DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

You have separate finances so you don’t have to keep it even as his spending doesn’t affect you.

The girl lost her mum when she’s little, she’s her dads only child, of course he wants to make sure she’s comfortable, that doesn’t make either of them bad people. They just have more money than you. She’s got a job and she’s studying at 18 which sounds quite sensible to me.

Christ I’d come back to haunt Dh if he shacked up with someone who resented him giving things to our DD. The way I see it he’d be giving on my behalf too (even though I’m dead). Who else is he going to give it to?

Interesting you weren’t crying about fairness when he was putting more towards the house. You were happy with uneven amounts then, but now he should either just spend less on his child or spend less in order to give to your kids, who aren’t his.

I’m assuming she got the room with the en-suite because she’s the only girl in the family which seems reasonable to me.

Why the rude comments about the daughter? She must have worked hard to get an apprenticeship at a bank. Also as for the ridiculous sums of money she is earning, it's generally well known that investment and private banks pay very well. I presume she didn't just walk into the apprenticeship because of amazing connections. Also she lost her mum at 10. Your sons still have you! I can totally understand why you are jealous for your sons but as you just paid for the latest iphone for one of them, he doesn't really appear to be struggling either. You can only call her a spoilt princess if she is being rude/ungracious or demanding not just because she's got a very good apprenticeship and her father happens to be very generous.

This. Separate finances means exactly that, you can both spend your money as you wish.

So it sounds like you are living in a home you couldn’t afford by yourself (I’m assuming he could have afforded it by himself). Honestly stop with the resentment before it wrecks your relationship.

Aren't degree apprenticeships extremely competitive? She must have worked really hard to get one of those surely? Resenting her scoring one of those seems wrong.

I don’t understand why you think it’s unfair that his daughter had more money than your son - she has it because she has a job. Your son could also chose to get a job.

what is your logic on why it is unfair?

I you're married then the money should be shared IMO, none of these BS comments about it being his money. I'd want to be doing more for my son and making things fairer.

That's just my opinion.

You and your sons probably live in a bigger/nicer house than you afforded alone given he earns more than you and contributed more to the property, so his generosity was fine when it benefited you and yours? If your son wants more and you can't or won't sub him he needs to get a job.
This girl is working and studying and presumably not accruing loans by doing an apprenticeship - sensible and smart, with a good work ethic. That doesn't sound like someone spoilt to me. She lost her mother and her father can afford it. Not sure what the issue is.

To be fair your children aren't doing too badly either.
As you got together when they are almost grown up I think it's too late to think about them being treated the same. I think you can only each do what you can for your own children. As long as he's being fair about general expenses he can do what he likes with his own money.
While you are partners you are not really a merged family bringing up children together, they are practically grown up and in a few years will be independent. If he continues to help her out that will be his choice.

I think it is lovely that your partner is generous with his adult daughter, bless her, the two of them experienced the devastating loss together of her mum, and sounds like they share a tight bond.

What I don’t think is great is the seperate finances and the lack of sharing with you, his life partner . I feel the same as PP that I couldn’t be happy in such an arrangement, where it is like living as house share buddies rather than life partners.

There's nothing wrong with a father treating his daughter (adult or not) to nice things.

Also, to add, I think this attitude you have directed at his DD is really out of order. This issue is between him and you, she's not a "princess" just because her dad is choosing to spend a lot of money on her

I would be upset with him, not her. He's your husband, she's basically just a child/young adult

Why are people saying they're not married... It's DH, not DP, right?

I don't have a huge opinion on this one, but if they are married then the OP has a leg to stand on here. If they are just living together with separate finances then no.

She sounds great. Degree apprenticeships are highly sought after and competitive.

She sounds like she’s got her head screwed on despite losing her mum and moving countries in her teens. You just sound like you don’t like her very much.

She is earning money and not a loan then she should be paying rent

You're jealous of a father loving his daughter. It sounds like you're all well off so maybe get some therapy to explore why you feel in competition with your step-daughter.

"AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?"

Yes it is. It's not a relationship I'd choose to be in because it's not a characteristic I could respect.

But, if I did, I'd handle it by reminding myself we have separate finances and he's paying this out of his personal money and is not expecting me to contribute to it so it's really none of my business. I'd also make sure it didn't become my problem by making it perfectly clear that he could do whatever he liked with his money but he'd better never ask me to cover even one penny of his expenses because he's chosen to spend all his money on his daughter.

I would also tell my children, if they complained, that life is not fair. You've got what you've got and he's got what he's got. You've chosen to keep your finances separate so they need to respect that.

Making it fairer by getting another man to pay for her adult children, when they already have a father presumably?

Controversially, I’m not sure it’s her that is the spoilt one….

well Im guessing there will be a point where this equal supporting ends, which Im assuming is when they finish Uni/training and get their first jobs.

By which time your second son will need supporting from the family pot - so in a way maybe his single daughter will ultimately 'cost' the same as your two boys?

We’ve had separate finances for our whole relationship. It’s worked for us for 26 years of marriage.

You don’t sound like a nice person at all.
This young woman has lost her mum at a very young age, she is doing well for herself studying and working. How can you begrudge her father wanting to make sure she is comfortable?

I was thinking the same thing.