DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Right.. grabby 🙄

I didn’t say any of what you have assumed I just said this lady has come on here for advice and you’ve all jumped on her & quite viciously.

If you live together as a family then yes I believe if could be spread more equally but that doesn’t mean the daughter has to take a significant cut in her lifestyle, I agree that would be unfair. I said I have no answers here. Honestly do you not all have anything better to do than try to pick arguments !

They have their phones, gym and travel to and from college paid for. That's more than most 16 and 18 year old's would get. Especially if they didn't want to even get a part time job while studying which both of them could easily do. The OP's boys must have a ton of free time that the DD doesnt have because she is working and studying.History degrees are not time consuming.

The most staggering bit in all of this is that you think that the £24k this young woman is earning in a degree apprentice is an amazing amount of money. It’s minimum wage.

Where is your sons father in all of this?

Also if you want your son to have more money he should get a job while he’s at uni like tens of thousands of young people do every year. And as a recruiter believe you me you can tell the graduates that have never worked a day in their life before from a mile off. You’d be doing him the biggest favour possible by supporting him to work.

I agree. I had to check the original post again to see if the couple was married because of the “his daughter” references, not “my step daughter”. She clearly resents her, even though her son is able to live rent free and not work while studying. I think this is a good case of a dad who is still very involved and supportive in his daughter’s life. I am one of those MNetters who has no time for mediocre men so he should be given credit.

My daughter worked almost full time during her degree in a role where she was sometimes verbally abused. She has a good graduate job now, so it didn’t affect her studies.

Yes I do see this side also, like I said I don’t have the answers but the way the women have jumped on this mum saying I think your resentful of the daughter..jeez honestly. As I said it’s like tattle on here !!

Plenty of people manage 20+hrs a week at a job and studying at University. My sister did it. I did it (years ago), my niece is doing it. It’s not hard - it just takes motivation and a desire not to be a sponge.

@TopshopCropTop to be fair it is not minimum wage for an 18 year old, it is significantly above that.

His money so he can do what he likes, but he's on track to have her expecting this for life as she sounds very spoiled.

I mean if you call your husband’s daughter “a little spoilt princess” then people are going to assume you’re resentful.
The Op was in control of her own words.

And moreover it’s exactly what OP’s stepdaughter is doing - a full time job and studying.

Would he want a job? You can’t really complain she is making money and has more of it whilst you’re saying you don’t want him to work. Your only other options are to give him money from your personal account or accept he’s not working so gets a limited amount. YABU to think it’s unfair your DH gives his DD extra just because you can’t afford the same

Personally I would chat to him about maybe getting her to put a bit of her wages aside in a savings account each month so it's not all just fun money, maybe £200/300 just to learn a bit about the benefits of saving and work towards future independence.

In saying that on one side of my family a few of my cousins are very well off, had very nice cars bought for them at 17, designer clothes, top boarding schools and then lived in their parents city house while in Uni. We thought they'd be destroyed and spoilt but to be honest they are now incredibly hard working, high earners like their parents (very jealous of their lifestyles but they work hard and smart). My uncle did teach them about the value of money and they saw how hard he worked for it so I think while they didn't have the part time jobs or have to save they had a good example at home which they followed once they qualified. They are actually really nice adults. Two of my friends are the same, the most "spoilt" in our group in Uni and now the highest earners.

It sounds like she is embarking on a high earning career I think she will probably end up like your partner, work hard and enjoy spending it!

Also the bathroom thing should never have been a dispute - two boys, one girl - the girl gets their own bathroom!!

Sorry OP you aren't coming across well here.

Your DHs daughter sounds like she is doing well. She's chosen a well paid career path.
She's lost her mum and been though a lot. Her dad wants to treat her.
She's also his only child. When you have 1 child, spare money goes further than when you have 2. It is not her fault she is doing better financially than her step brothers.

Your son can also definitely get a job. Being busy with studies is not an excuse. Thousands of youngsters have had a job and a degree.
If you want DH to spend more money on things you do together, tell him.

Yes and I agree they have a comfortable life too but that wasn’t my point.

..and I don’t think you can presume about the history exam.

Resentful.

Tell us more about your friendship with this men before the wife died.

Also 'She has the en suite bedroom' and she earns a 'bonkers' amount of money. Neither of which have anything to do with her father buying her stuff. She gets an ensuite because she is the only girl and her employer has decided to be decent and pay her more than the apprenticeship wage. Its not coming out of the OP's pocket.The post was dripping with resentment and its nasty.

Not really, I think it's nice he is treating her well and it sounds like his way of showing his love is through gifts.
A lot of fathers run from their kids these days or don't care for them.
Seems like a nice guy.

@RandomWordsThrownTogether Personally I would chat to him about maybe getting her to put a bit of her wages aside in a savings account each month so it's not all just fun money, maybe £200/300 just to learn a bit about the benefits of saving and work towards future independence.

i’m sure getting a very competitive and prestigious apprenticeship degree in wealth planning at a private bank means she’s aware of the benefits of saving!

Perhaps all three are lovely and quite different and we can’t really say much in that regard.
I would agree that being lucky enough to do a degree apprenticeship puts you in a great position, but not necessarily making anyone a better person than doing uni. Working in a seperate job while dealing with uni is very different stress wise to working within a degree apprenticeship that allows time for studying.

We don’t know what happened leading up to the two children ‘s parents split and the aftermath of what they are now dealing with. Living between two homes with varying circumstances and values is often stressful and not a walk in the park.

I wonder how the three children feel with the home set up and divided finances as they go about their daily lives together as family,? it’s quite reasonable and actually lovely that OPs partner is generous with his daughter and reasonable that Op is generous with her two and supportive of their decisions to focus on study as they will be working for the rest of their life soon enough.

I hear where you are coming from OP.she is totally spoilt and having her salary as spending money. However, she is your husband's daughter and the funds are coming out of his personal funds so you don't get to have a say in this.

This is an example of the compromise involved in blended families.
Take care OP

Disagree with post being nasty

Thousands of students have PT jobs and work more in the holidays

See ! Why are you on here!!! Pure nastiness. Honestly go spend your time on tattle !!!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Parent has funds and wants to share with own child.
Why would he withhold money from his own daughter? It's absolutely nonsense to automatically assume this would turn her into a spoiled young lady.
If the parent can afford it and wants to, then there's nothing stopping the parent helping out for as long as they want.
Clearly the daughter has a very sensible plan that she is working on.

I hope you both have clear wills with regards your home and respective children inheriting.