Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

I probably would tell them to change their ways tbh. I don't take kindly to that sort of thing. And I'd reduce my contact with anyone who expected me to perform traditional femininity. And I certainly wouldn't feel shamed by them.

What are you looking for from this thread? Validation? Advice? Gratitude for a man showing women the way? The fact is men as a class have massively benefited from the unpaid labour of women as a class and you seem intent on minimising this.

They probably all say that you are so lucky your DP does all the cooking and that's probably why it's “well known”. DH does the most the cooking in my house and that's certainly been my experience when family visit. People also tend to assume I can't cook and probably that he is unlucky to have to do it himself.

This. I would challenge it. Or just let him go visit them on his own while I do something more fun.

Why are you even giving any headspace to what people might think or say though? I’m a terrible cook and I hate it, so I don’t cook, my partner does it all. I’m quite slobby as well. I’m sure that’s not everyone’s cup of tea but that’s who I am. It’s never occurred to me to spend any time wondering or worrying what people might think about that.

Who says I "wonder or worry" about it? It has no effect on what I personally do nowadays but it does demonstrate that there is a difference between what society expects from men versus women and that has an impact, not only on women (who feel pressure to do more) but also on men. If you are constantly praised even though you are doing less than your fair share there is a good chance you will continue to do less.

Don't get me wrong I agree with you and my husband commented how the way I am helped him notice and questions these expectations . He is more participative than most but so far we haven't managed to completely eradicate what we've been trained to see as the norm and views of those who surround us. But yes we need to change and I think we are changing but it is not easy or fast process. I dont want to discard people that have been in my life for years and are good people because they have these unresonble expectations. I push back but they wont change easily.
They are important to me and there many ways that they contribute to my life positively.

She is striving for something she wants and moaning at u about it, so yes she has created the mental load.

It's pretty easy to do things for a while. For a few weeks, months, even a couple of years. It's easy to plan for what you know will happen - dentist, optician, MOT. But then the dentist turns out to be on the day DS gets picked to play on the A team with school for the first time. So you now have to get him to a football game and rebook the dentist. Or (easier) skip the football and do dentist as planned, which is less mental load.
Then you have the child screaming with stomach pain. Do you attend A&E, what do you do with the twins, do you all go? Or do you leave it til the morning?
There's a live performance on DD's favourite TV show in the theatre? Do you get tickets? Do you all go or will someone be able to look after DS? And then you find it's on the same night as DS football game, who has managed to get a second game in the A team.
It's the endless changing of stuff that I find hard. Who's going to be here for dinner? Does someone need to be picked up from somewhere? DH can do that, but the kids will ask me first, so I need to ask him.
If I am away and DH is in charge, he does the minimum amount of stuff. Everyone survives. But no one gets to their football match or the theatre (unless pre-planned by me) as he would not seek out extra work for himself.

Some people find life admin easy, some find it more challenging. The experience for me is not the same as it is for many others.
OP seems to think that his experience is the same as everyone else's. Maybe he's good at life admin. But it doesn't mean it's easy for everyone else who has to do it all the time.

I agree. There is also a big difference between men ans women in thus. Men are much more relaxed whereas women seem to have a lot of angst about everything being perfect. Unfortunately women can then be very demanding about what they expect from a husband in terms of housework whereas I know of few men who complain that their wives don’t do things the way they do.

DH - “Don’t tell me what to do. I can do it myself”
Also DH - “Where is, what is, when is whatever?”

Mental load has little to do with housework and having a perfect house.

Sounds like the OP did a shitty job of it but still patted himself on the back for it while judging his wife. Hardly surprising really..

To be fair hands up. Whilst I am a man. The actual scenario has been sexed swapped. Both of us have been reading the thread with interest. You lot were far harsher on her than I expected. I have been away a lot and whilst a perfectionist I think i do need to compromise more. She actually did a great job, which we tried to highlight just my standards are probably a bit much.

Plus criticising from hundreds of miles away, I've accepted is a rubbish thing to do.

So... you are the husband, but you're actually the one who has been away, whilst your wife has been at home. Your wife is the one who thinks the mental load is exaggerated. And you've been posting from her point of view?

I'm confused. Who does the house admin? That's mental load.

So, what were the actual things that you felt weren't up to scratch?

Was there a point to the thread, or just to make your wife feel bad? Because while people can be (at times brutally) honest here, there's a difference between receiving feedback you've asked for and getting unsolicited criticism out of the blue. Was she ok with you posting this?

Confused here. As PP asks, which one thinks the mental load is exaggerated? The one who carries it or the one who doesn't?

OP (a man) thinks it is housework.

Yup. Not buying it. It’s not the first time an OP has had their arse handed to them and suddenly decided it was a reverse all along. Nice try.

I know. he's responded a few times but never addresses this bit.

I knew as soon as I read the title that the OP was a dude

I kind of have mixed opinions on this, I've been on maternity leave for the past 11 months and subsequently have picked up all of the "mental load" tasks, and it has been considerably easier than working! My partner has continued to work full time so during the working day I take care of childcare, household jobs, planning, organising, booking appointments etc, and I still have a hell of a lot more free time than my partner does. Evenings and weekends we completely split the time we spend with our child but that 9-5pm period Monday-Friday whilst my partner is working I am very easily able to manage the mental load tasks. When I return to work in January we'll divide everything up fairly but hypothetically if I were to be a stay at home parent I would happily continue with how things are, I find my job a million times more stressful than I find the mental load!

OP doesn’t get it. Also life with 2 3 yr and a 6yr old are very different than 2 in reception and an 8 yr old. There’s is double/ triple the school emails/ events/ bday parties/ more clubs etc.

Have you got just one non walking baby? You barely have any mental load yet!