Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

But it doesn't sound like you put any pressure on yourself at all op?

very goady OP

It doesn’t sound very organised at all with you leading.

letting things ‘slip’ eg bedtimes can mean that kids get overtired/struggle at school

last minute holidays can be expensive/disappointing

why should your wife be the one to deliver things to good standard - a hygienic house/home cooked food

I do agree with you, I think everyone has their own “standards” for how things should be and what needs to be done and when. We can absolutely put too much pressure on ourselves and then end up feeling frazzled trying to meet our own high standards when actually, the world won’t end if bed time is 15 mins later, or if the house isn’t always show home tidy etc. This is something I only really appreciated when I had my daughter earlier this year, I used to stress myself out over never having anything in the washing basket, immaculate house all of the time, healthy meals cooked from scratch lunch and dinner etc and actually add a baby into the mix, none of that was really doable anymore and… the world didn’t end, everybody was still perfectly happy at the end of the day.

Obviously there’s a line, if the house was filthy, nobody had any clean clothes and we were eating chicken nuggets every day of the week then yeah I need to pick it up.

So you decided to just do… not very much? And then make out that it’s your wife’s issue for not wanting to live in a pig sty?

OFC the physical and mental load is easier if you decide to let it all go to shit. Meanwhile in the real world, most of us adults understand that children need structure, and a house needs cleaning/tidying…

Read the book Fair Play. Mental load is about planning, conception and execution of about 100+ different tasks ranging from bedtime and homework to play dates, family time and gift giving. I’d wager your wife was still picking up most of them.

Another aspect of each task is what is the minimum acceptable standard. Bedtime and bath time “slipping,” as pp points out above, may well not have reached that standard but because your wife was busy working she couldn’t bear to have to nag you as well.

So you didn't find the 'mental load' that bad because ... let me quote you here... "bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc"

so you half arsed loads of shit and now think that this means the mental load isn't everything women say it is?

Before you decide that, maybe try doing it all properly? Be on top of absolutely everything. All school events, dentist, bedtimes, cooking proper meals, making sure there are clean clothes, etc etc

Then compare.

I’ve literally just had this discussion with my partner.

His version of a clean home is several piles of things stacked up against the walls. Wet clothes placed on top of dry ones. Bedsheets unwashed for months. Neglect basically.

So you might be happily living a neglectful, shabby, musty lifestyle and thinking it’s great, with very little mental load.

There's a certain degree of self induced pressure but that stems from what is acceptable. You seem to have different standards as to what is acceptable. Yours causes her stress as it's too low.
I have been the wife in your situation. I still carried a great deal of the mental load as I kept up the appointments, school reminders, payments for trips etc. At the time it was a necessity but now it's more shared, there's abetter balance.
Constantly being the person that knows everything and is in charge of everything is exhausting. You haven't done that so I don't think you can understand it.

I think that is the point. A lot of the mental load is self induced pressure to do everything perfectly all of the time. If you don't put yourself under that pressure, and accept that you are not superhuman, life is a lot less stressful.

By your own admission, you didn’t do what your wife did, so why are you thinking your mental loads would be the same? Obviously it’s easier if you just choose not to actually do the work…

I agree with you 100%

His wife wasn't doing everything perfectly, she was doing her best for the household, the Op sounds like he was doing the bare minimum because he wasn't that fussed about doing his best for his family.

I don't think 'Mental Load' is exaggerated but I do think a lot of women view things not done the way they want them done as done wrong. I'm aware of this tendency in myself - particularly at work - and work hard to overcome this.

This.

All was fine though. Which is my point. The last minute holiday basically was Butlins over Center Parcs and despite the all mighty row it caused... the kids had a brilliant time.

Generally the house was fine but I was a more "clean up at the end of the day" rather than "clean up as you go a long."..kind of person.

We definitely had more takeaways. Every Friday...whereas takeaways were a no no nearly all the time previously. I enjoy cooking.

''bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed''

You can get away with that more easily with toddlers than you can school age children, who will remember growing up in a disorganised, chaotic and unclean home. Going to school unwashed in dirty clothes makes you stand out in ways you never get over.

I suppose the question is does the work really need doing? Are the children stressed and tired with a more relaxed bedtime time? Is the house clean and hygienic just not showroom ready? Does ordering takeaway when people visit really matter? It sounds like there's probably a balance in OPs case to be made between the both of them.

You have stepped up to take on some of the physical tasks of running a family but nothing in your post indicates you have any sense of what mental load actually is. It is the fact that you have ultimate responsibility for figuring out what needs to be done, and when and staying on top of everything. You sound like you feel that if it is not important to you it is not important.

Yeah, @whatnow123, you've definitely cracked it. Thank goodness you're here to tell the stupid women here just to do the bare minimum and not worry about bedtimes, cooking, tidying, cleaning, cos it's not important for your children to have any of that. Maybe write a book about it, you'll make a killing.

I agree OP. I always worked full time, was on my own a lot of the time and we had no "routines" in the way that so many people did. We just "lived" - as best we could. My kids were never late for school or missed the dentist. They didn't eat junk or stay up all night - but there was no mental load in the smug MN way. When I saw how others did it sometimes I was astounded, (sticker charts, timetables, schedules).

My kids were happy and grew up OK.

lol

First thought

OF COURSE this is written by a man

Same conversation here. Somehow it's fine and I just need to relax if the clean washing is all in piles everywhere/ bathroom hasn't been cleaned in two weeks/kids are given X for dinner/allowed to do Y/miss their friend's party because "well nobody died". That's the standard my husband is looking for. The thing is he wouldn't think it acceptable if that happened every day, it's just fine on his watch though.

Mental load isn't just the chores and routines.

It's appointments: dentist, docs, haircuts etc - making them and keeping them
It's clubs and learning: swimming, football, paying subs, keeping track of galas tournaments, awards, training, venues
It's birthday, bloody bloody birthdays: where, when, age, prezzie, reply to invite, create invites, arrange, calendar - kids at school, family, cousins, friends, parents (both sets) aunties uncles and on and on and on
and school: SEND appointments, school fair, mufti day, open evening, trips payments, cake sale

Sometimes all these seem to happen in the space of 1 week.

You've done a few months.

Try a few years - it will wear you down eventually.

Do not underestimate the mental load.

It wasn't a pig sty. Far from it. It wasn't the same standard my wife kept...but it was perfectly acceptable.

If I had actually tried to keep my wife's standards I would have been stressed....in a slightly cleaner house.

Sounds like a shit show. No wonder your wife is pissed.

If the bed and bath and clean clothes were slipping (which are pretty much the most basic of basics); then you probably have absolutely no idea what the other bits are.

I bet your poor wife was constantly having to nag you ‘have you booked this’, gets to the fridge and there’s no milk, tries to put something in the bin - it’s full or even worse been emptied and left with no bag, tries to go upstairs for a bath and there’s no clean towels, no shampoo. Before retreating into a nasty bed that’s not been cleaned in an age surrounded by stinky laundry bags.

Grim