DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

@LeoOakley ,

How is the son a lazy ‘brat’? On what information are you basing that?

He is doing an undergraduate degree in a respected subject.

I know this has been asked numerous times, but where is the father of the boys? Does he make any contribution to their finances? I can't find any information about him from the OP.

The Op has made this post about her dsd's father overly (in OP's opinion) spending on her, objecting to it, saying she works and earns her own money.

When it was suggested her son could work too she said she preferred him to focus on his studies. He gets a brand new phone and gym membership paid for too, yet doesn't earn a penny himself at 18!

So yes, lazy to just expect handouts, and brattish expecting parity in what is received by the dsd from her own father. Brattish kicking off over the dsd getting the en-suite when she has moved countries and her father pays 70% towards the home.

I think the OP should be looking at her own son if she wants to keep making spiteful, bitchy posts about this young woman.

No, I actually think it’s entirely the OP’s issue. I guarantee the 18 year old boy does not know what Van Cleef is nor Louboutins.
The DD is always going to have more money because she’s choosing to work, the OP’s DS chooses not to and as an 18 year old must surely understand he will have less money?

No, it’s isn’t the responsibility of stepparents to pay, and what’s indecent is expecting it of them.

OP is the one that chose to expose her children to this dynamic, knowing that finances would be kept separate, and she was the one responsible for providing financial her children. Not that he hasn’t provided for them - they live in a mortgage free house that OP’s husband paid the majority towards. They also get their phones paid for via the joint account. She was and is free to walk away.

I don’t know what the sons do or don’t feel, but what they feel is something they should take up with the one responsible for them - their mother.

Yep, it could very well be that the sons are perfectly happy with their set up. It reads more like OP is using her sons as an excuse to air her own grievances. I wonder if the husband is buying her what he’s buying his daughter? Or maybe she’s resentful that the daughter isn’t in the same position she was at that age (‘if I struggled, so should you!’). The credit card issue seems largely to be based on the fact that OP doesn’t have access to it.

His money, his daughter it’s for him to decide not u.

Neither of them from the sounds of things. Why has no one moved out of the comfortable family home in London offering free food, travel, gym and iphones? (That's a trick question btw.)

Arguably, OP's son is going to find himself more at odds with his peers than the DP's daughter if anything. Anyone choosing a career in "wealth planning" at 18 is probably moving in different circles from the average uni student, whereas living at home and using your student loan for luxury spending is going to put a kid very much at odds with his friends, unless the friends are also very spoilt.

I'm sure there are people who live like this but it all sounds ridiculous to me.

But if he dies, she could get everything couldn't she? Play the grieving widow and cry that the DD is capable of supporting herself but poor widowed mum of 2 needs to be kept in the life she is accustomed to then chuck her out to spend her inheritance on a house.
But maybe that's not it. He hasn't given Op access to his credit cards so maybe he just wants to give his daughter things from his own money that he has leftover from bankrolling OP and her kids.

With things like the credit card currently his showing he still financially supporting her.

All in the daughters favour of the op tried to play funny cards. Probably another reason she’s on it and the ops not.

I think OP (while perhaps hasn’t articulated herself particularly well) has a point - they may not have blended when they were younger but they have now and most importantly are living under the same roof. The “children” SHOULD be treated equally from the point they became a blended family or there will be resentment. What happens at Christmas, when one child opens thousands of pounds worth of gifts and the others get much less? This is something that should have been addressed before moving in together but obviously wasn’t.
Giving an 18 year old seemingly unlimited spending power is crazy. It’s not teaching her anything about budgeting or real life, and she may well end up with money problems later in life because of it.

The money left by her mother is irrelevant, there could be other inheritances for any of the children down the line from either side of the family and nobody would expect them to be equal, however when you marry someone with children and all move in together it is fairly reasonable to expect them all to be treated the same within their home.

How strange that this brand new poster, who just so happens to agrees with the OPs point of view, created their account just 30 mins after the OPs last ever post.

The cynical amongst us may think this is more than a coincidence 👀

Treated the same is perfectly well and good when you both earn within a few grand of each other.

Otherwise your expecting a new step parent to fully finance a full upgraded life style.

I think the daughter will be perfectly fine financially. She’s working in finance, if she ever does use her dad’s card she pays it off in full. Seems she has her head screwed on.

Unlike the op. She moved in with a much richer man who’s footing 70% of the bills and the bigger share of the nice new bigger house. Op and her children are already being nicely subsidised.

Any type of step family issue is purely because the op went into this purely with her begging bowl out thinking what she might be able to get out of him rather than thinking like a grown up that there will obviously be differences because only a bloody idiot would think someone would take on late teenagers and suddenly finance every penny of their lives.

Now she’s mad sad disappointed and jealous that 70% isn’t enough because her children don’t get dropped on them as gifts what the daughter does. Gifts the value wise she will of grown up getting. So she wants her begging bowl filled for her children or her step daughter made Cinderella to make things fair.

The husband (still hoping op just wrote that and he wasn’t stupid) has already offered much to the ops NO! To stop paying for anything for the children out of the joint account and they all pay privately personally. But then op would be paying her own sons phone and gym bills 🤣

But they'd get presents from their father whilst she won't as her mother is dead.

Are people completely ignoring the fact these boys have another parent who is quite capable of buying them gifts whilst all this girl has is her Dad.

So at Christmas when they go off to their Dad's and get double the presents she just gets reminded that her mother is dead and she's stuck with a gold digging step mother who resents her existence

Green with jealousy is what I get from every post @Asofcati.
IF indeed your dh is a dermatologist he will be well captured into the beauty luxury trap which goes with designer and outward appearing extravagance.
You could try being proud of her degree apprenticeship route.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - how families and finances operate is entirely up to the individuals involved. The ‘children’ are the responsibility of their respective parents, and if that’s something OP doesn’t like she had and has the option to not continue the relationship. She can’t however demand that her DH change to suit her, because he won’t. She gets to choose between accepting it, or leaving with what she came in with.

This is the girl’s ’real life’. It’s a different reality to that of OP and her sons, but it’s no less real, and her lifestyle reflects her means and those of her father.

A teenager having unlimited access to credit is also not crazy if they’re also taught responsibility and budgeting, and instilled with the willingness to put the work in order to provide the same lifestyle for themselves. Clearly this girl hasn’t gone crazy on dad’s credit card, and has no problem reimbursing him for what she’s spent. She’s also working in wealth management alongside doing a finance degree - I don’t think you need to worry about her having budgeting problems in future, she seems pretty set up for success.

Yeah, she's the only one who agrees with op, and keeps obsessively posting. Op btw I'm still waiting to hear more about your friendship with the dh before the wife died.

Only if he explicitly leaves it to her, or she’d get a majority share should there be no will. I do not doubt that a man as financially literate as he is, has a will though, and he’s apparently not willing to fund her beyond housing costs and a set amount he puts in the joint account, which suggest the former is also unlikely.

I also strongly that suspect that at the very least there was either an prenup signed, and/or trust funds established before he remarried.

I don’t recall the OP even mentioning her DCs father, so I’m not making any assumptions either way on that one.

She did say her DH said DSD had OFFERED to pay it herself but he had declined, so we have no way of knowing if she would pay it off in full every month or not, very much depends on how much she’s spending against her income. Just because she’s working in finance means nothing - I know several people who in their line of work advise clients on their finances but their own are a complete mess. My own included from the ages 18 - 25.

OP actually says that they agreed before the two went off to uni what they would be paying for and then she found out her husband has been giving his daughter WAY more behind her back.
He can obviously give his daughter whatever he likes however it’s a bit shit to agree to something with your wife and then go behind her back to do something else.

This is something that should have been fairly predictable and have been discussed in full before they married / moved in together to give either of them the opportunity to walk away.

It's his DD, starting out in her working life, when appearance means gaining confidence at work in a bank and doing well at work.

And, she has lost her DM.

Cut them both some slack, I'd say.

No, she said she uses the credit card for the points then makes a transfer from her account, but sometimes he tells her not to. So yes, she has demonstrated willingness and ability to reimburse him.

OP hasn’t said that she’s spending beyond her means, or is in any financial difficulty. What OP has said, that she’s doing a degree and working to build an excellent career alongside that, doesn’t suggest a woman in trouble. So while, yes, it could go wrong (and the same can be said for anyone from any socioeconomic background), the risk of that seems pretty low.

I also had access to a parental credit cards at that age, and I’ve never been in financial difficulty. Quite the opposite, actually. Much like I’m inclined to believe this girl will do, I built on those foundations provided for me. I know many other trust funds kids that have done the same, and ime they outnumber by far those that fit the tired trope of spoiled rich kid pissing it all away.

They did agree, but given they have largely separate finances OP really shouldn’t have been attempting to have a say over what he spends his money on. Op says she found out - does that mean he told her? If so, he gave her what she was owed.

They can still both walk away now. That has no bearing on the fact that she knew she was moving in with and marrying a man that wasn’t going to consider her sons his children, or treat them as if they were. That’s on her.

Yes. Whether he's spoiling her a little because he's uprooted her life, the money is part of an inheritance from her mother, or this is the standard of living they've always had and can continue to afford, it's really none of your business because it's his personal money.

She has the only other bedroom with an en-suite - is the other option that one of your sons would get the en-suite and she would share a toilet with the other son? In that case, if I were her father, I'd also insist that she have her own.

If she is going into private banking and your son is going into history (academia?) then you should start getting used to her always having more money than him.

I understand wanting to give your sons everything that your SD has, but you have combined families when the teens are almost adults and have built this life where finances are separate, so you're just going to need to let go of any resentment.

Wrong. They agreed what to cover for the kids from the JOINT ACCOUNT.

Do you also believe a step parent's income should be considered for CMS purposes?

Can’t say I’ve given it much thought, but no I don’t think so - I feel these children should be treated equally as they’re living in the same home as a blended family. If the DSs were living elsewhere I wouldn’t really see the issue as the difference wouldn’t be as apparent.