Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I return to relationship with Ex-DP?

188 replies

3LemonsAndLime · 26/10/2024 08:26

I am (nervously!) back for more advice. Last time posting about this issue was a bit challenging, but there was some very helpful perspectives and advice among the responses, so I am returning for further advice.

My first thread is here, for background: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

Since then, things have moved on a bit. Ex-DP’s ex-wife asked to have the bedroom furniture from the children’s rooms at my house, I assumed to upgrade the furniture at her home or to go to Ex-DP’s new place or storage, depending on his ultimate plans. I agreed and she came to collect it. It turns out she wanted it to sell, with the money going to fund the trip one of their children was going on. I felt a bit funny on hearing that news, but ultimately I wanted the furniture gone and realise with that comes not having a say in how the next person chooses to use it.

I also ended up writing a goodbye card to each of the children with a generous gift voucher in each - one for books (as we shared a love of reading and used to go to bookstores and the library together) and the other for lessons/paraphernalia in the sport they do. I told ex-DP I was going to do this, and gave them to ex-DP’s ex-wife when she came to collect the furniture.

Recently (so about 4 months after all this), I was watching my nieces play sport for their school team with my sister and ex-DP was there watching one DC also play (different teams, different ages, they don’t usually play at the same time, this was an unusual schedule change). We had a mutual sideline, so he came over and spoke to us and we watch the games side by side. At the conclusion of the game his DC came over, said hello and were happy to see me. This was brief, as we all needed to leave and clear the field for the next set of games.

Since then, I ran into Ex-DP again at a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, and we chatted. He asked me about resuming the relationship, or to start again by dating and seeing how things go. He says it could be like the first 2 years, where we didn’t live together and the children didn’t live here, but we dated, spent nights at each others homes, and had weekend and holidays away. His contact with the children would be during his own time, and he says we could look long term at re-introducing things, if we both wanted too, but the important thing would be to focus on us right now and not throw away that, due to some difficult teenage years. He asked to meet for coffee this week to discuss it further.

I’m unsure whether to meet again or what to do. Turning it over in my mind, the idea has some merit. I miss him, and our relationship. It is not easy to find someone you get on with so well, and who can support themselves (yes, I do earn a considerable amount more than him, but he still earns well above a average). However it’s not lost on me that he has not found his own accommodation and is still living with his parents. So I feel like this means whilst any dates or meals or activities ‘out’ would be out and about, any time ‘at home’ (dinners, nights in, weekends etc) would be spent at my home, not his. We have too much history to spend months in the activities ‘out’ dating stage for long, it feels like he would effectively be stealthily moving back in, albeit, spending time back at his parents with the children or when needed.

He absolutely denies this, and says it would be dating, weekends away and only moving at a pace we are both comfortable with. He said he wants to listen to me, and work through it, as we should have done originally.

I’m not sure what to think. I miss him. But the end was so unpleasant, and I’m not sure if he means it, or if this is just softening me up? Or even if what he is suggesting would work or be fair to him and the children.

I’d appreciate thoughts, as I can’t view this very objectively right now.

AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children? | Mumsnet

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relati...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 26/10/2024 17:12

But some people also pointed out if genders were reversed it would be seen as very unfair and in doing so he wasn’t building an asset and that I was being unfair to him

I disagree with it being unfair: DH moved in with me and I owned the house, paid for the furniture etc, whilst he saved - he looked at buying a separate property and he could afford it not paying rent.

We decided to buy jointly - half each -

You freeing up his salary does not mean you are being unfair in the slightest.

I think he recognizes his poor behaviour and I’m glad that you do too.

Honestly, there’s plenty of wonderful men out there - he’ll turn up when you are least expecting it.

cwcanfo · 26/10/2024 17:25

Fuck no, OP.
I remember the last thread - just had a look at it to refresh my memory.
He and his ex were taking the fucking piss, living at your expense. He only had the extra disposable income because he was basically cocklodging at yours.

The financial difference between the two of you is far too big and leaves you open to being used.

Send the text, wish him well, but make it clear there will be no relationship with him.

And then you can get on with your life and perhaps meet someone who isn't going to take the piss like that.

MidnightBlossom · 26/10/2024 17:34

Just to add - your sister sounds like a diamond. Listen to her - she knows you and has your best interests at heart.

Nettleteaser101 · 26/10/2024 17:48

Please dont go back. If you had found someone else im sure you wouldnt dream of doing so.
Why do you feel guilty the whole family had taken the p out of you and you still carry some blame.
I think you really need to see someone to put you on the straight and narrow.
He is a loser user. He still.lives with his parents and hasnt bothered to find a home. You will end up at square one and to be honest if you take him back you will deserve all the crap he and his lovely! Family lay at your door. Dont be a fool.

OnGoldenPond · 26/10/2024 17:51

3LemonsAndLime · 26/10/2024 10:44

Yes, I know I am lonely. I wouldn’t admit that to friends or family, but I suppose that’s the benefit being able to be more honest anonymously on Mumsnet.

But I am very comfortable with my own company and have a large group of friends and family to do things with. But I miss getting into the car with Ex-DP after a dinner or night out and talking about what we’ve just seen or the food we’ve eaten or people talked too. I miss having someone beside you at those things, when everyone else is partnered up and it is obvious you aren’t. And I miss coming home from work and smelling a lovely dinner already cooking after a long day, or sitting on the couch in comfortable silence watching tv or reading books. Instead of a cold, dark house. I love flowers, and he learnt my favourites and would buy me some every week.

The threads have all been about the children and the end and the money, but Ex-DP really was a kind, funny man, who saw how hard I worked and did little things to make it easier. He got on with my family and friends, and we had similar hobbies and enjoyed doing similar things.

I’m just trying to weigh that up vs the way things ended and whether his behaviour with the money at the end was in part due to me (unintentionally) putting him in a precarious financial position. Some posters on the last thread had that view (I accept it was a minority) and if genders were reversed, it may have been more. I can’t fault anyone for wanting the best for their kids and spending accordingly. My own DSis does, and I try to spoil my DNieces and DNephews too.

Put the heating and lights on a timer, then buy a slow cooker. So no more coming back to a cold, dark house and a cooked meal waiting for you.

That's all the good bits of him replaced without having to take on all the many, many bad bits. Job done.

OnGoldenPond · 26/10/2024 18:13

3LemonsAndLime · 26/10/2024 14:36

I’m back from coffee with my sister. I’ve only glanced at the comments (I will have a good read once this is posted), but I can see a few of you want to shake sense into me. Don’t worry, my sister has done so, in her very careful way.

As always, my sister was very kind, and perceptive. She had thought I might be lonely, but reminded me it’s ’better to be alone, than badly accompanied’. Of course, ExDP wasn’t bad company, it’s just the issue of the children’s behaviour and then secondly, did I feel financially used, considering the aftermath.

She also said she had thought this might be coming, as ExDP had made a point of coming and talking to her or DBIL whenever they ran into each other at school pickups/drop offs or events, which she found a bit awkward. She also noticed that spending still seemed to be happening at a great rate. One child still went on the Italy trip, the other is still paying the expensive sport and still having tutoring in another subject (I realised I previously paid for this, not sure how as I wouldn’t usually…..I think the bill was due when ExDP was away for work, so I just paid the term’s fees?) She hadn’t said anything to anyone, as like last time they could be funding it via many ways (new job, grandparents, credit etc) and that she considers the whole thing not her business.

She also brought up that earlier this year we had talked about spending 3 weeks of Christmas somewhere nice. I was paying for the accomodation for us all and then flights for ExDP, his children and my parents as a gift (or really, I am more tech savvy and would book their stuff with mine and just pay for them). My sister and her family would pay their flights. It’s also expensive activities etc once there and we’d all be paying for our own and I know my sister would shout me dinners or do more in relation to sorting plans out there etc out there as a thank you for the accomodation. We’ve done similar before (and with ExDP and children, although not at Christmas). This was only very tentative back in April when we broke up, with much still to sort out, but a version of this (obviously minus Ex-DP and children) has firmed up and is still happening for the rest of us. However, people had told DSis that ExDP was still going to this place for Christmas. She questioned this, and people confirmed he had made recent comments about it. She was quietly wondering what was happening as due to the logistics, there is no way he could be going to this place himself or with his children, unless it was with us. She wasn’t sure if he was just pretending and trying to save face among school families he had told, or what, but again considered it not her business to say anything or think more of it, but would wait and see.

She also said his Exwife had spoken to her at pickup one day, and referred to our ‘tiff’ the insinuation very much being that we were still together and just having a moment, or had broken up but were getting back together. She corrected this, but the Exwife didn’t seem to believe her as she seemed to imply things were still being paid for. My sister really didn’t like this, as she now knew from me from April that I didn’t fund school trips or the sport even before the split, but again let it slide as not her fight.

These comments are hard to reconcile with the fact he hadn’t contacted me at all until opportunity presented itself at the sport, and then at the mutual friend’s birthday.

But my sister said even leaving aside that, and the possibility he still has no savings or is in debt by still funding everything, whilst I might consider it hard to meet someone, he has probably equally found it difficult to meet someone to match the lifestyle he had within me or even who, might be willing to do it at a lower level and to absorb most of his expenses so he can spend them on his children. She could understand me being lonely and his good points that might mean I miss him. But that the minimum I should expect before a reconciliation was him on his own 2 feet financially, in his own accomodation and the children more respectful of me/people (she acknowledges that may mean waiting until the teenage years are over, but also thinks they should never have been allowed to behave as they did towards me in the first place. She has been through this years, she has children slightly older than his). She thinks time alone is not a bad thing for me to gain perspective and if I do want to go back, to do so for positive reasons, not because I am lonely and that I think, frankly, I probably won’t find anyone else. Of course, she acknowledges it’s very easy for her to say this when she goes home to BIL and her two lovely children every night.

We then separated and in order to not go home to my lovely, but empty house, I went shopping and spent a fortune on a bunch of stuff I don’t need as well as gifts for my nieces that they do need, but will love, and lots of things for my Mum. And now I’m back home, looking at a million shopping bags and wishing I could trade them all for a kind DP who would make me a cup of tea, ask how coffee with my sister went and admire how good a job the cleaner did this morning. Instead of someone who clearly seems to want the house and the shopping and the cleaner but not me enough to make any special effort for me.

(I’ll add through my self-pitying tears that the cleaner/housekeeper did do an amazing job. She even picked me up my favourite flowers when she got my dry cleaning, as she noticed I hadn’t bought myself any lately and thought I needed cheering up. She is a gem. No wonder ExDP wants to come back!)

Your cleaner treats you with more kindness and consideration than he ever did. Think about that.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2024 18:38

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

"No-one is faster to fall in love than a man without a home"

When you were splitting up, he had no real care for you, only him and his children, and even his ex. OF COURSE he will pretend to care for you now, cos he misses your money. Not you, your money.

Do you not see what a door mat you are being? Thinking you should have given him money etc? Are you really so lacking in self respect?

I'm losing my shit at the thought of this, and I'm not related to you, I just remeber your last thread. I'm hoping your sister will feel even more strongly about this.

Paying for an 'escort' would be preferable to this chancer.

RandomMess · 26/10/2024 18:55
Flowers

I remember your last thread.

You have made the right choice. Don't stop watching your DN or socialising, if he approaches you again perhaps you need to say something direct to his face?

After a while on your own get back out there and "date" or find something sociable to do.

BoundaryLine · 26/10/2024 19:07

You and your sister ROCK!

you're quite a formidable team.

I know I shouldn't, because you're a total stranger on the internet, but I breathed a sigh of relief after you saw your sister. I think it's because I see myself in you/your situation.

You're clearly a lovely person OP, and quite frankly how you're single beggars belief, but I do hope you will come back and tell us when you meet someone who treats you the way a person should. I for one, would love to know.

I don't know how old you are but I think it's harder to be single in your 30's and 40's. When you get to 50's and 60's it feels quite a lot different. Loneliness doesn't bite so hard. I know I am generalising here, but it's more that most single people later on have 'been there and done that' and don't feel the need to rush in anymore.

I used to be just like you. But now I am middle aged, I've changed. I love being single. Don't get me wrong; I miss being wined and dined, and a strong man to do things in the garden that my failing strength does not allow, but overall I am the happiest I’ve ever been, even though I am poor. If you told the 20 or 30 year old me that I'd feel like this, I would not have believed you.

I wish you so much deserved happiness. One day you will look back on this and be glad you kept your line in the sand.

OMGsamesame · 26/10/2024 20:43

I think you should divide a piece of paper into 3 columns.

  1. stuff you don't at all miss about him/better without him

  2. stuff you miss that is about having a boyfriend/flatmate/partner/friend. Note which of these things can be satisfied by someone else /multipleother people (connection, laughter, companionship, physical touch, etc)

3)stuff you miss about him specifically

I bet list 3 is pretty short

Fourfurrymonsters · 26/10/2024 21:09

Ohnobackagain · 26/10/2024 16:03

Well done @3LemonsAndLime this is HARD. Please comb through your finances and subscriptions and make sure nothing is going out that shouldn’t be. If necessary, consider changing banks and things. Just protect yourself. These days, the banks handle direct debit switches and the like. I am not so kind as you to give the benefit of the doubt - they don’t want their expensive lifestyle to disappear, more like. Please check everything. ‘Tiff’ indeed 🤔🙄

This is VERY sage advice OP.

Aria999 · 26/10/2024 21:49

Well done OP and hurrah for your lovely sister!

The ex wife has a lot of opinions about your personal affairs, doesn't she?!

BoundaryLine · 27/10/2024 01:50

"I’m just trying to weigh that up vs the way things ended and whether his behaviour with the money at the end was in part due to me (unintentionally) putting him in a precarious financial position."

No, it wasn't. You didn't. he put HIMSELF into a precarious financial position by freeloading off you and not saving himself a rainy day fund.

HTH.

Startinganew32 · 27/10/2024 06:31

Well I think that seals it doesn’t it? What an awful grabby man. Obviously he had a plan that he’d try to win you back so that he could still go on the Christmas holiday. What a total joker. I still can’t get over that his children smashed up your house and you had to pay for the tv and window to be replaced. Completely disgusting.

I think you should tell him that it’s now become apparent to you that he never really loved you and only loved the lifestyle and that you are worth more. Then block him and avoid him at any mutual events. And if the ex wife talks about the “tiff”, your sister should laugh and say “I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick - she’s dating someone else now” and then walk off. In fact she should drop you dating someone else to him too because otherwise this thicko won’t get the message.

But I seriously can’t get over how utterly stupid he is. All he had to do was to treat you with respect and make sure his kids did too, as you were prepared to be with him despite being out of his league. But he couldn’t even manage that.

Guavafish1 · 27/10/2024 07:43

I personally don’t think it will work out…. He hasn’t changed and I suspect he has also returned due to financial incentives.

it seem also you have unfinished business… I suppose the only way to complete it is actually giving it another chance.

i would have a strong threshold for pulling out is his behaviour doesn’t change.

Also know… I have been through the teen years with my step children and they never disrespected me or the ex-wife got involved. He is using it as an excuse for poor parenting and a lack of respect to you.

Igmum · 27/10/2024 08:01

Well done @3LemonsAndLime he is an absolute CF. There is someone much nicer out there for you. I hope your holiday is fabulous and totally free of CFs.

NewDogOwner · 27/10/2024 08:48

3LemonsAndLime · 26/10/2024 08:26

I am (nervously!) back for more advice. Last time posting about this issue was a bit challenging, but there was some very helpful perspectives and advice among the responses, so I am returning for further advice.

My first thread is here, for background: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

Since then, things have moved on a bit. Ex-DP’s ex-wife asked to have the bedroom furniture from the children’s rooms at my house, I assumed to upgrade the furniture at her home or to go to Ex-DP’s new place or storage, depending on his ultimate plans. I agreed and she came to collect it. It turns out she wanted it to sell, with the money going to fund the trip one of their children was going on. I felt a bit funny on hearing that news, but ultimately I wanted the furniture gone and realise with that comes not having a say in how the next person chooses to use it.

I also ended up writing a goodbye card to each of the children with a generous gift voucher in each - one for books (as we shared a love of reading and used to go to bookstores and the library together) and the other for lessons/paraphernalia in the sport they do. I told ex-DP I was going to do this, and gave them to ex-DP’s ex-wife when she came to collect the furniture.

Recently (so about 4 months after all this), I was watching my nieces play sport for their school team with my sister and ex-DP was there watching one DC also play (different teams, different ages, they don’t usually play at the same time, this was an unusual schedule change). We had a mutual sideline, so he came over and spoke to us and we watch the games side by side. At the conclusion of the game his DC came over, said hello and were happy to see me. This was brief, as we all needed to leave and clear the field for the next set of games.

Since then, I ran into Ex-DP again at a mutual friend’s birthday drinks, and we chatted. He asked me about resuming the relationship, or to start again by dating and seeing how things go. He says it could be like the first 2 years, where we didn’t live together and the children didn’t live here, but we dated, spent nights at each others homes, and had weekend and holidays away. His contact with the children would be during his own time, and he says we could look long term at re-introducing things, if we both wanted too, but the important thing would be to focus on us right now and not throw away that, due to some difficult teenage years. He asked to meet for coffee this week to discuss it further.

I’m unsure whether to meet again or what to do. Turning it over in my mind, the idea has some merit. I miss him, and our relationship. It is not easy to find someone you get on with so well, and who can support themselves (yes, I do earn a considerable amount more than him, but he still earns well above a average). However it’s not lost on me that he has not found his own accommodation and is still living with his parents. So I feel like this means whilst any dates or meals or activities ‘out’ would be out and about, any time ‘at home’ (dinners, nights in, weekends etc) would be spent at my home, not his. We have too much history to spend months in the activities ‘out’ dating stage for long, it feels like he would effectively be stealthily moving back in, albeit, spending time back at his parents with the children or when needed.

He absolutely denies this, and says it would be dating, weekends away and only moving at a pace we are both comfortable with. He said he wants to listen to me, and work through it, as we should have done originally.

I’m not sure what to think. I miss him. But the end was so unpleasant, and I’m not sure if he means it, or if this is just softening me up? Or even if what he is suggesting would work or be fair to him and the children.

I’d appreciate thoughts, as I can’t view this very objectively right now.

No-one falls in (back) in love quicker than a man with kids who needs a house.

Londonrach1 · 27/10/2024 09:45

Op...you amazing as you are thinking and talking and listening to everyone. I'm so pleased you saw your sister. She sounds as amazing as you. I'd join various groups you find interesting...you never know whom you might need...getting or borrowing a dog and going for walks is a good way too. Good luck. You sound in the right place and have rebuilt the damage 'he' did to you.

Run4it2 · 27/10/2024 09:55

You bound lovely - and I think you're right not to give him another chance. You broke up for a reason, and nothing has changed. He needs you more than you need him. Find a way of meeting people - do some volunteering, or join a walking group. If there's social stuff at work go join in with it. Be strong xx

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2024 10:24

His kids smashed your TV and window and YOU paid to replace them?😮

What kind of man would allow that? Any decent man would have been falling over themselves to apologise and replace them themselves especially given that they've saved thousands and thousands by living in your house.

If you ever waver just remember that.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/10/2024 10:27

Cynical of me but I don't believe he met you by chance, I bet he planned that, it's getting close to Christmas and he has to make his lies a reality. He lived off you, now he's living off his parents or running up massive debts, either way it's his fault for living beyond his means.
Your wise sister has it right, better no man than a user. Don't let him harass you Op, text him then block him

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 10:45

@NewDogOwner there was no need to quote the whole of the OP.

Fabbygranny · 27/10/2024 12:29

Wise words as expected from your lovely sister, OP. Oh my oh my what an update! Tiff indeed - deluded ex wife. Oh love, you are well rid of him, I'm so sorry you feel lonely, but with the benefit of this update I agree with everyone, there is no way back for you. You sound so lovely, and kind and generous and I am outraged at the way his kids treated you and your home, and the way that he minimised their behaviour. The whole family seem to have conspired in manipulating you and treating you badly and I am very very angry on your behalf, we all are.

Please don't scale back your outings, quite the opposite - get out there. Let other people discover your loveliness and welcome them into your life. You've done it with us, now get out there and do it in real life. Then come back and tell us so we can all cheer

LePetitMaman · 27/10/2024 19:00

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2024 10:24

His kids smashed your TV and window and YOU paid to replace them?😮

What kind of man would allow that? Any decent man would have been falling over themselves to apologise and replace them themselves especially given that they've saved thousands and thousands by living in your house.

If you ever waver just remember that.

Wtf.

I've missed this. Is this actually correct?

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 19:35

LePetitMaman · 27/10/2024 19:00

Wtf.

I've missed this. Is this actually correct?

Show quote history

This was mentioned earlier on in the thread, yes.