DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Wow ! I came on here to look at something all together different and saw the post and responses. Honestly if you come on here and want anything other than brutality don’t bother !!

I think how you feel is completely understandable. As a family you want to feel a team and for everyone to be treated equally but this is obviously not the case. This site is becoming like tattle !! Honestly the same people must reply day in day out as I see responses from these people that not only lack understanding, but are also in judgement because you are in a privileged position (or are you and you haven’t just worked hard but anyway). Honestly don’t expect any kindness from here !

It sounds to me that yes it is unfair as one sibling if you like, is being treated unfairly, but not quite sure how you solve that in your position. I don’t have any answers but maybe look elsewhere for advice !

Well if you have separate financials I suppose he can give her any money he wants? You say your can’t do the same with your kids - then don’t - you say she’s spoiled so not doing this to your kids - isn’t that what you want?

Do you get on with her? What is your relationship like?

I don't understand the comment about it being bonkers that she earns a living....surely this is a good thing? She seems very motivated for 18. If he was funding her living a bum lifestyle I would get it but I don't understand your gripe with this.

I would tread carefully, from your partners POV I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

He can and should treat his daughter however he wants , it’s from his own ‘personal/fun’ money. If you want Tiffany jewellery , tell him. I’m sure he will get you something. He earns more so he spends more and he chooses to spend it on her. If he pays all that he’s agreed with you towards your joint expenses , whatever is left is for his use , at his discretion. If you want to revise that figure , talk to him. But you can’t police what he spends his money on.

So if he put more money in the house and gets 1.5 bedrooms compared to your 2.5 bedrooms I don’t see a problem. If I were in the same position I’d absolutely expect my own child to get the en-suite, especially if the others were opposite sex. I love ‘spoiling’ my now adult children and they’re level headed, hard working individuals who appreciate the treats but never expect them. I wonder if it’s actually an element of guilt that you can’t do the same for your own children (who also seem very well provided for btw) and you’re turning this into an element of resentment. You need to let it go as if you start showing your resentment and dissatisfaction he’d be perfectly justified in deciding you’re not someone he wants in his/his daughter’s life

This is only a problem because you chose to move your children in together.

None of the children should be treated any differently by their own parent than they would have been if the move had never happened. Otherwise you are basically asking for them to resent their step parent.

You have separate finances for a reason and you don’t get to decide how much he spends on his daughter. If you make this into an issue you will only create drama and cause your step daughter to dislike and distrust you. If your son is upset by the situation and you want to rectify it then take him out of it. Don’t try and change things for other peoples children.

Qhwther married or not, earning the same or not, bringing the children together later or not, I am with you OP and think its tricky to navigate when you arecall sharing a home. If you lived separately it may be easier. No words of wisdom but wantwd to share a different perspective. You are neither separate nor together on this and with the kids in the house i do think that makes for tricky situation if you want to support your families to be connected.

I am confused.

You say you can’t give your kids the same. But also that she is spoilt.

So you wouldn’t give your kids the same if you could?

You sound jealous of you stepdaughter. She is working and earning her money. I cannot see why your son, while studying history, can't get a part time job. Imagine losing your mum at age 10, have some compassion and empathy.

I wonder what he would think if he knew that this is how you view him spending his own money on his daughter, he is her only parent. He paid a bigger proportion for the house, his daughter is the only girl, of course she should have the room with the en-suite, your sons can share a bathroom.
Hopefully he never finds out how you really feel. You need to focus on your own children, teach them to self sufficient and get part time jobs!

@Lucie390 they started sharing a house at 16, they are not siblings in any meaningful way.

ensuite of course, she is woman and your 2 both are men so they can share bathroom etc.

his money, his daughter.

as you say you are already covered in case of split, you have to accept you have 2 and he has one kid.

why compare her designer stuff to your son who is a man? of course being French and fashion aware, she needs those stuff.

not sure this relationship is headed in a good direction if you have these non-issues.

No I appreciate that but in a blended household it would be nice to treat the kids fairly and equally as you would siblings

Wow, not your call at all. He can spend his money on his daughter and it doesn’t need to be equal at all. You’re responsible for your dc and he’s responsible for his dd. Your attitude is rude to his dd though.

my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing

WTH. She has her wage because she earns it! Why didn’t your son get a degree apprenticeship if he wanted that money??

It is highly unpleasant that you begrudge an 18y girl money. She lost her mum aged ten and nothing will ever make up for that. I am so close and supportive to my 18y girl. I feel so sad for this girl who has navigated her teen years without maternal love and support. She sounds bright and motivated. So what if her dad treats her. She deserves it.

Is it really nice for a 16 year old to suddenly have a lower lifestyle because her dad’s new GF/wife has 2 almost adults who he’s expected to support also?
Why can’t their father make up the difference?
The DH is already providing a much nicer house than the OP could afford.

In hindsight, you perhaps should have saved moving in together when all the children were independent.

You either go along with it or you have to separate.

I spoil my adult children a bit, as much as I can afford to. They are respectful and honest and I love making them happy. Hell would freeze over before I allowed a bloke who wasn't their father to tell me how to spend my money or how to treat my children. I think you should mind your own business.

That doesn't seem particularly fair on him..

Usually you would own the property in unequal shares in this situation so if he put in 3x the deposit you did, he would get proportionately more of the profits not split the profits equally.

Essentially you're investing less but getting the same return as him.

But I suspect you know that. The whole post is basically a whinge that he isn't as much of a meal ticket for you and your kids as you want

I dunno. If my dad moved in with a woman and her sons when I was 16 and told me I’d have to be treated the same way as her sons I think I’d have been put out.

Not only are they not siblings, they didn’t grow up together either.

Why can’t they each parent their own kids as they wish and can afford. All three kids sound like they are doing well by average standards in any case.

If the DH wants to spoil his only child who lost her mother as a child let him.

You write like the jealousy is coming from you rather than your boys - your husband is not using your income so I don't see the issue. With inheritance tax changes likely its better she spends his money now than pay it in tax!

His money, his child.

I think he could do with losing his resentful new wife though.

yes, hence my q about why an 18 yo boy would care about Tiffany jewellery etc etc. only a woman would, the op, for herself.

mentioning ds is a red herring.

I worked during my degree, so did a lot of people. We didn't get overwhelmed or lose track of our studies. Some people don't have the choice and have to work as well as studying.

I'm surprised that he isn't insisting she saves x% of her earnings when she is on that salary and living rent free