Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

I think he needs this explained properly cause he thinks it’s picking up few things off the floor at the end of the day 🙄

@5475878237NC yes, but people apply the mental load philosophy to children of all ages and I have seen and heard people speak of this when they're in a similar situation that I am. The post doesn't invite people with children of particular ages to reply, it's everyone's individual circumstances and so I'm speaking from my own perspective. I'm not suggesting that the mental load doesn't exist, I'm giving my perspective based on my own opinion, which I'm entitled to do on what is essentially a chat forum!

I get that when 1 parent is at home, but when there are 2 working parents + multiple school age kids, it feels more of a load if it's dumped on 1 (working) person ...and the other one (generally the man) just gets to concentrate on work

Yes of course you are. Perhaps you might want a little humility posting on a forum of women who carrying a lot. Who knows what your future may hold.

Well, yes, it's obvious if you do any job to a higher standard, it will generate more mental load, I would have thought it was pretty obvious. As a note, we don't "impose pressure on ourselves" for no reason. I am sure you can appreciate that your kids eating a good balanced diet is much better than eating takeaways and living in a clean house with a routine that includes good regular hygiene is much better than a house that is somewhat dirty and questionable hygiene. So yeah doing more things/ doing things to a higher standard increase the mental load. In summary , your wife is more stressed than you because she cares enough to do a better job.

Do you only have a baby? If so not much mental load at the moment.

@Fizbosshoes oh god I 100% agree with you there! Had I been working full time as well there is no way in hell it would've been sustainable and it would piss me right off if I were working full time whilst managing all that, I most definitely agree that it would be impossible to manage for one person if both were working as well

@wombat15 I've already addressed that in a previous post reply, it's my perspective from my own personal situation and I haven't said it's applicable to all!

Unfortunately it’s (too) often one person doing all or most of this so it isn’t impossible. It’s relentless though.

What I’ve found interesting about this thread and ones like it is that the individual things listed really don’t look that major. It’s easy for people to say ‘that only takes a minute’ or ‘that doesn’t happen often’. And they’re right of course. But for a lot of people they find that the many small things crowd out their mind and their lives and it exhausts them. It also gets very easy for the dynamic to become that of learned helplessness from the other adult - ‘I can never do this, can you help/do it/remind me’ - so you feel like you’re always the one who has to keep things together.

I don’t experience this. My partner is great. But I’m surrounded by women who do. Way more than there should be in 2024. And I wonder often how people I knew as modern strong single women have ended up here. I suspect boiling frog.

Come back when you're back in work full time and doing it for a decade. The novelty wears off!

Given that you don't really have any mental load to deal with yet what is the point of your perspective though? Everyone with older children has been in your situation but you haven't been in theirs. So what can you add?

This. You have misunderstood what 'mental load' means. The reason you weren't stressed was probably that your wife was probably still carrying most of the actual mental load (which you were blissfully unaware of) and had added to it the irritation with your haphazard approach to the physical load (i.e. housework, kids' bedtimes etc).

OP what you described is not the mental load

Did you do all the dentists appointments, birthday cards/presents/party planning and doing, book all the school clubs and other things, organise paying for all the clubs and activities, plan buy all the Xmas gifts for the kids and family, sort out all the Christmas "fun" activities, make sure all the kids clothes/shoes fit and complete that shopping regularly as well? And that's just a few things off my head.

That's where the mental load starts getting heavier.

And his wife didn’t do everything to his standards?!

Sorry theres no way parenting a child is more complex then most jobs. If it was hard we wouldnt have so many humans. Your saying that a person married to accountant or dr or retail store manager, is doing more mentally draining tasks because of life admin. This is dishonest and disresepectful.

I agree with this that the emotional element is DIFFRENT between people. My observation is that theres a want for your husband to think and feel the same way you do, he may not and then? To be honest if you are a stay at home parent and cant cope with the mental load, what if your partner asks for support with the finacial load. Youve created a life you cannot sustain or enjoy YOU CREATED it. I think largely when people feel unappreciated small things become big.

Of course if you don't have a paid job it's not that onerous. The issue is when you both have a paid job and it falls more on one person.

Incidentally we had a very even split after mat leave (I went back to work early and male dp was a sahd). As the kids' lives have got more complicated I have ended up doing more and more of it and can't seem to work out how that has happened.

And if you do anything with the send system, my God. I hardly ever see any fathers engaged there; it's always always women running the EHCP process/having the meetings/managing therapies.

People generally take on the mental load of a family as well as having a job. It's not one or the other so your point is irrelevant.

All far too complicated for me. I have enough difficulty working out the point of threads when people are being truthful and transparent. There is not a lot of point in engaging when people lie. Oh well! That’s another chunk of time I’ve wasted on MN.

The point relates to sap's position and the impossibility of working with a child. So relevant

Also people underestimate the emotional complexity of parenting and how much it takes out of you.

For example, if you forget to apply to the right secondary school in time, or make the wrong assessment when you make school visits, or you make a mistake with admin so you end up on a waiting list - the potential emotional fallout from that is much more stressful than making a mistake at work - even as a very conscientious employee.

For example, one of my dds was really struggling with confidence at school and I had to research and ring around and make visits to find the right extra-curricular activity for her that helped to restore her self-esteem.

Anyone else on the outside would interpret that as 10 minutes work - look up activity - book - put dates in diary. But sometimes when it comes to dc, it’s a lot more complicated than that, and there’s a lot more riding on it.

Who has said it is impossible to work with a child?

Omg read the thread

I have read the thread. Most people are saying how difficult it is to take on all the mental load while having to work and it should be shared.

How hard is it to apply to secondary school? I think you are exaggerating. I have one in secondary and one in primary. Somehow I managed to apply on time without any 'mental load'. It's literally just submitting an online form.