DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Yes, but agree they did. If he didn’t want to agree / knew he was going to give his daughter his credit card he probably should have given her the heads up - if only for her to consider if she was able to give her son more.

Also the son’s student loan was probably negatively impacted by the household income coming from his stepfather.

But nowhere does it say they agreed that would be the ONLY thing they covered for their children. I can’t see anywhere they agreed they wouldn’t spend anything else on their own children.

Thats what they would be covered from the joint account. The joint account that he pays more into.

If the son’s loan was negatively impacted, that’s more than made up for since his step father pays 70% of all the things the Op listed. Op only covers 30% of the cost of these things they agreed to pay for.

Not really my arena but don’t you need to look quite posh and dressy for that sort of role in a private bank?

Not the stepfather’s problem, or something he’s required to compensate for. OP was and is the one responsible for considering the impact on her children, knowing that her new husband wouldn’t be treating them as his own children. He’s being generous enough as the majority contributor to the joint account, as well as the home they live in and the associated bills.

They agreed what would be funded from the joint account, not his private one. It’s not OP’s business if he chooses to spend his personal money on his daughter, and she’s not owed information about that. She doesn’t need to know what he’s doing in order to make independent decisions for her children.

But why should she be given anything when she works?

Why should your kid be given anything when he DOESN’T work??

If anything, it’s the daughter who should be a bit miffed. Up until 2 years ago, 100% of her father’s cash was spent on the two of them. Now, a fair chunk is being spent supporting his girlfriend and her 2 children.

It’s also very generous that the agreement should things not work out and the house is sold is a 50/50 split of profits given he put up more deposit. The norm would be a split of profit in the same proportion as the split of deposit.

Perfectly stated.

This and also you're lucky the joint account is paying them the same in respect of the things you mention given he earns a lot more such that he's effectively subbing you for a child that isn't his.

The only sensible answer on here

There is no response to the many people who have asked if the boys' father makes any payments to them. Would people feel different if that was answered? If he is a deadbeat dad, would people still expect the OPs husband to shell out for them? Or would it be pointed out that he, the actual father, ought to?

The OP didn't want to know if she was being unreasonable at all, she just wanted people to agree with her.

No it's not at all. Girl doesn't have unlimited spending power. She's working. When they open xmas gifts...no need for dramatics. i highly doubt the son will understand or care about loboutins. Maybe ops husband is actually buying similar gifts, anyway, for Xmas, how do you make this assumption.

This isn't a blended family, it's two adults having to live together as parents decided to cohabit. That's it. From the way op talks about this girl, she clearly resents her and doesn't think she's her family. Everyone in the thread caught up to it.