Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

You are very lucky then because it was a very complicated choice for our dds in our rural area and not straightforward at all. Just bc it’s straightforward in your case doesn’t mean it is for everyone.

Whilst as a single parent I identify with a lot of what you say, if I were your wife I would wonder whether you were attempting to sabotage my career in a somewhat passive jealous way.

If you don’t have a catchment school, at either point, there’s quite a lot to think about. And the worry that you might make the wrong decision and your child be unhappy is a responsibility that it’s not nice to feel wholly responsible for.

So let me get this right...you (the husband) were away for work a lot and wife took on everything, and you complained because the housework slipped?

Wife is saying the mental load was too much, but you're saying it's not that bad?
Or you were saying the mental load was too much and wife was saying its not that bad?

Yep I'm still not clear on this last question either. Who really felt the strain of the mental load and who didn't think it was that bad?

I agree a good part of the mental load is self- inflicted, when you do not have ill or SEN children. So, we can ease it at times, when it gets too much.
But it sounds like you are not aimimg to be organised and just adjust when needed, but that you are, indeed, too laxed.
Happy place is in the middle.

Exactly. Is it actually swapped - as in the husband was taking on the whole mental load and working and cleaning etc, then he went away and the wife tried to do his role but couldn't do it to the standard he was and things slipped by husbands standards, but she found the mental load easy.

Or was the wife already bearing the full mental load (that the husband still doesn't understand) and when he went away she couldn't keep up with his cleaning standards, and he complained because he couldn't see or understand all the invisible shit that she's doing.

If it's just the cleaning that's slipped, hire a cleaner.

This is one of the main reasons I have been a single parent for years...... I woke up and decided if I feel like a single parent I mayaswell be a single parent.

So I now have all of the mental and emotional load...... minus any resentment.

Wasn't the only reason myself and my children's dad separated but was definitely a big part of it. And actually lessened the mental load as I got my routine on point instead of relying on someone else who 'should' be sharing this load

So be careful if your wife has the same attitude as me..... she mat not be your wife for much longer 🤷‍♀️

We weren't being harsh on her.

We were being harsh on the jerk who didn't manage to get all the jobs done whilst his wife worked away, but then announced to the whole of Mumsnet that the mental load was exaggerated.

Now, you're the jerk who didn't even carry the mental load at all, criticised your wife for not doing the job you weren't around to do, and still announced to the whole of Mumsnet that the mental load was exaggerated.

If she's sitting around being "lax" as you put it and then telling you that it's easy, but only doing half the job, then we're being harsh on her.

I don't get this.

Who is the one who is saying the mental load is easy/there is no mental load? You or your wife?

Funny. Very funny. Choosing a secondary school takes 5 mins online. There are no repurcussions, it makes no difference which random school you put down, just pick the first one in the alphabet! No one cares about what suits their children, or what they prefer. All children are the same. Don’t even worry about it.

Yes, that was my point, it was an innocent, simple question. However, when EVERY question, EVERY decision falls to you, and your partner does fuck all brain work, that innocent question is enough to tip you over the edge.

The point here is that making a choice is not inherently complex; it may be complicated or difficult and can have a significant impact, but it is a task that most people can accomplish. For example, choosing a school is something that can be managed. In contrast, a complex task would be preparing for your first observation as a teacher and meeting new students, which involves multiple layers of difficulty.

A few of us are suggesting that if women and men can successfully balance work and school applications as single parents, then why should choosing a school be considered a complex activity for an adult whose sole focus is parenting and not also working?

You know i think im on tbe wrong thread, is this the one who wanted to be paid to be at home with no kidd becaise she feels she carrys the mental load of appointmemts?

I was responding to the statement that it was literally just submitting an online form.

it’s like saying meeting new students is just learning their names and saying hello.

No it isn't. Read the OP. 🙄

Haven't read all the replies, sorry. Just in answer to the original question, I just think we all deal with things differently. My husband is a confident extroverted "man's man" whilst I am a worrier in life, pretty introverted with a history of quite high anxiety.

Nothing bothers my husband and he doesn't overthink anything. If he sends a card, he sends one, if he doesn't,
It doesn't matter. If he can get to x, y and z, he will, if he doesn't the world won't stop. If he doesn't have sweets for Halloween, well then the kids that knock ,go without. If we get the poor seats at the panto last minute because he didn't book them in March, well then we'll still the enjoy the atmosphere.

I am the complete opposite. When my kids were small and we were full on "in the trenches " trying to navigate work, careers, parents, grandparents, small kids, school age kids, school commitments...well I had lists coming out my ears. I wanted my kids to do everything and have everything and experience everything and I wasn't going to let them miss out on anything so really I ran myself into the ground. New tops for the school disco, playdates, granny's birthday bash, Halloween parties, christmas carols, christmas eve panto, valentines dinner.. the list was endless. Don't get me wrong, looking back at it, I'm pleased I did it. My adult children look back at with great memories. But could I have chilled out a bit more? Probably.

Back then it wasn't really called the mental load. I'm 50 plus years old. It's was just called "having a lot on your plate" and your mum and grandma might give you a bit of sympathy with "ah a women's work is never done " and carry on polishing their doorstep.

I think there is a lot more pressure on families now to do everything, have everything, attend everything.....(yes my kids had it all too...but I think it was more my own pressure of my own childhood not having those things) but I think marriages work more in partnership these days. I see my adult son stepping up at lot more or their partners picking them up more.

I think you were very casual on your approach, that suited you and your kids were fine with it...whilst it didn't suit your wife now or even at the time. It just "different strokes" in ways of doing things

@Rainbowdottie I am your husband!! ( not actually of course ) women put a lot of these pressures on ourselves