Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

“Despite the might row it caused”.
Your wife goes over and beyond and still worries it’s not enough. You do the bare minimum and feel like a great dad.

“All was fine…despite the almighty row it caused” 🤦‍♀️

It sounds like you are simply unconcerned about hygiene, necessary structure which children need for security, and how your wife feels… that you’re happily giving yourself a huge back pat for it.

Why do I get the feeling, on reading your post, that you were annoyed with your wife for getting that big promotion, so you engaged in weaponised incompetence while telling her that you didn't see what the fuss was about as this domestic malarkey was no big deal?

Maybe the kids were fine. Maybe your wife wasn’t. Maybe your wife tries to keep you all happy.

Mental load is about more than personal standards, it's about the standards others expect from you. You give a good example of your house not being a pig sty but not up to your wife's standards, however your wife's standards will be driven by other factors, including your expectations. Can you honestly say that if roles were reversed you would be happy coming back to a house with the standards of 'not a pig sty'? Probably not.

No it’s not exaggerating to say good parenting carries a high mental load, just about getting through parenting of course is easier

Why are there so many threads lately by men inviting us to criticised their wives? It's always been a thing but right now it's a bloody epidemic.

Aah, the classic " but nobody died" defence.

The basic daily tasks of running a house could be done satisfactorily by a stranger walking in from an agency with no prior knowledge of the house or family.

But constantly anticipating, researching and filtering relevant info for when vaccinations are due/school shirts that don't aggravate eczema/deadlines for school trips/presents for fussy relatives/having Calpol in before you need it etc needs someone to keep all the balls in the air, all of the time. Knowing and anticipating what keeps the family ticking is mental load.

I wonder which would be the best for the kids? A household with slightly later bath and bed times, acceptably tidy, not completely ordered clothing situation and the odd take away but with settled, relaxed parents, or a spotlessly tidy house run to a strict timetable, clean clothes always available but with parents under a "high mental load"?

I don't think clean house, lax bedtimes and takeaways are really mental load?

It's more, childs shoes are getting tight can I wait until payday. Its coming up to half term did I write down play dates and speak to dh about that event the kids want to go to. When did I last check in with my mum. Did I remind dad of that show he wanted to watch. Must get some more calpol. Will it be OK to leave the tap leaking. Must check dds homework. Must speak to ds about that school problem. Have I spent enough time with the children, husband, parents, friends. Is it OK to scroll mumsnet when I should be doing a/b/c. It's nearly Christmas what would fil like, what's that noise, I hope its not the neighbours cat in our garden. When's mils birthday, is it thus month or next.

Its EVERYTHING that would fall apart without someone. All the little things you have to think about that pile up and up and up until you have no space for anything other than stress. A clean, organised house helps in that before the mental load would be 'has dd got pe kit for tomorrow' and now it's 'has dh washed pe kit? Where would he have put it? If I wash it right now will it dry in time? Has it been ironed?'

Everyone has different priorities but I think you are minimising what your wife does and to be honest you're acting really up yourself for doing the very minimum.

Exactly this.

I'm reminded of the "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" essay.

OP, you could get a grip and sort yourself out, but I expect you're more likely to do nothing and then be bewildered when you're on the receiving end of divorce papers in 5/10 years.

I suppose this is the difference between me and my wife. She would definitely worry about a neighbour desperately needing to use our toilet, I literally wouldn't even think about it as a possibility.

Once again, it wasn't a pig sty. Let's say my wife was on point with everything 99% of time I am more 60%.

Stuff like homework was always done, clubs always got to etc etc. House wasn't always spotless, guests didn't always get some fabulous home cooked meal etc etc.

The kids had clean clothes, but whereas my wife had everything washed, ironed the moment it left the body. It may have sat in washing basket for a bit longer and not ironed etc.

Well she wasn't able to do much due to working overseas for significant periods

When i was travelling for work i still ordered the birthday gift for DS best friend, booked the optician, joined the phonecall with DD cardiologist. I also wrote the Christmas gift list.

The whole point of the mental load is its mental. Keeping in your head the things that need planning, the uniform that needs replacing, the timetabling for how to cover half term, it takes up just that bit of your brainpower that then isn't free for your job or your own personal stuff.

Its about caring as much & more for your children, than you do about yourself.

People would be telling her she was fine.

Apparently if the man does the same things he's a shit parent though.

Lol, I just knew as soon as I read the title of this thread that it was started by a man.

I've gotten one page in and can't bear to read any more because the OP replies in exactly the way I knew he would. I find myself feeling the same resentment I feel towards my own DH for his take on (or absolute lack of!) the mental load that is crushing me.

No OP. It's not fucking exaggerated. Try taking it on for decades mate! All while your other half gas lights you and blames your menstrual/pregnancy/menopause hormones.

God almighty

My DH once said he couldn't understand why people got so stressed out about holidays.
Because usually he only worries about his phone, wallet and either passport or car keys.
And I sort out literally everything else.
I don't have anything to do with boys trips to go skiing or golf, funnily enough he found sorting it out for one person more stressful

I don't think you sound very attractive @whatnow123 I mean if you end up divorced is this how you'll present yourself?

Take away is always an option
House will be lovely to arrive home to slight more than half the time.
I probably won't agree or make an effort even if you say it's important.

Mark this one, Nest of Vipers, he'll be on the market within a couple of years.

But all that still isn't mental load
They aren't mental tasks

The mental load tasks associated with clubs for example are:

Researching and choosing the right one
Getting on the waiting list
Planning how you will get there
Paying for it
Remembering to sign up for the next term etc
Buying the uniform/equipment
Remembering any special events and changes to schedules
Assessing whether the club is still the right thing for DC
Dealing with friendship issues

I'm not saying you didn't do those things necessarily, but just that you are focusing on the wrong things when you refer to mental load.

Your biggest mistake was letting everyone know your a man OP, you will just get a pile on, which is mostly what’s happening.

But I agree with you, I think so many make a big deal out of it, micro managing things that don’t need to be and doing things that don’t need to be done, it’s not that bloody hard. The term life admin is a load of bollocks and usually 80% of the stuff on these lists (I’ve seen them posted on past threads) are either things that hardly crop up (passport renewal) or things that could just be dropped (in-laws wedding anniversary cards etc) just drop the rope!

Kindly, I would suggest that it’s male privilege that allows you to ‘get away’ with this. Part of the mental load is that if a woman ran the household like this it would be looked on a lot less favourably. So, while mental load might be somewhat self induced, it is also ingrained into us by unequal societal expectations.

Maybe your wife is stressed because, regardless of you spearheading this new chilled lifestyle, she will be the one who is judged on it.

If anything, the mental load is understated.

This ^.

I don't think you have the faintest clue what "mental load" is, @whatnow123. I am willing to bet that your wife carries a lot of that as well as her work. 'Mental load' is more about planning, organising, thinking ahead, being prepared. Knowing which child likes what and which doesn't. Knowing when everyone's birthday is and getting card/present to the recipient in time.

Do you go shopping solo for the kids' uniforms? Do you know what size their current pair of shoes is? Are you the one who orders the oil (if appropriate, just an example). Can you remember unprompted which days are PE days, or sports days, or school plays, and have the correct gear washed and ready to go?

I don't think you are organised enough for all of that personally.

Absolutely what I was going to stay. If you’re just as on top of dentist appointments, school plays, birthday parties (and gift buying) your own families birthdays and Xmas celebrations etc as your wife is by the time your child is six I’ll concede the mental load isn’t as real as you think it is.

i have lower standards than my DP in some things. Hes tidier than me. Cleanliness about the same.

Well it's not really a mental load if you don't care about the actual 'load'... right?