact that you had a higher income - i think was not an issues in itself - as he made a good salary and could pay his way.

(These things could be tricky, of course, but most of the time its men making more in a relationship, and its considered normal. It seems that if the situation is reversed - it raises alarm. But only you know if it felt he was taking an advantage.

I am in your position in my relationship, btw - we share some expenses - i pay for extras where i want to have nicer trips/dinners than he would have paid for - and i dont think its unfair. I also wont marry him as I want to pass my assets to my kids, rather than dilute them - and he is OK with it)

So - the way I’d make this decision is pragmatically. It seems that you miss something the relationship wi try him gave you. Mostly - companionship and connection. While not missing the aggravation his kids gave you.
I think it is not easy to date and find companionship in mid-life. Most of my friends dating post divorce in 40-50s are really struggling with finding a partner that works on all dimensions.

It seems that you now can define this relationship in the way you want - have the parts that work and not have the bits that do not work for you. Pragmatically - i’d probably try it out. Why not see if - dating him works and adds something to your already fulfilling life? What exactly do you lose by doing that?

I am at the age now where I do not care about the way life is ‘supposed to be’. Kids and the guy do NOT have to come as a package - if everybody realises that it does not work for a time.
I have teenagers myself - so i dont expect (or want) my bf to live with us full time. He is here sometimes when they are here, but mostly when they are not. He has his own place - but I rarely go there - as i prefer my place.

Basically - the relationship works because neither of us are too inflexible and we dont expect it to follow some pre-defined ‘right’ way.

I have seen people break up over teenagers and going back to dating without blending families. It worked well as teenagers phase is short and kids grow up quickly and move on to unis. While the adults relationship continues.

He misses the easy life he had with you being so generous, and he wants it back.

Do not get back together with him; the same reason you split the first time would be the same reason you split again.

Yes and for OP then to have to cover the cost of the damage is shocking. He’s such a pisstaker. His children sound out of control and rude and he won’t acknowledge that fact. What is in it for the OP to get back together? Nothing. What’s in it for him? ££££££££££ and the fact that he could probably never pull someone of that calibre elsewhere and just struck lucky with OP. Not many rich independent childfree women who are kind and generous AND will put up with a scrounger who lives with his parents, and has seemingly feral children.

Has it really been 6 months? I remember your thread so well and have often wondered how you are getting on. I thought at the time and think now that you are so lovely and generous and most certainly didn't deserve to be treated so badly. I totally understand your concerns about how he appears to have not moved on at all since your split - how does he have the kids EOW, I seem to recall him saying that there was no room for them at his parents?

Yeah I does smack of moving in by stealth - and once again he gets to enjoy your lovely home while not able to reciprocate. And yet, and YET, ah the loneliness...........all the material wealth and good job does not keep you company and enhance your life in the way a good DP does.

I don't know that I have any advice, yet as someone who was most firmly in your camp in April and still am, I honestly think I would give it a go. Yes, by all means protect your assets, but make it crystal clear that you will not be entertaining his kids until they have developed into the fabulous young adults they will become, and they need to be told that this is on them, this is a direct result of their behaviour pre April. Honestly OP that would be non negotiable for me. Also he needs to be told that the money he saves needs to be saved and invested for his and his kids futures because you WON'T be funding them if the relationship sours in the future.

I know that your lovely DS and BIL will listen and provide stirling advice, they too sound lovely, really sensible.

Your back in my mind again now, so I hope you come back and let us know what you decide.

I remeber your last thread and honestly you would be crazy to get involved with him again. You'll just end up getting sucked back in and being taken advantage of all over again. He misses the gravey train he had with you . You need to hold strong here and say no.

I might consider testing him out on the financial thing. I normally don't like the idea of lying to people but it does feel like he was taking advantage to f you financially.

You could say for example that there was a chance of you being made redundant and if it happened you would take the opportunity to retrain. Money would be very tight for a few years. See how he reacted.

@3LemonsAndLime please do not allow him to wriggle his way back in again!! all the previous history will end up repeating itself! what will happen when the kids go off to uni or they want a deposit for a house etc?? you will be expecting to put your hand in your pocket!! if he comes back, you will be expected to refurnish the rooms they previously stayed in and do not think for one minute that they are going to start being all respectful to you for evermore! even the wife doesnt respect you. they are all seeing you as the communal bank!!

I’m back from coffee with my sister. I’ve only glanced at the comments (I will have a good read once this is posted), but I can see a few of you want to shake sense into me. Don’t worry, my sister has done so, in her very careful way.

As always, my sister was very kind, and perceptive. She had thought I might be lonely, but reminded me it’s ’better to be alone, than badly accompanied’. Of course, ExDP wasn’t bad company, it’s just the issue of the children’s behaviour and then secondly, did I feel financially used, considering the aftermath.

She also said she had thought this might be coming, as ExDP had made a point of coming and talking to her or DBIL whenever they ran into each other at school pickups/drop offs or events, which she found a bit awkward. She also noticed that spending still seemed to be happening at a great rate. One child still went on the Italy trip, the other is still paying the expensive sport and still having tutoring in another subject (I realised I previously paid for this, not sure how as I wouldn’t usually…..I think the bill was due when ExDP was away for work, so I just paid the term’s fees?) She hadn’t said anything to anyone, as like last time they could be funding it via many ways (new job, grandparents, credit etc) and that she considers the whole thing not her business.

She also brought up that earlier this year we had talked about spending 3 weeks of Christmas somewhere nice. I was paying for the accomodation for us all and then flights for ExDP, his children and my parents as a gift (or really, I am more tech savvy and would book their stuff with mine and just pay for them). My sister and her family would pay their flights. It’s also expensive activities etc once there and we’d all be paying for our own and I know my sister would shout me dinners or do more in relation to sorting plans out there etc out there as a thank you for the accomodation. We’ve done similar before (and with ExDP and children, although not at Christmas). This was only very tentative back in April when we broke up, with much still to sort out, but a version of this (obviously minus Ex-DP and children) has firmed up and is still happening for the rest of us. However, people had told DSis that ExDP was still going to this place for Christmas. She questioned this, and people confirmed he had made recent comments about it. She was quietly wondering what was happening as due to the logistics, there is no way he could be going to this place himself or with his children, unless it was with us. She wasn’t sure if he was just pretending and trying to save face among school families he had told, or what, but again considered it not her business to say anything or think more of it, but would wait and see.

She also said his Exwife had spoken to her at pickup one day, and referred to our ‘tiff’ the insinuation very much being that we were still together and just having a moment, or had broken up but were getting back together. She corrected this, but the Exwife didn’t seem to believe her as she seemed to imply things were still being paid for. My sister really didn’t like this, as she now knew from me from April that I didn’t fund school trips or the sport even before the split, but again let it slide as not her fight.

These comments are hard to reconcile with the fact he hadn’t contacted me at all until opportunity presented itself at the sport, and then at the mutual friend’s birthday.

But my sister said even leaving aside that, and the possibility he still has no savings or is in debt by still funding everything, whilst I might consider it hard to meet someone, he has probably equally found it difficult to meet someone to match the lifestyle he had within me or even who, might be willing to do it at a lower level and to absorb most of his expenses so he can spend them on his children. She could understand me being lonely and his good points that might mean I miss him. But that the minimum I should expect before a reconciliation was him on his own 2 feet financially, in his own accomodation and the children more respectful of me/people (she acknowledges that may mean waiting until the teenage years are over, but also thinks they should never have been allowed to behave as they did towards me in the first place. She has been through this years, she has children slightly older than his). She thinks time alone is not a bad thing for me to gain perspective and if I do want to go back, to do so for positive reasons, not because I am lonely and that I think, frankly, I probably won’t find anyone else. Of course, she acknowledges it’s very easy for her to say this when she goes home to BIL and her two lovely children every night.

We then separated and in order to not go home to my lovely, but empty house, I went shopping and spent a fortune on a bunch of stuff I don’t need as well as gifts for my nieces that they do need, but will love, and lots of things for my Mum. And now I’m back home, looking at a million shopping bags and wishing I could trade them all for a kind DP who would make me a cup of tea, ask how coffee with my sister went and admire how good a job the cleaner did this morning. Instead of someone who clearly seems to want the house and the shopping and the cleaner but not me enough to make any special effort for me.

(I’ll add through my self-pitying tears that the cleaner/housekeeper did do an amazing job. She even picked me up my favourite flowers when she got my dry cleaning, as she noticed I hadn’t bought myself any lately and thought I needed cheering up. She is a gem. No wonder ExDP wants to come back!)

*nieces don’t need (not do)

Listen to your sister, who sounds like a font of perceptiveness and kind common sense. As I said up the thread, it sounds as if you’re lonely, which I get, but there are other men out there who aren’t leeches. It’s not a choice between loneliness or getting back with a man who exploited your generosity.

In your shoes I’d be fuming that your ex is hinting to others that you’re still a couple and he and his children are still going on this expensive Christmas holiday. How dare he? Think of that when you waver!

He is clearly living a lie to everybody.
Telling people that he's going on the Christmas trip, for example.

His ex-wife is probably also being lied to, as she seems to think you'll be getting back together.

He hasn't found himself a place to live because he thinks you'll eventually crack and take him back.

He's still profligate with money, and may well be getting into debt.

Do not let this man back into your life. You cannot possibly respect him, knowing all this.

Oh OP, please listen to your lovely sister. Your exDP has clearly been stealthily laying the yellow bricks out for you in the time you’ve been apart, to lead him back to your door and likely in league with his ex-wife who is probably just as desperate as he is to get his feet back under your table.
Please remember how badly this man treated you when you dared to break up with him. You cannot trust a word he says and the fact that he’s been telling people he’s still going away at Christmas to “your” place says he’s very confident that he can reel you back in just in time for he and his kids to have that lovely expensive trip away.
He’s a sponger and his kids are very badly behaved. That’s really all you need to know.

You need to listen to your fab sister!

Tell Mr User that having thought very deeply about things, the only way forward for you would be as more financially separate and equal - as that along with his failure to parent his children effectively and prevent as a result you being abused by them - was the real problem.

So once he has his own home where his children can be based, and once his financial commitments are all settled and arranged, so he’s paying for what he can afford and everyone is living within their real means - once he’s got all that sorted, you know like a proper grown up on a decent salary - then you can start dating again. You can then be more equal partners who live apart permanently and none of these awkward situations should arise again.

Watch him drop the idea quicker than a hot potato and scoot off to find the next woman willing to be his cushion!

I’ve caught up on the responses now, and thank you to everyone who wrote, and especially those who remembered me from 6 months ago.

I’m going to text ExDP, our last contact was by text after the party, so I think this is ok. No need for a phone call or email. I’m going to decline to meet, and wish him well. I think suggesting any kind of conditions that should be met before hand is blurring lines and re-establishing an emotional tie that is best fully severed at this point. I also don’t want to give him any basis for saying to people (including Exwife!) that we are “on a break’ or for him to think there is anyway the holiday is happening for him. (I am v annoyed about that. I’m sure it’s just a face-saving thing he is probably just not correcting, but thankfully we changed the dates slightly from when he knew about it, so even if he did rock up to the airport or the location it would be on the wrong day!)

I’m also going to dial back on social things and attending Dnieces school and sport things, to reduce any chances of contact. This is probably not best advised for a lonely person, so I’ll have to think of something else to do so I’m not just sitting at home. A great pity it’s the winter months.

Thank you everyone for your (emphatic!) advice. I was wavering about it, and wondering if I should compromise, as we were happy before it all went so very wrong. It’s clear it probably wouldn’t have worked out, unless big changes were made at his end first (not afterwards, like he suggested).

The thing that stuck out for me in your Op is that he says that he wants it to go back to how it was before when you didn't live together, etc. But that is an immature way of looking at things as your life (and his life) has changed since then. He sounds like he doesn't live in the real world?

Well done @3LemonsAndLime this is HARD. Please comb through your finances and subscriptions and make sure nothing is going out that shouldn’t be. If necessary, consider changing banks and things. Just protect yourself. These days, the banks handle direct debit switches and the like. I am not so kind as you to give the benefit of the doubt - they don’t want their expensive lifestyle to disappear, more like. Please check everything. ‘Tiff’ indeed 🤔🙄

Well done OP, I know I said earlier you could test the waters, but that was mainly because you seemed very conflicted and not really sure what you wanted to do, so you might have kept wondering "what if" for a while.

You have come back sounding far more sure of yourself.

As previous poster says, check your bank statements.

I do understand it's hard to be alone, I was for a while. Old cliche, but can you get involved in a bit of volunteering or similar to get out and meet different people.

Lovey, the thing that jumps out from your updates, is that you seem to have almost no self-esteem.

You sound like a lovely person. Spend some time investing in YOU. Hobbies, sports, studying....find something that you enjoy and focus on that. Build up that self-esteem, because you are worth so, so much more than what this man has to offer.

Well done, op! Brilliant sister 👏👏👏

WTF is he playing at?!

I'd agree it would be wise to check ALL your bank/credit cards/direct debits, make sure nothing is slipping out.

Your house and your set up sounds lovely. But I think you do sound lonely and dialling back on the social life especially as the nights are about to darken seems the wrong way to go.

You need more people and fun things in your life, not fewer!

Things you might do:

Join an amateur dramatics club. 😊 for getting involved, getting to know people.

Book club, knitting, crafting groups that meet in person for intellectual and creative pursuits

Lodgers - having a couple of nice girl English language students around really helped a friend in a similar situation. Someone to look after, mentor, chat with. (They pay).

Getting away - short breaks with sister and friends, spas, Christmas lights

Having read through your updates on last, and current thread I have ro say good riddance!
Also I'd like to add that his DCs may or may not grow out of their terrible teen behaviour! You can't and shouldn't wait around for them to change. Their parents should be parenting them better. We have all been teens once. Don't know anyone who threw a glass at TV...

Op, you sound so lovely (as does your dsis). XP meanwhile, sounds so manipulative.

You did not disadvantage him in any way when he moved in. You gave him the opportunity to save a massive amount of money by not paying £000s in rent per month. It is entirely on him that he decided to spend it and take for granted that the situation would last forever. There is absolutely no reason that you should have, essentially, paid him off just because you chose to end the relationship.

I am so relieved that you have decided to tell him no to meeting. I think him telling people that he is still going away at Christmas is very sinister! He clearly thinks he can talk you round and it's only a matter of time before you learn your place and normal service resumes with him (the dcs!) back in your house. I'm sure if you think back there will be times that he has manipulated you before into doing something you didn't want to do.

I would consider blocking him now to ensure that he cannot contact you anymore. Maybe check with hosts before accepting invites so you know whether he has been invited too and decline if he has.

You are doing so well op and I wish you all the best. You really do deserve to be with someone who has your back, not just their own.