Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

You've said yourself you're classed as a Superdad for doing things to an 'acceptable' (all relative and Im not criticising) standard so I think that indicates that there is societal pressure on women to have higher standards...and maybe women put pressure on themselves too much...it's too early on a Sunday morning for me to really bother thinking this through!

My own situation is that I find the mental load quite easy...I only have one 10 year old and I'm super-hot on the arranging appts, paying for school trips, having club uniforms ready etc bit. I have to be organised at work so its just the same principles. I'm definitely low with my standards on housework though...and it does bother me but I still don't do it! I work though...if I had 6 hours a day free I'm confident my house would be a lot tidier!

None of what you've described sounds like you've taken on the "mental load".

It's more about organising everyone's lives including extended family.

Yes it includes shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, direct childcare, but more in a strategic way than direct hands on.

Ensuring you don't run out of looroll, toothpaste, cleaning products, etc.

Also buying and sending presents and cards for family birthdays, Christmas.

Deciding, discussing and arranging family holidays, in conjunction with others if applicable. Arranging diaries and visits for family and friends.

Arranging external childcare, then school places, and looking after their education and wellbeing. Parents evenings, day to day concerns, 20p for MUFTI day etc.

Musical instrument classes, dance classes, sports teams, swimming lessons. Etc.

Plus maintaining social relationships with neighbours, school mums.

Sorting out things like the linen cupboard, children's clothes to buy/edit.

Vet visits for pets, vaccinations for kids and pets, worming, flea treatments, head lice.

But in the absence of additional complicating factors, two weeks at a time of solo parenting is not hard. This isn't a huge achievement - it's baseline competence.

Yes Op we do or did these things but- gently- OP's wife isn't there to do them. So take yourself out of the frame for a minute. Would your DP drop the ball on all of these things or would he step up and do them or buy in help to do them. At the moment he doesn't have to because you are doing them.

He knows this.

Ugh, I've now RTFT.

OP all you've done is a fairly shit job of what every single woman/mother does all the time, with absolutely no recognition or pat on the back. You're congratulating yourself on having picked up for "most" of the time what every mother does all the time.🙄

Some women are regimentedly organised and military. Some muddle through like it sounds you have done. Most people do it like you are describing.

Now your wife is back its automatically drifted back to her.

Women are not saying we can't do these things. We're saying that the gender differential between the expectations on men and women are unfair now we're not all 50s housewives.

I'm not really sure what your point is, other than to imagine that - as a man who has had this incredibly unique experience and insight - you have solved the problem by doing it craply. 🤣🤣🤣 Which many of us women are doing already alongside Executive or demanding jobs.

It cones across as smug and mansplainy. Mansplaining how you survived the mental load. "Here, women, see, I have found the answer, youre all doing it wrong" says man.🙄

Absolutely this. And school applications, exam choices, emotional support when things go wrong and so so much more.

it’s not what you think it is Op - your post just confirms your privilege.

Sounds like you’re spending an absolute fortune though and putting your wife in a stressful position leaving things till last minute. Then you have the absolute gall to come on here and say she’s exaggerating.

Do you know when the kids last went to the dentist? Are you buying all family birthday presents? Saving for the future? Keeping tabs on their school achievements and mental health? Cutting their nails?

Letting routine slip is not ‘fine’ because it means your wife has to guess whether you’re on it or not.

I knew this was written by a man

You only think this because YOU were happy with your own lax standards. Running a household/family is about more than that. Your partner wasn't happy. Your children will have had negative outcomes from your lack of routine. Also, society has different expectations of women. Visitors judge them if the house isn't clean and tidy, and they can't provide food, without ordering takeaways. That is a huge additional mental load, that has to be lived, to appreciate it. Long term.

Also buying and sending presents and cards for family birthdays, Christmas.

Can someone please explain why they do this (if it's not your own family you're talking about)

Different strokes for different folks. If she didnt like the way you do things she should have changed her job.

For me, two reasons. Both things I am working on 😅

Firstly DH and his brother shop for each other and their parents on the 23rd or 24th December. At some point on the 24th the family all disappear to their various rooms to wrap the presents. They then bring them down and present them to one another for unwrapping (Germany give gifts on Christmas eve). Which seems batshit to me that the gifts are wrapped for less than 10 minutes but I went with it. Till we had kids. Then accommodating DH wanting to shop when everywhere was heaving and disappearing to do wrapping whilst our toddlers were hyped up etc didn't work for us. So I started to insist he shop and wrap earlier, but he doesn't so I do it because I prefer that to him checking out over that period to shop or dragging us with him. But could have better boundaries here.

Secondly, one year we went to his mother's birthday (big birthday) and he'd bought her the shittest gift and also done a frickin horrendous job wrapping it and I felt like everyone looked at me like it was my doing. In my family gifts are reflective of the love you feel for one another, more effort/expense = more love (it's toxic, as I said, am working on it) so at the time this felt frickin mortifying. However my husband has a blooming wonderful relationship with his parents and also they put the same amount of effort into presents 😂 it's just not who they are. So I'm trying to be more chill. However I'm really trained that gifts = love, and I love these people so often I see something I think they'd really appreciate and I can't help myself.

As I've just said an another thread I'm not a big gift-giver or gift-receiver and honestly reading about the mindset of people for whom gifts = love kind of stresses me out. That kind of pressure is why I'm not a fan of the whole ritual!

Would it help to reframe it as something you want to do out of love rather than obligation? Because there's obviously a point at which it tips from being something you enjoy doing into something that stresses you out. There's a sweet spot in between, I feel. Remember that this is a low-effort family when it comes to gifts so they won't be judging you! I am certain that in the year of the horrendously wrapped shit present, the judgment was all in your head.

I am also certain of that!! I tried to check out of the whole thing a few years ago but my family still bought me things and then I just felt awful that I wasn't reciprocating. Bleugh. Will keep on with the therapy 😂

The things is brains and emotions are complicated beasts. On some levels I find it quite stressful (mainly environmental tbh, it's expected that we give gifts on my side but I don't want them to be on a fast track to landfill so I spend a LOT of time thinking about/sleuthing for things which will actually be appreciated and then trying to shop in the most sustainable/ethical way. That's the bit that weighs heavily), on other levels its wonderful to hear of a gift you've bought being used and appreciated. That part is very enjoyable. I've found a good rhythm with the in laws now, every year they get a photo calendar of all their grandchildren and a big basket of all their fave UK staples that I know they use every single day. Simples! I feel like I'm making a nice gesture, they get things I know they'll use rather than a token thing which will gather dust at the back of the wardobe, it's a good balance.

That is without counting the social pressure. If the in-laws visit and the man serves a takeaway is well done for coping. If the woman is at home and serves a takeaway she isn't good enough. Same goes for kids being late to school, wearing shabby clothes, house not being spotless. It's hard to not intermalise this pressure. For men it's easy because whatever they do is good enough. They get a Pat on the back. Its not really seen as their job so they can half-arse it and still been seen as being a great husband for supporting his working wife.

That's exactly the problem with women taking on all the mental load. Rather than men doing their fair share of the mental load, women alter their careers and do everything.

There was also a lot of assumptions from many of the same Mums how (half jokingly) how me and the kids would be begging my wife to quit after a couple of months. Also a lot of "i couldn't leave my husband in charge for two minutes".

I'm far from Super Dad. Far far from. However, the mental pressure people put on themselves seems bigger than the actual responsibility they are taking on.

The menial work is not the same thing as the mental load. The menial work is the drudgery, and the mental load is keeping track of everything that everyone in the house needs or wants doing and when. Its only women who are expected to do it, and its only women who are shamed for refusing, or having other priorities such as their own career..

Men don't want to be accused of not doing their fair share so instead they belittle women for doing any of it and claim its not necessary. OP has admitted he only had to run the house for two weeks at a time, and just decided not to. He could have hired a cleaner or used a laundry service or just done it.

Un-internalising the pressure is step one towards solving the whole problem though. And surrounding yourself with people who don't put that pressure on you.

It's not a given that people will judge men and women differently. My social circle don't. DP does all the cooking in our household (and is terrific at it) while I am fairly incompetent in the kitchen. This is widely known, when people come over to ours they know I won't have lifted a finger (I do all the clean-up afterwards) and I don't feel judged for it!

Me and DH both work full time but somehow only I notice and act on the fact that one of DC is unusually moody and quite, may need braces, that alergy reaction seem to be getting worse, that he needs new shoes, that the other one needs help deciding A levels, that we need to buy a dishwasher, that the mortgage rate is about to expire, that we should be overpaying on the mortgage before the rate expires, that we need to book our holiday abroad almost an year in advance and save thousands that will allows to pay for nice accomodation....

It wasn't two weeks. It was the whole time in terms of actually being in charge because my wife was away too much and missed to much to be able to take charge of anything.

Which was the main point of conflict. She bit her lip a lot because she had different priorities and just left it to me. Which was the plan. However, it's now the job has finished things have become more tense.

Lucky you. Maybe I should tell my 80 plus in-laws to change their ways.
My DH also is a great cook and will cook very often but people will often congratulate him and say how lucky I am. The expectation is there. Sometimes subtle but there.

Yes but he doesn’t seem to care how she feels, she’s wrong and exaggerating things if not making it up.

There is a Dadsnet forum - feels a bit like that’s a better place for this, plus you could share your experience there.