DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

He can do what he wants. Maybe there is a trust from her mum.

Ultimately, it sounds like you are resentful because you can't offer the same to your kids. You live together but you are not married and have separate account. How he spends his is his business.

If you have separate finances and he is choosing to do this with his personal money then I’d leave him to it.

Personally, I would want shared finances and all kids treated equally. But you two have chosen separate finances and this is a consequence of that.

I wouldn’t interfere with it at all, his daughter, his money, his choice.

As long as he’s able to pay his % of the agreed upon bills what he does with his money and his daughter is up to him.

Can't your son get a job?

Yes he could but I don’t want him to be overwhelmed and lose track of his studies for the sake of money.

I would keep your finances separate and let him do what he wants. As all your children are late teens, I think this is much less likely to cause problems between them than if they were younger. Your DS at uni will compare himself to his peer group at uni and will know that you are being generous already.

Having money doesn’t make you spoiled. It’s perfect possibly to have a very comfortable amount of money, have nice things and not be a brat. They aren’t one and the same.

It’s not ridiculous, what’s ridiculous is you thinking he should spend less on his daughter because you can’t spend the same on your near adult children.

You moved in together when your children were older teens, it was sensible to keep finances separate and parent your own children.

It’s really not your business.

His daughter, his money.

Poor girl lost her mum at such a young age, if her dad wants to treat her a bit then I can't see anything wrong with that. And it sounds like she is on her way to a good career that will enable her a similarly luxurious lifestyle.

Your DC will need to learn that life isn't necessarily fair and I do think they are older which also makes a difference.

Wow. Why don't you give her inside leg measurement and menstrual dates while you're at it - make her a bit more identifiable (assuming this is true of course).

Poor kid.

But that’s exactly what his daughter is doing?

Degree apprenticeships are exactly that, working & studying, and they are really intense.

You can use your own personal money to top up your own children’s finances as much as you like, just as your DH is doing.

Your sons father could and should also be contributing financially towards them.

It's a bit strange you think it's unfair that his daughter makes more money when they have both chosen different career paths.. surely your son could have chosen a more lucrative career path? Why is that her fault and why should she be punished for that? For the sake of your son?

Enjoy your nice life and let him and his daughter and your children all enjoy theirs. It doesn't matter. You can all afford it. Be happy.

@CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease Personally, I would want shared finances and all kids treated equally. But you two have chosen separate finances and this is a consequence of that.

I think when you don’t merge households until your kids are 16 it’s a bit late for that though. Why should the older teens of one partner suffer a lifestyle drop because their dad has a GF who has 2 other teens herself?
This only really works and make sense when you are merging families with young kids, but at this age they aren’t even living as step siblings for more than a short handful of years.

That's fair enough in term time, but he could work in the holidays to earn some extra.

Maybe he feels the need to spoil her because she lost her mother at a young age, and he uprooted her from her home country? If your children still have both parents involved in their lives I would say they have had a considerable advantage over your stepdaughter. I would leave your husband to parent his child his own way, if I were you.

Poor girl. She’s had so much to deal with, and now apparently her dad has a girlfriend who resents her. She sounds like she’ll be fully independent soon enough though, which can only be a good thing.

Sorry OP, you just sound a bit resentful. It's not like she's being given anything that would otherwise be given to your son. What she has, has absolutely no effect and nothing to do with your son. The two situations are unconnected.

To be honest, you are spoiling your adult children by paying for their phones, gym membership, food, and all travel so you can’t really complain. No 18 year old needs a brand new iPhone or gym membership courtesy of their mum. Is there a reason they can’t get jobs and pay for these luxuries themselves?

I funded my own way through uni as my mum didn’t have a pot to piss it and survived just fine.

Which dc will turn out the most rounded and ready for real life?

As it’s from his personal money I don’t think your opinion is really wanted or needed.

It’s his personal money.

If it has no impact on your finances then it's none of your business how he spends his money. His daughter, his choice.

Aside from groceries the kids eat at home, I think you should keep stuff separate, given that you have separate finances anyway and given that the kids haven't grown up together. If this makes your money tight, you may need to have a chat with DP about the amount you're able to contribute to the joint account.

I mean how can we possibly know the answer to that now?