Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

I think some mental load activities are over exaggerated. For example the bills, life insurance, car insurance, house insurance, mot, road tax. I mean come off it these are one off things that need to be done yearly not an everyday task. Just put a reminder in your calendar and forget about it until your reminder kocks in and then it takes 20 mins to compare some quotes and buy a new one. Hardly exhausting stuff and nowadays the comparison sites have your info and send you an email with latest quotes anyway.

Most people pay bills by direct debit so where is mental load? Once it's set up that's it. When people comment the mental load of paying bills...seriously unless you aren't doing it by direct debit I call bs

I know from my OP the assumption has been im doing absolutely nothing and the kids are late for school wearing filthy clothing and eating McDonald's every night.

We do have different standards and actually its not a dealbreaker, we aren't getting "divorced" as some suggest. Yes there have been tensions but overall, she is happy that I put my career on back burner to assist hers.

It wasn't a promotion "I'll be working longer hours", it was a promotion :I need to be in America for two weeks". Pretty disruptive, but I have a flexible job and was very much go for it.

Just what I was about to say......

I’m not disputing your experience and the reasons for it but I’m curious as to why some of us seem immune. I grew up in a house where my mum ran around cleaning non stop and basically did everything because my dad was a lazy useless fucker, and she’d always talk about her shame at the state of the house and what must people think etc. even as a kid I thought it was unnecessary. She halfheartedly tried to get me to do chores but as a child and teenager I have to be honest and say I (a woman) took after my dad. I was a lazy fucker as well and as an adult I have pretty lax standards and prioritise relaxing and pleasing myself over chores and efficiency. I didn’t look at her behaviour and internalise it as what women should be doing, I went the opposite way, like why on earth would I want to repeat that?

I think some people cope better with the mental load than others do due to their circumstances, personality, other pressures etc.

I remember reading a poster who was very stressed about the mental load from emails from school. For me, that sort of thing doesn't seem like a big deal, but for others they obviously find it harder. Maybe some people are exaggerating but I think some people genuinely struggle.

I also think sometimes it's a reflection of feeling/being generally treated like shit in a relationship. When they're generally unhappy, everything feels bigger.

Have you seen the Bluey episode where they go to the pool? I feel like that's reflective of the parts I've read of this thread (basically the OPs posts). Dad takes the kids to the pool. Whilst there they had to make a bunch of compromises because they were used to mum handling stuff and dad did things differently. He didn't have the floaties, sunscreen etc so they had to improvise. But they still had fun. Then mum turned up with all the sensible stuff as she'd planned ahead and the children rejoiced.

Perfectly summarises my marriage. I am proactive, my husband is reactive. He will get everything done to a degree, but with a fair amount of compromise on the bells and whistles parts of life. I am all about the bells, whistles and added sparkle. I'm the one currently sat practicing my calligraphy as my son has his first wobbly tooth. Is it more work to not just deal with the tooth once it's out, leave whatever cash is in the wallet under the pillow and have done? Yes, absolutely. Would it be less stressful if my spouse was as proactive as me and we worked as a team? Again, yes. However also there have been multiple times where his chilled nature and ability to think on his feet/come up with a solution in the moment (reactive) has been really helpful. So we can be a good team! And whichever one of us was in charge at the end of the day the kids would have all their basic needs met, and they'd be loved. Which is the main thing really.

Bills can be quite a bit more work than that if you're not well off enough not to have to keep track of changes in tariffs, watch usage, plan ahead, etc..
My DP (living separately) didn't notice any of the news reports about energy price rises, wasn't interested when I mentioned (three times) the need to check tariffs, fix prices, etc., then was outraged and upset when his new high bills came in.

I spent weeks checking, researching, making phone calls, switching provider, getting metres installed and fixing my tariff.

I also have to keep track of deals, remember when my lower prices (e.g. for being on certain benefits, having a "vulnerability" in the household) run out (no reminders), keep an eye out for and plan the cheaper electricity hours, and so on.

I can't even remember my own anniversary. Much less my in-laws!

That's a good example, IMO, of the kind of stuff people could ignore if they feel overwhelmed.

Even sending out Christmas cards. I love doing this, and do a lot of years. Some years though I have been too busy. So - just don't do it. And don't feel guilty.

Why aren't you going on martin lewis site who does all that research for you. Then setting alerts to notify you of cheaper deals or prices.

You don't need to remember when your deal ends. You can put a reminder in your calendar on your phone or a paper one if you use that.

Again getting a meter installed thats a one off task. You won't have to do that again.

Tis sounds shitty for you, but in the general case, what is it that you expect to happen.

Should I, the less together person in my marrige, stop my husband from doing things the way he wants? Or maybe I'll let him but go live in the shed so I'm not taking advantage of it?

Honestly, if he felt like you seem to I would just leave. I am happy for him to do what he likes and try to avoid things that really bother him even if it's not my preference. That shouldn't require some kind of flagellation of scrambling around to do everything the way he would.

This is speculation, so please take it in that spirit, but I think it might be if you grew up in a predictable household that was stable. I mean, your mum got it all done, the house was clean, the meals were served, she was a rational person, although she was doing too much. You had a rational response…you saw it was far easier and more pleasant not to do those things, and didn’t.

My DH also had a stable household. His mother had cleaners most of her life until she retired and stopped cleaning, he had live in childcare from his grandparents who were in a granny flat, grew up in a safe village and his parents had plenty of money to make sure he received a good education. He also isn’t bothered a lot about the house, chores, etc, and pretty much pleases himself.

I didn’t really grow up in stability. My mum was in and out of mental hospitals, there were side effects from medications, her behaviour was unpredictable sometimes, sometimes frightening, sometimes cruel, and it was hard for my father to cope with it. He coped by being at work a lot, and I was left after school to deal with my mother and sort things out and protect my younger brother, and I never knew quite what to expect from her which I know produced some anxiety. School was Ok because it was predictable, and if I did my work and did it well, I got very good results, and I could forget about problems at home for a while. So I became very studious and excelled and eventually earned a couple graduate degrees. The house I could control by cleaning it…i could at least make the external environment orderly which was more calming. I could make sure there were meals on the table for her, my dad, and younger brother….you get the idea. And I suppose even when I left home, I continued being very organised, doing well in my career (like school, right?) and sorting things out for everyone to smooth things over.

This worked all right until probably my mid-50s when I realised I was utterly exhausted and starting to have some health problems. Then, I had to try to set some boundaries out of survival really and wind down. The response from colleagues, etc was a bit of shock because I had trained them to see me as always doing what was needed, until I couldn’t really do it anymore. I don’t know if that makes sense to you or no. Interestingly, my brother is pretty lax about household chores…his wife does it all, just as I did it all for him when he grew up.

Personally I think there’s a massive difference between taking charge for a short time, where you can step back again to your previous role and the long term. The reality of every day, day in and day out having to be on top of everything is was I struggle with. If I knew I only had to play the role for six months or a year I’d feel very differently. You can absolutely wing it for a while but eventually all those small things you dismissed previously come around and actually need addressing.

No offence taken at all. I understand why you’d think that - I wouldn’t call it particularly stable though. My dad had severe mental health issues that meant we were on eggshells a lot of the time, he’d blow up randomly at minor things, spend entire weekends in bed and punch holes in doors. My mum excused and enabled a lot of very problematic behaviour of his. Thinking about it, despite their many faults, the one thing my parents did do was always tell me to follow my own path and not pay heed to what other people might think. They never placed any expectations on me in regards to anything really.

I think part of the problem with this is in fact the different judgements by society of what men and women achieve. As a for instance, when my DD had to spend a night at her fathers house before school recently (a rarity but I was in hospital), he took her in late, wearing the same (grubby) clothes she had worn all weekend, and with unbrushed hair. The teacher was simply impressed he’d managed to get her there almost on time. If I had done the same thing, as her mother, the teacher would have been questioning if everything was ok, were there issues at home etc. I know this because Dd is fixated on a particular outfit at the moment, and when the dryer broke she wore it for several days in a row without it being washed as I couldn’t get it dry on time. I had the teacher being all concerned at me at pick up, and questioning what the REAL issue was the meant I was clearly failing to cope. It was the same outfit and the same teacher!
So yes Op, your 60% may have been fine, but your wife will know that the exact same behaviour and outcomes when she is there will be judged very differently, and she will be found wanting where you were praised. It’s not fair but it’s life.

Did you mean to be such an asshole? Why should I just get on with it when there is another competent adult who should share it equally with me? Do you think you’re inherently better than women and that women should just automatically do this without complaint? Can you explain?

Exactly. Dad scrapes by with minimal help from mum = hero

Mum briefly dips below optimum standard with no help from dad = alarm bells

OP, I am pretty relaxed about life and I think my husband and I are close to 50/50 on this stuff, so personally this doesn’t affect me too much. I’ve despaired a few times that friends of mine seem to be making themselves very unhappy because of their own impossibly high standards. But a few things from your posts.

It definitely reads as a criticism of your wife and ‘women’ in general. That’s not kind or necessary. You acknowledge yourself that women are subjected to a hell of a lot more judgement than men for the same things. And you sound patronising.

You say that you can’t understand what people find so hard but when offered some of the scenarios that can make things much harder (things like additional needs and sick/ageing parents are not uncommon) you brush that off as not relevant to you. But if you genuinely want to know why some people struggle more, then there are obvious reasons. In particular raising children with any sort of extra needs, especially now with services at and beyond breaking point, is very challenging indeed.

You refer to yourself more than once as ‘helpful’ or ‘helping’. It may mean you think of that in terms of supporting your wife’s career. In terms of your house and children though, helpful suggests you still consider this actually your wife’s responsibility really, and you are just lending a hand. Does this come across to her? Does she feel that?

It’s really obvious from the responses that for many people the misery of the mental load isn’t the doing of it all but the resentment that they are left to do it all by an oblivious or unreliable partner, or one who tells them they are overthinking (a term you use yourself). I lost my mum young and have first hand experience of what happens when left to a parent who doesn’t want to take all of it on. Women do this for their family’s sake.

And, again answering your question on why some people find this so hard, you are obviously in a position to throw money at some of this. Many aren’t. Many things are harder and take longer when you have to consider every penny. Presents can’t be five minutes on Amazon buying everything your kids want. Takeaways aren’t affordable. A holiday might be doable with a lot of planning/money managing/research but can’t be last minute. The kids already feel different to their friends and the pressure to make sure that you are doing everything you actually can for them with the resources you have is a lot.

No.

It is not exaggerated.

"Two weeks..."

You couldn't maintain better than 60% for two weeks ...?

Why frazzle yourself to meet other’s standards? If you're OK and the kids are OK, and your load is managable surely that's OK? We're not fake instagram people.

Regularly over two years as the original post says. It was just an example of how quickly these things would pop up...but with working around UK and long hours; it meant the assumption on the whole was she would never be available.

But she was available, just less so. How much did she do when she was back?

I think this is very valid.

I've solo parented a lot since day 1. DH works away often and also has aging parents who live abroad. At one point he was away almost 5 weeks in a row leaving me with a 1 and 3 year old and my own job. I was also grieving. It was tough. But everything got done and the house was actually tidier than when he is here. However, work trips happens every year, multiple times a year. Some months he's away more than he's here. The most recent time I was frickin exhausted. So stuff slipped. We had freezer food quite a bit (he's the chef in this house and does everything from scratch which is also a reason why he creates more mess), the general levels of tidiness decreased, I didn't exercise as much as usual. Really can see the difference between the first week he was away back in August and now, I ran out of steam. You can start off full of good intentions and keeping all the plates spinning but now it's the end of the 3rd year I can understand the OP saying 60%!

Can imagine a lot of people who are full time solo rolling their eyes. But I guess it's what you're used to. And how much you commit to based on assumed capacity!

First, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. That’s rough, not only on you, but your mum. What you say makes good sense though, and I can see why you wanted not to do things like your mum. And I’m glad you were given a chance to be yourself without expectations. That seems the key.

In contrast, there were a lot of expectations placed on me…had to do super well in school and I was punished if I didn’t, do the housework, cook, toe the line…basically be a grown up at a young age. I didn’t bring friends home or have a lot of friends because my mom was so volatile, so I didn’t have many points of comparison. I learned that love was conditional, only based on what I achieved, and not just because I was me, and that has taken a long, long time to sort out, and I’m still working on it. I also sadly realised others took advantage of me because of that, and getting rid of the resentment caused also took me a long time to release. My brother coped with it by being with his friends all the time, and he has had a more typical path in life, and he looks down on me because I didn’t have a family. I’m learned that constantly being asked what was wrong with me by my family was pretty mean, and that I am fine just as I am.

On the positive side, my father did tell me to get an excellent education and have a high flying career so I could always take care of myself financially though, and that I accomplished. And he was proud of what I achieved, at least I hope he was. And my marriage financially is absolutely 50-50..I always worked outside the home, paid my way, and supported myself without family help. But now I am seeing retirement is a different proposition, and those responsibilities aren’t there as much, and that will take adjustment. I also just need to rest and start to enjoy myself, just because.

So, it seems that if women are generally socialised to do mental load/domestics by parents, they imbibe that. And that being loved by parents for who you are is important.