Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

I'm really impressed OP. You have handled this well and done the right thing for yourself and your girls.

Therapy is a great idea. 🌷

Why your house vs his dads...

Because 'I live with my girlfriend' sounds infinitely better than 'I live with my parent'.

Thats it. And really, not a lot has changed as he is barely contributing to his food costs at yours and absolutely nothing else and I bet his Dad is still funding him in return for 'help'... so he is a mooching freeloading bell end.

Lodger who I assume sometimes provides sex.

You've done the right thing - hopefully he will fuck off quietly and not give you a load of shit for kicking him out. I'll be surprised though.

DO NOT let him back in, don't let him bully you or 'blow up your phone' or tell you a load of nasty stuff ot make you feel like shit so you accept him back.

Men are not all like that, that isn't normal behaviour in a proper relationship and if he thinks it is... ugh, theres really no saving him. Bet he watches Andrew Tate videos and thinks Tate is wonderful.

Agreed, point taken.

He's found himself a 'landlady with benefits ' situation .

That's what he's happy with, but you want a relationship, you're on different pages, you're incompatible.

Send him back to live with daddy.

Sorry, I missed your update.

When I read this I really did think it was some kind of joke post.
This really is a scraping the bottom of the barrel relationship. I'll bet he didn't give a monkeys that you chucked him out.

be ready for the love bombing.
Or the nice and nasty cycle
or the promises that will come to nothing
or the anger
and the insults
or the simply ignoring and trying to carry on as if nothing was said so you have to dump him again, in person.
and back to the love

oh and be ready for the MH crisis. The suicide threat. That is a common one - advice is to call an ambulance. after all, you are not a psychiatric nurse, and even if you were, you would not be allowed to treat him, and as its 99.99% bluff the ambulance crew are quite used to bollocking manipulative bellends for time wasting.

What DID you see in this man child? Sounds like a teenage boy of 18 who’s just got his green light to go out drinking legally.

Please be mindful of who you move in with your children in the future. No man is worth this, especially not a waste of space one like that!

Sounds like a lodger or else like how a former couple are when they seperate but have to live in the same house!

And then he's calling you needy??
No fuck that.
I'd be getting rid of him!

I’m glad you have told him to go and really hope you stick to your guns when the inevitable pathetic begging and/or nastiness starts from him.

I am however just a bit confused.
You sound intelligent and capable OP- how on earth did this self absorbed waste of space ever feel like a good choice to live into your daughters’ home? He doesn’t even sound worthy of a shag every now and then but live in step dad/partner material? A million times No.

You have been bankrolling the local Casanova whilst he goes to the gym, drinks at the pub and treats you and your kids like an inconvenience. What possessed you?

Please make sure he is no longer in your life and after that look for some therapy going forwards. Your kids need you to make better choices.

He’s probably out shagging his fan girls while he’s telling you he’s at the gym/pub/out for a weekend on the piss.

Its very concerning you have moved this male into your three daughters home. If things feel off its because they are, you need to prioritise your daughter's here. From what you've said he is not acting appropriately at all, sleeping in late, coming and going as he pleases and having no real involvement or contribution. What do your daughter's father think? What have your daughter's said? I see it all the time where mum's boyfriend moves in and ends up abusing the children. What sort of example are you setting for your daughters on a normal healthy relationship or even just a normal male. I plead with you to ask this man to move out he is using you and your home for free accomodation

Maybe he's just used to living with his dad, who didn't expect him to keep company and let him just come and go as he pleased.

I can't believe you're even asking about this or that you've been together for two years. End the relationship and ask him to move out. Do it now.

Well done OP, nice job! Onwards and upwards! 💗

So within 2 hours of posting and asking advice

You have dumped him??

I hope for your daughters’ sake, You really have dumped his arse !!!

OP, you've made the right decision and acted on it before I even got to the end of the thread!
Charming men can fool anyone for a while. When the behaviour changes, it's easy to think that the new behaviour is an aberration, and when you explain what's wrong, normal service will resume.
Sadly, the current behaviour IS his normal.
Enjoy your life without him, doesn't look like you'll be missing much.

So glad to read your update.
I have no doubt he will latch onto someone else and do the same again in no time. You’re well rid of him.

Sounds more like a surly 14 year old than any kind of partner. This is going nowhere. Ask him to leave

Don’t let him wrangle his way back in.

Good on you fof kicking him out.
Now change the locks

He is playing you like a fiddle. You know he's out there fucking everything with a pulse, don't you. Get a STI test.

Also, I would not let this weirdo anywhere near my female children for a start. I'm getting really bad creepy vibes from your description of him.

He’s moved into your house with your 3 children but doesn’t want to spend any time with you?!

He is using you!!!

Perfect.

Never entertain this man again. Set your bar high as an example to your daughters.

Why didn't he stay living with his dad?
Well, his dad probably didn't fuck him.
Sounds like that's the only thing that's different. He lives off you just like he did his dad only now he doesn't need to make any effort to come over to yours for a shag.