Friend doesn't want to go out after dark on holiday

[curtainp0le]

I am going on holiday for 3 nights with 2 friends to a popular city in Spain in a couple of weeks. One friend, let's call her Susan, is keen to go to a bar or a club one evening. We are mid/late 20s but none of us are major clubbers or party people. I don't drink at all. The other friend, Elaine, is reluctant to go to a bar. She is scared to 'be out too late in a place I don't know. Scary stories in the news have made me extra cautious'.
I said that we will stick together, but even at that she is worried about walking back late to our hotel as we are 'still a group of girls'. I said there will be night buses and trams. I also pointed out that in Spain they eat dinner late and it will get dark about 7pm, so by necessity we will probably have to be out after dark if we want to have anything to eat. At this, Elaine said we will need to get a phone number for a taxi.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this attitude? I totally understand, in light of recent events, why she is concerned. I don't want to cause drama. But I also feel we need to be realistic that statistically anything like that is extremely unlikely. I don't want to feel restricted on the basis of Elaine's fears. I don't want to sit in the hotel from 7pm onwards. It's my holiday too! And Susan genuinely wants to go to a bar. How would you manage this?

😂

And most women, I believe it is nearly 97% of the cases, already know the person who killed them. usually a lover, ex, male family member.

so 3% of murders are done by strangers.

She's pretty safe.

gosh this is hard. she needs to look at some statistics.... I think she might be more likely to die from carbon monoxide poisoning (I'm guessing) in the hotel. obviously don't chose that one. maybe that she's more likely to get run over by a bus whilst sightseeing? Honestly you need to leave her with her own worries and not let them affect you. I'm not sure why she's even coming if she is so anxious?

Unless the hotel offers a dinner option what is she going to do about an evening meal? Eat a sandwich in the room?

You're not all going to get blind drunk, go off with random men or walk home alone! As long as you're all sensible and always make sure you're together when out, then what does she think is going to happen?! Take the same precautions as you would, here in the UK (or wherever you live). I'm sorry but I couldn't be doing with someone else's paranoia. Don't indulge her behaviour either. She comes out with you both, after dark or she stays in the hotel on her own in the evenings.

hehe your reply made me chuckle. Good ole mumsnet cardinal sins, like quoting the whole OP in the first page ;-) You are forgiven ;-)

Very mixed feelings about this thread. On one hand, no of course it's not reasonable for this one person's fears to keep the others from doing what they want on holiday. And I personally can't relate to the levels of caution and fear OP's friend is displaying, and yes on the surface of things it would seem she's letting her fears rule her and potentially derail the holiday, which of course is not fair on the others.

But on the other hand... bloody hell, some of the Mean Girls-style sneering/laughing and lack of empathy/sympathy about anxiety on this thread is disgusting. Must be nice for certain pps to be so perfect that they can sit and laugh/sneer about other people's struggles. 😒

Personally I have every sympathy for people suffering from anxiety disorders, the issue arises when they try and control other people’s behaviour with it. Fine to not want to go out, absolutely not fine for her to suggest the others shouldn’t go out.

Personally I have every sympathy for people suffering from anxiety disorders, the issue arises when they try and control other people’s behaviour with it. Fine to not want to go out, absolutely not fine for her to suggest the others shouldn’t go out.

I agree @WiserOlderElf

Phew! I thought I might have to shuffle away and never come back 😅

This. And it needs to be communicated before your holiday. Otherwise, I see trouble ahead

Leave Elaine in the hotel

There are strong anti-tourist demos in Spain. Perhaps this is what she means.

Im going to offer an alternative perspective - it may be that she is just experiencing anxiety at going to an unfamiliar place. Speak to her about it. Try and reassure her. Maybe she would feel better if she got a personal alarm. Once she is there and sees that it is safe she may well feel more relaxed about being out. Reassure her that if she needs to jump in a taxi to get back to the hotel earlier than the rest of you she is free to do this and that you can accomodate around her in this way. It would be a bit strange of her to expect everyone to be indoors by 6pm so I expect it is just uncertainty fuelling her response. Enjoy your trip ! x

I have travelled extensively alone and with partners (but would go off on my own).
Apart from general sense like not getting paralytic, wearing headphones etc my general rule of thumb was what do local women do? If they are out and about at night walking alone or in groups so am I.
So Seville in February this year plenty of locals walking home at night fine. Florence lots of women and children about at night. Marrakech (admittedly a while ago) no. Only time my ex volunteered to go shopping with me 😆

There are three of you, you'll be fine.

Download the uber app and get uber lined up for the ride home. Also download Google translate so you can ask at a club if uber fails.

Stay alert as you'd do in the uk. Don't go down unlit paths, wear a money belt with important stuff in, leave your handbag for easily replaceable things. Stay together, if it's a late night organise an uber.

If your friend really won't budge on this go out to a club without her.

Amen to these ladies! The way news is reported all over the TV and internet now means that everyone knows everything and the risk is vastly overinflated. These things have always happened. Men have always beat, raped and murdered women but it's usually someone they know that does it. It's what they seem to do best.

Elaine does need some help though. As others have suggested she definitely needs some talking therapy/CBT to help her see that the actual risk is lower than the expected risk and that it is unhealthy to obsess over these things. It's ok to be angry about them but it's not ok to hide inside after dark your whole life.
I hope you come to a suitable arrangement and I hope Elaine relaxes a bit once you get there.

Couldn't be arsed with that attitude. Leave her to do her own thing and don’t sacrifice any part of your holiday.

There was a single elderly man sitting in a square in Barcelona with a placard saying "tourists go home" last week.

Good on him for having the courage of his convictions, but the demos seem to be over for now.

I would leave her behind.

In England, preferably. 😂

if you’re not from England, still leave her there.

I had a friend like this (had!). She once came to walk my dog with me in a popular walking area and she clutched a hairbrush from her bag the whole time in case something happened. Never asked her again surprisingly. Very strange way to live imo.

Barcelona? Some old school friends emigrated there and my and partner have been several times . It feels safe to me.
Even Las Ramblas, alone as a 30 year old woman early evening, not a bit of trouble. Ditto Madrid, no problems at all.
Just got back from Salou and my daughter and other kids were out playing until 10pm at night (hotel and surrounding restaurants) . Totally normal, they do things later in Spain.

It all sounds very tame and dare I say a little boring. Live a little. You're young and on holiday.
If your friend doesn't like it (politely) leave her in the hotel.

I live in Spain. It's far safer than the UK and I have no idea what recent events you are talking about . Just say we are going out we are on holiday. Nowhere starts serving dinner until at least 8pm usually 8.30.
If she doesntvwant to she can stay in the hotel.
It sounds like she has really bad anxiety. You cant be expected to not enjoy your holiday because of this

Whereabouts do you live @Maddy70 ? (Just being nosy and wondering if it's somewhere I've been or somewhere on my 'list'! )