Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Woah! You are very confident in your incorrect assumptions!

So, when you were responsible for it, you spent more money on take aways, disappointed folk by not getting on the holiday they originally wanted (doesn't matter that the holiday you had was ok, not the point), the house isn't tidy, kids bedtimes slip everyones knackered...

But basically despite a mucky house and poor holiday and more spending, no one DIED so anyone moaning about the 'mental load' is just a whinger standing on no legs right?

No mate. Not at all.

You've slightly misundrstood Mental Load. It's fundamentally a long term thing, so you may still be leaving some of it to your wife. E.g. we're you the one responsible for going through clothes before winter to make sure everyone has uniform that fits and ordering more and labelling it up in a timely fashion? It's about keeping tabs on everything so that nothing gets forvotten/left too late.

I don't like some of the assumptions being made on this thread. I actually think it is rather sexist to assume on the basis of very little knowlege that because OP is a man he is not capable of managing the household. That attitude reinforces women feeling that have to do it all!!!

It is entirely possible that OP:
A) coped just fine. Having a penis doesn't necessarily mean being unable to look after a family. I dislike the assumption that it does, it's harmful to women to infanticide men in that way.
B) coped just fine, but only because his wife did a lot of prep work before going abroad, and/or kept tabs on things while away.
C) wasn't really on top of things, but the timescale was such that he "got away" with it - kids could have been scruffy and missing deadlines but school didn't flag it up, unhealthy diet hasn't mattered as years of healthy eating have formed good tolerance for variety of foods etc
D) things slid and it didn't matter at all because actually OP has an acceptable dtandardcand OPs wife puts herself under unreasonable pressure to maintain outward appearance of perfection.

We simply don't know which scenario is the closest fit.

OP, i carry the mental load in our family. It is difficult, but not harder than many other things I've done in life. What I find unpleasant about it is that it is invisible effort so you don't get a thank you as everything seems to just magically run smoothly. Except that it is hard graft, not magic. I would like DH to recognise this more.

@TinyTeachr " I dislike the assumption that it does, it's harmful to women to infanticide men in that way."

I know it's autocorrect but some of the twats should have been drowned at birth lol!

Actually, try hitting around 60% of your targets, 60% efficiency etc, at work...

See how long you last there before you're being reviewed and then edged out/sacked for being shit at the job.

Doing a shit job of something IS definitely easier than doing a good job of it. Well done to you claps

Op could you tell us what your mental load is at the moment?

Sounds like you did a shit job and can’t understand why people who don’t do a shit job find it harder?

also the mental load is world book day, dentist appointments, MOT the car, treat for head lice, buy the next size school shoes.

you’re talking about a messy house and not doing a proper bedtime

Sorry I am over tired but I really can't get past this...

Breaking News: Man discovers it is easier to do a shite job than a proper job

I may be wrong but I 100% get the impression the OP wanted is to agree so he could show this thread to his wife and use it as a stick to beat her with.

We’ve not facilitated that. Hopefully he’ll half ass sorting that out himself too and the poor woman will get off lightly.

Well as I said my wife had been working abroad so there was only me for huge chunks of time.

Yeah I knew all of that. Knowing shoe size and clothes size of kids isn't the most taxing thing and certainly isnt stressful. Taking them shopping for said clothes....a different matter.

Of course there’s less of a mental load when you do a shot job 🤷‍♀️ You have lower standards so it doesn’t bother you.

It takes seconds to check that when you book a holiday, which again isn’t hard or something that crops up that much. Just seeing everyone over thinking on here is a prime example of the over management of the ‘mental load’

Totally agree with you. I have friends that claim to be juggling so much that they’re stressed to the eyeballs then volunteer to organise the Christmas Wreath Making society for the village. Some people can’t say no to stuff, some people can’t think oh fuck it the kids can have chicken dippers, and will anyone know if I don’t change the bedsheets for another week. No one will know! Sometimes it’s fine to let things slide to lessen your mental load.

You have to REMEMBER to check. That's the mental load part.

Not the actually doing it.

And if that holiday is in less than 6 months it will need renewing, so there's another job to REMEMBER.

And if it's closer than that it could already be a bigger problem

It sounds as of you and your wife have a different standard for running the home, you admit your wife was more like a 90 and you are more like a 60. It sounds as if you actually preferred your slightly more relaxed routine, especially because it allowed takeaways, your wife's routine was possibly a bit strict for you? I think you need to compromise maybe somewhere around the 75 mark if you can. This means you perhaps need to do a bit more and she needs to let things go. Perhaps for jobs like weekly cleaning you could get a cleaner to make it less work on both of you. The key here is communication and compromise. Don't let your wife pick up all the mental load because eventually she'll burn out.

Of course knowing shoe size isn’t stressful on its own. None of the things that make up the mental load are stressful on their own.

A single sock doesn’t feel overwhelming to wash. Twenty thousand socks ina pile that all have to be washed paired and put away within an hour starts to get a teeny bit more stressful (or choose another analogy if it’s stronger - don’t talk to me about socks).

The point I’m making is that the mental load is about carrying alll the small bits together and still not letting a plate drop.

OP, you threw money and lower standards at the problems, a luxury most women aren't afforded.

@Runnerinthenight oh FFS my autocorrect always thinks it knows better than me.... but I do love this song, which expressed my feelings rather well

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DrsSMGhkvTWg&ved=2ahUKEwjvjeesuaqJAxXbU0EAHStCEvcQwqsBegQICxAG&usg=AOvVaw2TrDRUj0M_FUkZKaVp3r0i

I find men generally
like you OP. They do things generally in a more relaxed and last minute manner. It has it benefits sure. But the problem is I find a lot of it ends up as ‘making do’. For example, substandard value for money on holidays or days out because it was done last minute and now all the good holidays are gone and everything booked up. So you end up paying loads more for something crap. Or you haven’t thought about or booked a day out so it ends up gettting shelved and the kids end up squabbling in the living room or are stuck to screens and then get a McDonald’s for lunch rather than the interesting show or museum or new park with fab play area that I would have booked.
Or dinner isn’t thought about - it’s last minute and there is noting healthy in so it ends up being a pot noodle or pizza again for the 10th time in a row.
Or no present has been bought for a party at the weekend so DC takes some crappy thing that looks vaguely new from the unwanted pile or a £10 note is stuffed in a card. Just looks crap when the child who’s party it is parents gave your child a really thoughtful gift last month.
There are just 100 examples if I think about it. It’s just a make do parenting or a less effort parenting. Whilst it’s fine it’s just that. Fine. Average. Make do. Personally I don’t want my kids to have average and make do. I want them to have what they need when they need it. I want to make the most of the money we have to give them as many wonderful experiences as I can. I want to build a network of other mild / dads to help when needed and also to help my child be social. I want them to eat good food most of the time and that takes organisation and planning. I want them to have clothes that fit, hair that’s cut, teeth annd eyes that are checked. It all takes planning and organisation. Last minute and no organisation just doesn’t give you that.

YANBU OP!
Also all this twaddle about women being 'judged'... Who exactly is judging and why do you give a fig?
My motto is always if they're not paying you a salary or making your life easier, their opinions don't matter.

I had 2 FT working parents growing up and my mother told me...you can either clean or cook to a high standard. Not do both. She chose the latter so our house was always a bit untidy.

But we also didn't have a load of unnecessary crap collecting dirt. It was a small house so everything was in a few places. Anything running out like toilet paper etc got written down. There were systems in place as a child I was taught to put things in the family calendar and pin letters etc to the fridge.

While a lot of men are useless, a lot of women sorry to say are also incredibly uptight. Oh and children are also mollycoddled.

I think the message is 'does most of this actually matter' and the answer is of course, no. A few takeaway meals, if affordable, will hurt no-one and kids might like their favourite clothes but no one will die if they're still in the wash.
Surely the important things are the time spent with children and their welfare, not whether you've dusted the mantelpiece,

But you've already said you'll just buy whatever they want for amazon. You cook for yourself and the kids happen to be there. Can you really not comprehend thinking about what your kids enjoy and what they might want for Christmas and seeing that it's £50 on amazon but argos has £10 off and whilst you're there what does mum in law like. Does dh still like that show or would he want aftershave. What about oh what's for dinner, kids love sausages, I best pick some up.

You don't understand the mental load because you literally just don't care enough.

Agree with you to an extent! When my partner works away I drop my standards and it’s all fine in the end.

Buuuut I dislike being disorganised and that’s possibly because I feel like women get judged more eg for a lost school reading log or forgetting a birthday present for your kid’s friend. Men are more likely to get a pass because of sexism

“Their house was a bit messy, but he’s doing it alone while his wife is away. What a great husband.”

”her house is always a bit dirty. I guess she’s just a bit lazy/doesn’t care/has low standards.”

it’s a lot easier to put down the mental load when, if you do, you are less lightly to be judged.

Mental load for me isn’t bills. They’re all on direct debit, but a pain if we need to investigate the best rate and switch etc.

It’s what do they need for school tmrw, arranging play dates and multiple emails from schools / parents.

It’s noticing DIY jobs in the house. Researching, investigating and arranging trades people - major time thief.

It’s remembering extended family birthdays and the comms that goes with it.

On and on etc. Anyone who has genuinely done all this whilst working FT wouldn’t say it’s nothing.