Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Is there ever a thread about the wife having lower standards? Why do so many men have lower standards? Multiple threads a week from mums on here

@whatnow123 make sure you tell your wife what an idiot you think she is for stressing about cleaning. I think that will help her realise what she should be doing.

No no no. Mental load is not bedtime, bathtime and laundry. It's:

Mum and dad's anniversary is next week, must get a card. And stamps. Do we have stamps? I must tidy out that junk drawer or I'd know if we had stamps. Email from school, must fill in form for flu jab. Oh and take in joggers for PE as it's winter half term now. Shorts will be too cold. We need toilet roll. DS's steroid inhaler is running low. I'll order another but when can I collect from the pharmacy? Actually he might need another Ventolin, I'll check the expiry date. Now I think of it the one at school might have expired too, must check. I'll email them now. Oh god, tax return reminder and one for the boiler service. We could do next Saturday for the boiler - hang on, I think DD has a birthday party...

I would have had more "mental load" coming home to your way of doing things! Doesn't sound like your wife was that happy if the holiday caused "an almighty row". Instead of asking us to validate your account of things, what matters is how your wife feels and how you two work together.

I agree. I know of a couple of couples (!) who have swapped roles and it’s been fine. Actually it’s been really good for the woman to realise that the man is better at doing it than she is and she can then focus on work.

I would speak to your partner about it. Ultimately I know of several people who moan about ‘he/she doesn’t do this/that/the other THE RIGHT WAY, but actually that means ‘MY WAY’. Yeah. I’m not going to stack the dishwasher/do the washing your way, that’s micromanagement, either it’s ok or it’s not.

This whole pile on seems to not recognise the fact that there’s a hundred threads on here about the fact that man comes home from work and moans that house is not up to ‘his standard’. Then it’s LTB, here it’s that he’s being unreasonable? I don’t think so

For a start, your way of doing things would be unaffordable for me.

I kind of agree that some people underprioritise their own wellbeing in the pursuit of some unobtainable perfection. However, I'm absolutely drowning just keeping my head above the water, and I'm promise I'm closer to going under than I am to perfection!

Were you really doing everything? Or were you on more like a 60:40 split? Like, did you really:

sort all the school dinners, all the school consent forms and payments, charity days/events, trips, parents evenings etc etc?

Did you organise all childcare?

Were you solely responsible for all clean (and fitting!) uniform/shoes/kit?

Were you responsible for planning, buying and cooking all the food?

Did you facilitate all hobbies/activities/play dates?

Did you coordinate all days out and family visits?

Did you take responsibility for your children's academic progress and social and emotional wellbeing (like, lie awake at night wondering what you could do better tomorrow)?

These are the sort of things that add together to overwhelm me.

My thought was exactly this – I bet the wife is still doing a lot and picking up the slack elsewhere.

No. I do as little cleaning as possible, wash clothes if they're smelly, bedtime's around 10 pm, chips/pizza/takeaway at least once a week, and the mental load is still exhausting because the mental load is about organising, anticipating, preparing ahead e.g. homework, playdates, shopping, medical appointments, birthdays, etc. and when these clash, who needs/wants what, coordinating when to get things done (e.g. I can't get to the shops when there's no one to watch DC, i.e. most of the time).

The things you mention are the simple basics, not the mental load!

I would say laundry, bed times, takeaways… that’s not really the mental load. I think if you were getting the dentist appointments, orthodontist appointments, doctor appointments, making sure the kids were eating 5 a day, checking reading, thinking about which clubs or sports would suit them, keeping an eye on their weight and fitness, checking their shoes fit, getting hair cuts done, making sure they know how to tie shoe laces, call an ambulance, be a good friend, not get groomed on line or talk to strangers, but also talk to adults politely etc etc, that’s probably more the mental load. If you’re ticking all that off then you’re more in the ball park.
I don’t think a bit of laundry and tidying is it.

Why is the assumption that people who don't do it one way are somehow dirty or lazy? That used to make me angry - other women trying to make those of us, (often with jobs, on our own, caring, single parent or with DH's who worked long hours or away, etc etc), make us feel bad > The premise seems to be that if you are NOT creating a huge mental load and obsessed with routine and tidiness you are somehow not a Proper Woman.

Exactly. A vast amount of the mental load is the social and emotional wellbeing, the long term health and the long term academic outcomes.

A lot of the tasks you mention are not representative of the mental load – feeding your kids, bathing them and putting them to bed is really the bare minimum required to keep them alive, and it sounds like your standards here are not what your wife expects.

If this is all you can think of, then it suggests to me that your wife is still doing a lot and you haven’t really scratched the surface.

My observations:

1. On reading the thread title I had a private bet that you were a man.
2. It doesn’t sound like you actually took on the mental load at all but here you are all self congratulatory for fixing this pesky mental load twaddle that women make up

You are right, it comes from the pressure we put on ourselves whereas you didn’t bother 😂

If I had actually tried to keep my wife's standards I would have been stressed....in a slightly cleaner house.

If keeping it to your wife’s standards would have required a level of extra effort that stressed you out, it would realistically have had to result in a much cleaner house. You can’t have it both ways.

I think you can actually. It’s perfectly logical from where I’m sitting.

As others have said, the original post doesn’t give enough info! Fine to let the housework go a bit, get a takeaway, live in some mess but we don’t know about ALL the other stuff..birthday gifts for family, friends, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day for fam, car tax, car insurance and home insurance renewal, MOt- booking and getting done, childcare- clubs, holiday care,, inset days school forms, dress up, parents evening, clubs, play dates, dentists, haircuts, clean bedding and towels, cleaning the oven, planning birthday parties for children, checking and buying uniforms, sorting clothes that are too big and small, buying clothes, keeping up with homework and reading etc etc etc the list goes on and on!!

I’m triggered.

Well done OP.

🎣🎣🎣

You let basic standards slip well below par for your children’s wellbeing because meeting all of your children’s needs adequately like routine for proper meal times and bed times and bath times makes you stressed. Not living in complete neglect is not a bar to live your life by.

There's an element of it which is not allowing yourself to morally judge yourself for getting some things wrong- such as not having beautiful aesthetic decor that you switch up seasonally, for example. Having a house that is beautiful or a posh holiday of the sort you'd imagined isn't that essential, and it's a choice, so I am with you there.

But there are other things that aren't just about arbitrary standards but which are about doing the parenting and adulting job properly.

My experience of some men is that they never quite get to the point of bond with their children where the needs of the children are so intuited and present that you could no more neglect them than you would yourself.

I saw a man with a baby in a sling recently walking along a sunny road. He was shielding his eyes from the sun. I saw a woman following him with a baby in a sling (just that kind of parenty neighbourhood). She was shielding the baby's eyes.

OP if you would make sure you had the following-
regular dentistry
enough water in the day
an ironed shirt if you were going to that kind of job
the right equipment and kit for work
Broadly speaking enough sleep
Shoes that fit
A bag that isn't broken
the wherewithal to meet social obligations- making sure you reply to a friend who texts you, send your mum a birthday card..

You also need to organise your life so you do those things always for your children. That takes mental load.

Going further, children need more of some of that because they are learning how to live. Sure, you might say you don't care about cleaning the bathroom. But you know what clean means and you might look at a towel and think hmm thats been there for ages I will chuck it in the wash. A five year old will just live in the mess as it is presented, and will get even more yucky and unhygienic.

In short my taxonomy would be-

1. Pretty, fancy versions of things aren't essential
2. Health and life admin for all your children, all the time, to a high standard is essential
3. Things being a tiny bit cleaner and more healthy than you'd probably have them just for yourself - that's unfortunately essential too.

Women are not doing all of it because they've been brainwashed. Only point one of my list, and that's the fault of capitalism. Point 2 and 3 are non negotiable because we take seriously the responsibility of giving our children a good start.
Patriarchy means that men are allowed to fail more at 2 and 3 , but that's a privilege you have, not a reason to lecture women and tell them not to do it.

To be 100% fair, I think a fair amount of sexism is attached to the idea of the mental load. As I know people thought me some kind of super Dad, when they definitely wouldn't comment on my wife doing the same. Which probably adds pressure to Mums, that isn't present with Dads

This whole post is code for “I’m a lazy dad but because my standards are low and I work in short-term timelines, the only people who suffer consequences from my laziness are other people.”

You think it was fine.

She maybe doesn't.

I think what annoys a lot of women is when men are absolutely willing to let standards for their home and family slip to rock bottom, but they won't do that in their job. They'll work late to get that report fine tuned, they won't stay up to sort their DC costume for roman day. They'll be organised to the nth degree planning that conference, but they'll leave the Christmas shopping to the last minute.

It essentially sends a message that the paid employment is taken more seriously than responsibilities at home.

It's all very well living life in a lackadaisical fashion and just muddling through. Yes, no-one dies. It's fine for an emergency ,when the main carer for the household is ill, or in hospital and you're just trying to survive the day. But it can get unpleasant and stressful if on a regular basis you're in a situation where you're not able to find clean clothes to wear when you're trying to get to work and school on time. When you realise on the way to school that the homework wasn't finished because you decided to prioritise a bath for the kids instead because they haven't had one for a week. Or you forgot that it was own clothes day again.

When all the best holiday accommodation went months ago and you're left with everyone a bit disappointed when you get there to discover something that's not up to the standard you'd usually book. Or if you took a flight where you all had to sit separately. Or you turned up last minute to the gate, hadn't pre-booiked seats so you're all seated separately on the plane.

When the neighbour from a few doors down drops in unexpectedly and asks if they can use your loo because they have had to get an emergency plumber and youre' panicking cos you left the toilet with tiger stripes, and there's pubes all over the floor.

And everything that everyone has said.

The household is happier when things are running smoothly. Muddling through is fine on a needs must temporary basis. But not as a routine thing.

Yanbu. Your getting a hard time as I assume your a man (correct me if I'm wrong) and this site is full of men haters. You did things different to your wife and that's OK it doesn't mean the way you did things where wrong. I agree most people stress themselves out. It's about personality types some people are stress heads others are laid back. I sound like your wife but I would prefer to be like you.