Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Correct, it's expected of her. You've exceeded expectations merely by meeting them.

My (and I do think he is wonderful) DH picks up about half the load in our house -and he gets treated like a fucking hero by people. Most women are picking up most of the load most of the time with no thanks whatsoever .

I grew up in a chaotic household. No bedtime, no real routine, no set meal times, fairly often no clean clothes when needed for PE etc, late for school a fair bit, embarrased to have friends over because the house was messy/dirty, not being taken to the hairdresser or dentist etc.

My parent was not particularly stressed about any of this, and I think they think they did quite a good job of raising us as we mostly turned out okay despite the neglect in a lot of areas, but I couldn't live like that now. I think routine and structure are really important for kids. I used to be so jealous of my friends clean, calm houses, with parents who made sure they had tea at around the same time each day and actually went to bed.

I would find it really difficult if my partner had the lazy but superior attitude that you seem to have towards what sounds to be the bare minimum.

Like i get your point op. Ive accepted that my DH might prepare a simpler meal for the DC than me etc and that's ok.

But actually, he understands that lack of organisation in the home tends to mean the children suffer, not him, either through being tired, having poor quality diet etc, and he does give family life the mental attention it needs.

You said it yourself in your first post, you were lax and let most things slip. Your wife doesn’t. She makes sure the house is tidy, kids are fed properly, bedding stripped and changed every week, kids attend all clubs on time, nothing is left until last minute, washing and ironing all done each week, hoovering, dusting, washing the windows, cleaning the bathroom thoroughly every week… I could go on, and on.
You not doing these things doesn’t mean you’ve “cracked the code”. It means you weren’t successful.

No this is rubbish. What about kids dentist appointments, doctors appointments, packed lunches, planning dinners (that are healthy but also going to be eaten) shopping for said dinners, getting the kids favourite snacks in, homework, keeping up to date with the school events, birthday presents, Christmas presents. The mental load isn’t bed time and a tidy house it is thinking of all the things all the time for all the people. Did you do those things too?

Well she wasn't able to do much due to working overseas for significant periods.

@whatnow123 so when you say “just tidied up at the end of the day”…. Was that when your wife was back from work and helping? Or was she doing bed time while you tidied?

Most people don't notice mental load until they feel overwhelmed. I didn't notice until I was doing the tribunal for my send child, whilst working and looking after him, and then suddenly I felt frazzled remembering to do stuff like checking shoes fitted and cutting fingernails and paying my house insurance bill.

A large number of people do cope by lowering thier standards and find that's OK. but there is a point where it's heading towards chaos or neglect and it's not very nice for the children.

Your mental load is minimal. Bath time, bed time, cooking, laundry and housekeeping is an enormous chunk of the day to day mental load.

What are you actually left with? School drop offs? An after school activity or two?

No wonder you’re finding it easy.

I think 'mental load' tends to be left to the proactive one.

Dh will do what needs doing.... if he is told.
I'm the one doing the forward planning, because if I don't, the kids will suffer. I'm also the one with the better paid/ higher stress job, so it's not like I have more time. I just think about what needs to happen so that the kids don't suffer. But by suffer, I don't mean fed and clothed, I mean:
Correct equipment
Right clothes for an activity
Who's got what activities on
Who needs picking up from whose house
What we need for the weekend
What stuff they currently like for lunches
Who their friends are
Who their friends aren't
Who their teachers are
Whether or not they've changed their clothes/ showered
When the next deposit for school trip is due
What hw they aren't doing

Also kids don't say how much they mind about some things, especially if they think showing those feelings will pretty much be ignored.

My friend was really taken aback when her 10 year old told her one day that he actually hated being late to school. She'd been telling herself for years it really didn't matter but he'd spent years enbarrassed and ashamed at having to walk through the office after the gate shut.

Agree with the others.. the stuff you mentioned isn't mental load at all. Kids need routine, clean clothes and a proper diet as standard. Your poor wife and kids.

Here's the thing, if I lived by OH's standards, me and him would be fine. DD would be just about the right side of ok, which is not good enough. He knows that and he is very appreciative and shows it , rather than just being a goady prick .

It sounds like the OP did the bare minimum rather than trying to do the job of parenting really well. So of course it wasn't as stressful as doing the job well would be.

Sounds like you aren't stressed about the mental load because you take a relaxed approach. Seems like you either don't do everything after all or your wife has a higher standard which you don't meet. I'm all for my partner helping but if it's half arsed, it's very frustrating

I’d bet money that his wife feels like she has an extra child with him. 🤣

Yep!

If you are getting take out a lot then it's not really providing healthy food for your kids.

My mum used to go away when we were young.

We got McDonald's first day, Chinese the second, pizza the third etc.

Sure my dad made sure we were fed and nobody actually died but it's hardly healthy food.

I used to work away and DP reflects back on that time, like you, what was all the fuss about.

So I did the early years grunt work. DH briefly took over when the kids were 10 &8 and we tried again at 14&16.

I'd get home on a Friday, long drive, to big hugs, then I thought we'd get take out. What do you want, another decision, do you want to organise it, kids are already hungry, fetch takeaway.
Go to put washing in machine, load already in there, smells, it's been sat there going mouldy, so rewash.
I start to clear up kitchen, dishwasher full but not washed, out of tablets.

Finally go to bed, same sheets as last week, bit grim, put full length PJs on, note to sort washing out tomorrow. Do I want sex, no, my head is full of the most efficient way to sort the weekend because I'm back on the road Monday.

DH prides himself on the 'everyone fed, no one dead' days. I absolutely saw him undermining my career, my kids and my mental health so I think you should really reconsider your thinking.
I found myself drawn to the really organised blokes at work but I'd go to sleep dreaming of my little perfect future house with just me.

I think there is some truth to what you say OP.

Clearly there are millions of people with different households, so millions of circumstances, so it's only possible to make generalizations.

But yes, part of the reason some people feel a lot of pressure around things (mental load) is because they hold themselves to a higher standard than they probably need to.

This of course is subjective - what is the right standard to hold yourself to? But society does try and give us a lot of extra shit that is actually pretty unnecessary.

Some women will argue that women get criticized more for not living up to certain standards so that's where the problem starts. I'm not sure I totally buy that, as a woman who doesn't choose to accept standards society pushes on me in these things. I think women tend to be much more vulnerable to men to perceived standards set by others - it's not that the others are actually more vocally critical in a personal way, not usually, it's that men don't care much what others think about how they run their house.

This is an area where I think women could learn from men. Not to give up standards, but to just ignore and ideally remain oblivious to others who think your standards are inadequate.

That won't fix all mental load issues but it's very low hanging fruit so worth doing.

I think a lot of posters here are missing the point that the wife doesn't get to dictate the standards that should be met. Different people will have different standards and there is nothing especially virtuous about obsessing over tiny details.

It is hard to say from the info that we have whether the family were any better or worse off as a result of the difference in approach. If everyone was still happy, healthy and doing well in school etc, it might not be the case that the wife's approach was better. It might just have been a bit different.

I do agree that it's ridiculous to moan about the "mental load" if that involves living up to self imposed standards that nobody else cares about and don't much matter. What we don't know in this scenario is whether that's what we're talking about, or whether the OP's version of managing the household meant everyone living in a pigsty, eating junk and struggling to concentrate in school because they're overtired etc. There is a happy medium to be achieved and it's impossible for strangers on the Internet to know who was closest to that in reality.

It’s very difficult to judge when we haven’t seen her version of clean and yours. Many people can’t live in clutter, and need tidiness to reduce stress and time looking for stuff. Not up to her standards is obviously causing more stress then her taking it on herself. She keeps a tight ship, essential with three kids, she goes away and you don’t maintain it, I can see why she’s bothered.

She holds herself to a higher standard. You're content with being good enough. Perhaps you could help each other to meet in the middle rather than set yourself up in competition.

You handled avoiding the mental load by letting everything be a bit shit. Having very low standards is why many women refuse to live with a man again post divorce or why they divorce them in the first place.

Do better.

Interestingly if this thread had been written by a woman it would read more like…

”I’m worried that I’m not a very good parent because my wife is so much better at it than me. The house is cleaner, she has a better routine, we eat healthier when she manages the household. We both love cooking but I’m really embarrassed that I serve her family takeout every time they come whereas she does a home made meal from scratch. I just can’t see to get the management aspects right, even with her helping with things like dentist appointments, Xmas presents etc.”