Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

I've always figured that with the mental load it is not necessarily that it is exhausting on it's own. It is just that when one person has to do 100% of the mental load for years, decades. The other partner only does what they are told and it doesn't even occur to them the children might have to go to dentist. They do cook, but have to be told what to cook. Will go to the shop but only if given a list. Will drive kids to football but doesnt occur to them to sign the kid up for it. Basically the other person has a full time job and then has to come home and be a manager to another grown adult.

My husband went out with the kids today as I was working. He couldn't remember to shut the front door and lock the side and front doors as they went out the french doors from the lounge. When I got home to a completely insecure house he said ah well no harm done. I think that is maybe the attitude of people who don't get the mental load is holding everything in mind simultaneously and not letting standards slip unless illness/unexpected circumstances crop up etc. Some people just can't or won't "get it". Yes a lot of it is the basics of life. It's not just about having a spare change of clothes for the day, the snacks, the right outer and footwear, it's going online the night before to buy the tickets as they're cheaper and thinking we don't need to spend £3 on animal feed at the farm we still have some last time in the cupboard....The plate spinning inside the mind.

Apologies, yes I did misunderstand and jumped on your post too soon.

Your situation sounds very stressful if you are basically having to parent your OH!

no worries. I think we are both in similar boats trying to navigate the same stormy seas.

Not suggesting you do. However your suggestion is that the mental load is washing, clean clothes, buying presents on amazon meals with takeaway included.and keeping the house 60% clean.

The mental load is a lot more than that.

Yeah, it doesn't matter how much I justify it to myself, but will never stop feeling guilty for not doing 'more', whatever more might mean!

I think you're right. It's just life shit, most of it, but if you're the only adult having to do all of it for another adult, that must get heavy.

My husband, as an actual adult, is as capable of booking appointments, paying bills, and buying shoes as I am. He does it - he doesn't ask me, he just does it. Sometimes he does it differently to me - he buys new shoes whereas I would have gone on vinted, but he gets shit done, as do I. I refuse to feel grateful for any of that, but when I read about the incompetence some people live with I can see how different loads must feel heavier.

So get on with it then? I was a SP for over 10 years, it never occurred to me to moan about the 'mental load' I just did it 😵‍💫 now my partner is the default parent and I am the main earner I still do some things as I am better suited to then. Not an issue, it's just part of family life.

To me it's mind blowing that women winge so constantly about this.

I got to p7.
The mental load for me also included thinking about work (music teacher) sending emails to parents, doing timetables, writing reports, sending invoices, exam entries, none of which could be done during the working day.
Add family stuff on to that, plus a musician husband away on tour.
The load is real, even though I probably only reached 70%.

I touched on it earlier, but I do seriously think that the emotional aspect of the mental load is sometimes overlooked. Throw into any already tightly packed schedule something like serious illness, accident, bereavement, redundancy, financial crisis or the like, and it can royally screw over the most capable persons equilibrium.

And these things do happen. Some people have to live with extra levels of ongoing stress for a long time, and while it's claimed that we just need more resilience, and we must get back to normal and not let the kiddiwinks or man-child suffer any inconvenience, it's just not realistic. People end up having breakdowns trying to maintain even basic expectations in such scenarios.

No doubt the cry will be "but that's different - of course some slack should be cut in such circumstances" however, I've seen threads on here where the OP says - "I'm at my wits end, my legs fallen off, the house burned down, my partner has run off with my mother and the dog has rabies" and the responses are just so tone deaf "Do you have pet insurance? House insurance? If not, why not?" Or "Paralympians don't let their disabilities get in the way of gold" or "Perhaps your husband is under stress" see also "spa break".

In all seriousness there was a thread a little while ago about someone's sister who was having a complete nervous breakdown after her husband did a complete vanishing act without warning, and some of the responses were very Mary Poppins - "Spit spot, mustn't wallow, the children will suffer".

On an every day level the emotional load can be just as taxing, and a complete grind, because so much of what we do is because we love the people we live with, and want them to have a nice life as well as it all being clean tidy and orderly. We can't always just dial that down and let things slide because, as others have said, kids miss out, and the less involved partner interprets it as lack of love and care rather than trying to be more practical or a sign of impending burnout.

I know not everyone lurches from one crisis to another, but some of us do / have done for prolonged periods and in those moments the concept of mental load takes on a whole new meaning, yet still there is side eye if plates get dropped.

Sorry for the rant. Did I mention I overthink and have dramatic moments? 😆

I have similar that I'm expected to know/remember everything like a human ask Alexa. This morning DH decided before going on holiday at lunchtime thst we needed a new suitcase, and immediately asked me what time John Lewis opened! I do not shop or work for JL so have no idea. Obviously I just googled but why not just do it himself? We've been to new restaurants and he'll ask me where the toilets are....it drives me insane!

He organised staying at a friend's apartment. I do not have friends phone number or address of said accomodation. DH said, I'll forward you the details in case my phone runs out of battery eg -hoping I'll take responsibility for finding the place!

I knew from the title it would be.

But women do stuff like that all the time, making admin errors.

They don't get people on MN blasting them for being shit parents and lazy. Sometimes they get some ideas for overcoming the issue but people generally understand. Lots of people, women, struggle with the achieving perfectionist parenting or just don't even want to do it.

I feel that if you managed 3 young children and a home by yourself for a few months at a time you have done pretty well and had some organisation skills

I've never found the "mental load" that hard to be honest.

I've always been a lone parent however so it's always been up to me to do 100% of everything. I guess when you have no other choice you just crack on.

I'd be annoyed if I had a partner that didn't pull their weight with stuff.

I think this is the best post I've read so far on the thread.

There is this assumption by so many here that one partner who wants a more relaxed household must have shitty standards living in filth.

Often, the standards of both partners are actually fine - they are just different. It's one of the difficulties of living with another person, and requires compromise.

Being the less admin oriented, less think ahead person, living with a perfectionist, can also be stressful and unpleasant for the more relaxed person. I realize that's difficult to understand for those who like things more planned out but it's true. It can make it hard to relax in your own place.

I think you have to align. Yes if there are two of you who are happy with a messy house, lots of takeaways and spending more on doing things last minute that's fine, but if you're on a tight budget, care about cooked meals from scratch, wants the kids to access extra curriculars or exercise or feel agitated by a messy house then it's a problem.
Fwiw I'm quite lazy/relaxed about things but it annoys the shite out of me that when it's my partner's turn to do something he just outsources it or doesn't bother. It puts more pressure on me to do things 'right'.

We all definitely have different standards and some people struggle to adapt to others’ standards .
That said , there are bare minimums …..
kids tired / late for school is a big no no .
Takeaways more frequently , if you can afford it , no bother !
Is it becoming a deal breaker between the two of you ?
Is some help eg cleaner an option ?

It depends to what degree the mental load is all on one person. If you have the option to let things slide because you have partner/family to help pick up the slack, it reduces the stress. If however it meant things would not get done - DC birthday & Christmas presents not bought, friends not kept in touch with, family never seen etc - it would be even more miserable than the stress of carrying the load solo. That leaves the mental load carrier in a tough place.

what often happens is that the "more relaxed" "less think-ahead" person still wants to reap the benefits of what the bearer of the mental load achieves. if there's no equilibrium in sharing of the mental load (taking into account work commitments), then resentment starts to form as the person who has all the stress of the mental load realises that they are often to tired to take advantage of the benefits of the organised household. This is certainly the case with me. The amount of stuff that my husband can't do means I take on too much (including the main earner). I am so burned out that I don't have time or inclination to go out socially or buy nice things. I never watch TV as there is always some admin task I need to do. He makes full use of our disposable income and weekends out with his mates. this is of course a very extreme example. but I believe it exists in many households on a smaller less-extreme scale.

I skipped after page 2x You lost at Butlins!

Wow OP you’ve no idea. It’s not just the household things you physically need and can be seen. I’m divorced now, but, the mental load….OMG. The ex just doesn’t try. We get the same emails from school, but who books and turns up to appointments? Me. If he does turn up to appointments and performances then it’s because I’ve screen shotted the email and sent it by what’s app and then sent further reminders. He picks and chooses what is important I think. He’s made about half the performances. I speak to the sendco myself re one of my children. I went to the GCSE parent meeting about how parents can support their children over the next 6 months. Every other weekend has stopped being a thing because he wants to basically see the kids to do nice things with them but the kids have activities on weekends so this makes it boring as they need driving about to activities. So he just doesn’t. I also do week day hobbies. The dentist, the doctors, the opticians. All fall on me and did so when we were together. Clothes, shoes hair. He buys clothes etc for his house but I’m forever sending things like toiletries and sanitary products when they go as they’ll say they’ve ran out. Ive even sent him lists of the products that he needs to buy for them but as he shops in Aldi and they don’t stock specific brands he doesn’t get them. I shop in several shops to make sure they have what they need. They come back from his house I often notice the clothes he sends them back on don’t actually fit so I end up sending more. Oh and my isnt that tidy as I just can’t keep up. But they complain his house is worse. Washing sits on the sofa piled high (clean) for weeks. When he does have them he ends up taking them out to eat because he hasn’t done a food shop. He does work away alot but just doesn’t have the mental for sight.

Actually my wife was still in charge of everything from a beach in California apparently according to some posts. Not yours obviously.

What is the problem with that as a question? It's a conversation about what is going to work best, before or after. That isn't mental load. That's working together on the best order for the things that need to get done. If he just said 'we'll go to the co-op on the way back from the party' he would risk being told he was controlling.

So much of what is see on MN about the mental load is actually just women deciding that the way they think things should be done is the only way.

Because she knows the house would remain filthy and unsold for decades if that’s all she did?

Yep.

Cleaned up and sold, the house could net 350K, which would be nice to have for both our retirements, so there is an interest in sorting it out. Why have something like that you have to pay council tax on after 6 months?

He has form for this. DH had a terrace house that sat empty and unsold for years because he couldn’t get around to listing it. I finally said, look, we can sell and pay off our mortgage (which I was paying at the time). Why are we (I) paying interest? So I went down with him, we cleaned it top to bottom, listed it, it sold in a two months, paid off our house.

Three old ‘classic’ cars intended for restoration sat on a farmer’s land adjacent to us for 7 years…farmer had no problem these being stored there. Someone else bought that land and said get the cars off. He had to sell two (finally), and the other he is restoring…..It is sitting in a rented garage.

He had solar panels installed on the roof and designed a battery storage system and the electronics and put them in and….then just didn’t hook it up…for 9 months. After I said, look, why did we spend 10K on this if we can’t use it. Two days later, running and working. Electric bill now nearly nothing, which is great. It is a battle. I love the man dearly…he has sterling qualities and is very clever, but sorting things like this…getting him to finish stuff… it is difficult.

Why do I do it all? I grew up in a family where my mum was incapacitated by mental illness. I was the eldest daughter…who then was expected at a young age to do all the domestics, help raise my younger brother and not cause any trouble or make any demands. I grew up as a high performing, high earning, over responsible person. It is difficult for me to set boundaries with people who take advantage. This may be weird to read for those who grew up in a more typical household. But some of it no doubt is that women get socialised into doing all these things too.