DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

But they are - gym, not paying rent, mobile phones….

yea she has ensuite but surely if not one of the boys would have it and she would have to share with a boy whom she didn’t really know.

they are being treated fairly with the “Family” money - some of which may well have been her deceased mothers money.

How do you suggest he does that? He has no more control over her money than his wife does over his.

Ooof this thread could be a bit identifiable. Especially if the Daily Mail get interested!

YABU OP.

How much money do you think your son should have for "fun"? Do you think he should have the same as someone who is studying and working when he is only studying? I'm sure your partner's daughter and your sons don't view each other as siblings and understand that not everybody has the same resources and finances. It's not unfair, it's just life and they are all very privileged.

You haven't mentioned your sons' father but if they receive any money from him or his family you surely wouldn't expect that to be shared with their stepsister.

He's comfortably off and he enjoys treating his daughter (who seems to be his only child). Why wouldn't he? It is in no way unusual. And as for being an adult, she is just barely that at 18.

Sorry OP but you come across as resentful. Stating her salary being “bonkers” for already being £24k sounds like jealousy, rather than being happy for her. Degree apprenticeships are incredibly hard work, you should be happy she is working hard and studying at the same time? It’s your husbands money, he is entitled to spend it how he wishes, especially as your agreement is to have separate finances. It would be a different story if your funds were joint.

Also, cut the girl some slack, she lost her mother at 10 and deserves to be treated now and again!

It’s really not up to you. At the age your kids are they will understand not everyone has the same amount of money. Do you think you might be jealous of her and wish he was spending this money on you instead?

Does the boys' father contribute to their upkeep at all?

We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

It's not exactly a trail of breadcrumbs in the woods situation for EITHER of them, is it? My mammy would have laughed at me if I'd asked her to pay for gym membership for me at that age.

Maybe her dad thinks YOUR son is spoilt because his kid is working AND studying whereas you've given yours permission not to look for work.

Well he could start by talking to her?

Explain that he expects her to save x% of her income for her future?

If she refuses then that's when it gets tricky but hopefully she wouldn't.

We can't tell from the information provided. Perhaps the daughter will because she is doing a degree apprenticeship out in the real world already?

2 of the children still have both their parents though who could both support their children mentally and financially whereas one lost her mother as a youngster and has been brought to another country so her father could live with a woman who sounds bitter and resentful of her.

Sorry haven't RTFT but have read OP updates.

I actually think it's touching on controlling to tell him he can't spend any "extra" money on his daughter beyond what you've agreed. You don't share finances, he earns more than you, he's been her sole parent for eight years, and it sounds like he's moved himself and his teen daughter to a new country for you... Now you want to tell him that his daughter's (wise) uni choice means he's got to put the kibosh on the treats he wants to give her. If you were my partner in this situation I think I'd laugh. Sorry.

Why not reframe it - he's a good and present dad, he's supporting and encouraging her drive to do well, he wants to use his "fun money" to prioritise her happiness. There are worse things in life. Yes, you will have to tell your boys they won't always get the same things other people get 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's parenting.

If the children had been small btw I would have thought more equitable treatment would be fair. But they are older teens, they haven’t been brought up with the idea that he’s taking a father figure role in their life. It would be different to me if they were 4/5 yrs.

Maybe the boy could ask his own father? Whereas the girl doesn't actually have a mother just her father.

Not to that extent but there could be a bit more spreading it out and making the other children feeling like they aren’t being treated differently.

Sorry I don’t agree, I can have a differing opinion !

She’s referred to him as DH throughout so where is the idea they’re not married coming from?

Where's DS's DF in all of this?

I feel it's his money his choice. If I were to pass and know it was going to happen I would ensure my only daughter had everything she would want or need in trusts , set aside for her only in the future. Perhaps this is what's going on here?

"his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever"

You sound rather jealous of her path? "But whatever" is a bit undermining of her chosen path ... wealth management and private banking are more vocational than a history degree. She will be earning higher initially anyway!

You can have a different opinion all you want but it comes across quite grabby, as does the OP.
The man is already providing a house bigger than the OP could afford and contributing more to her kids from joint money than his own.
Him choosing to treat his own daughter with his left over money is irrelevant. OP’s children have two parents, this man isn’t one of them but is providing a lot for her sons already.

Yes. It starts off as a 'DH is being unreasonable but sounds more like OP is jealous that her stepdaughter has a degree apprenticeship (which is extremely- difficult 4 days of work and basically doing a degree on a day release) and is earning what she thinks is an unreasonable amount of money. OP resents her having an en suite bedroom when she is the only female child. Poor girl. Her mother died 8 years ago, she gets moved to another country to be with her dads new wife and two teenage boys she barely knows, she works bloody hard to get a degree apprenticeship and has to put up with a stepmother who resents her. I cant imagine it isn't obvious to her. Maybe her dad feels guilty so is treating her. If I was the OP's DH, I'd be putting my (barely) adult daughter first and getting out of there.

I have known two young people doing these degree apprenticeships for big city firms. They both worked their socks off, really long days in the office then hours of study on top. She’s earning that money, and won’t have much time for ‘fun’. Not sure when you think she shouldn’t get paid when she’s prob working 35 hours a week. Her dad is rightly proud of her; your spoiling is his treating. I’m quite sure that your son, who has his meals prepared, all household things looked after, can manage to fit a 15-20 hour job around his history studies.

Are you not sure about that?

He should really be doing it anyway to put something on his CV. A history degree isn’t automatically going to land you a lucrative job.

Wow op, a spoiled little princess Really? He can spend as he pleases on his child, you don’t get s say and you also don’t get to hurl insults at her as you’re envious.

Me too. He needs to end his relationship with the op before she gets her way and damages their relationship\

shes jealous of his daughter. It’s so awful