Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

Well done op. You weren’t asking for anything unreasonable, you did well to dump him.

Oh my goodness OP, hard to believe this is real.
You absolutely need to get to the bottom of why you would do something so completely against your childrens best interests.

Keep this loser AWAY from your girls and home.

Why are you letting a man use you for a place to stay and whatever else?

And you are making excuses for him not working? I am sure he has a victim story. Who knows the real story but I will give you one : he’s a parasite and probably narcissistic

He views you as so desperate for a man/relationship you will put up with whatever breadcrumbs he offers.

He can’t plan a dinner with you? He just doesn’t like you that much if he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He is just using you for a place to stay, food, sex, etc

As a man it’s a hardwired instinct to protect and provide for a woman , especially with little children. If he’s not wanting to do that he is not a normal man. Stop making excuses.

If you want a family you should get rid of this guy who is using you and find a man with children or a man who really wants his own children and is willing to be step dad.

omg please dont sit down and brainstorm. kick him out

this is abusive op

Nah. I think a solution for this might be for him to pack his bags and lodge his little cock elsewhere…

Glad to hear you are getting this cocklodger out of your family home. Wishing you all the best and hope the therapy gives you the confidence and boundaries you deserve which you can teach to your children x

He's an immature dick! He's in love with himself!

@TheKhakiBee
Well done OP, has he been in touch this eve? Just wondered what his reaction was. No one can say you didn't try with this one, you have done the right thing for you and your girls.

This sounds like someone I knew who was taking testosterone pills. Women were falling at his feet even though he was a compulsive liar and generally weird guy. He was also a gym bunny; I guess that's where he got the testosterone from. It was honestly like seeing women under the influence of a magic love potion from a fairy tale.

You don’t d great!! Well done you for throwing him out! Tomorrow will be a much better day and in a very short while he will be like the dim memory of an STI you caught at university. Shared with everyone, initially pleasurable, annoyingly inconvenient and eventually cured.

Your willingness to take criticism and accept responsibility is a sign that you're way better than this man. You've made a mistake, as we all do, and now you're learning from it, as only some people do.
Wishing you all the very best, OP, take care of yourself and your girls x

I voted you are BU because you're putting up with this crap! Move him and his stuff out A.S.A.P. and don't make such a silly mistake again. You're worth MUCH more than this OP, tell him so as you boot his arse out the door!

Of course he will enter commited relationship and cohabitate even if you have 3 children - you still provide him with shelter food and all he needs. Since he's not working I presume you are his milking cow, he's living how he wants and all on your account. Kick him out the sooner the better he doesn't deserve you and moreover your daughters deserve so much more

I'm male, and even I am going to say he is a cocklodger!
Taking the absolute piss, I wish my better half would let me do that.

Interestingly I recently found out he does steroid cycles.

Ffs. Don't have this as an example for your daughters.

Jesus kick him out. It must be like having a teenager living with you. Absolutely no substance to your relationship whatsoever.

You know... it's ok to be needy.

It is ok to have needs and expectations of a relationship that you want for yourself.

Him saying that you're needy for expecting him to be an active participant in this relationship is a way to gaslight you into thinking you're the one that's going a bit off. You're the one with the problem. You need to check your perspective. All men are like this.

This is absolutely not true and you know it. Your needs matter. He is trying to make you settle for less. He is telling you he is less. Get rid of him and get someone who is more.

I would not want my children around someone like that because of the rages.

Well done.

You've made the right call.

Congratulations on reclaiming your freedom and your happiness!

You aren't the first to be taken in by a man-boy and won't be the last. Don't be hard on yourself. Celebrate that you figured it out.

Congratulations OP.

The first red flag is he doesn't have a job. Don't date anyone without a job or who can't hold a job down.

Different to being between contracts.

Bollocks has she ‘left him’! She has apparently texted him to say she wants him out, means nothing without decisive action. She has let this weasel take the piss for months so there is no way that is the end of it. Guarantee he was back last night after the pub and she will have felt sorry for him. My comments about her being an irresponsible mother still stand. She has been, and she continues to be until he has been eradicated from her home.

Do you really think saying something like this would help the OP and therefore her children who you seem so worried about?

I've been trapped with a gaslighter before and people telling you you're shit only pushes you further into their clutches.

Maybe you should think about the impact of your words before you post

What are you getting out of this relationship? What lesson are you teaching your children?