Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

This sort of behaviour is repulsive to me.

So is the op's behaviour in moving this man into her daughters' home.

Kick him out, you have a cocklodging man child.

He is spending 100% of his time doing what he wants and 0% with you.

If that doesn’t tell you he isn’t interested then I don’t know what will. He’s probably only there for the roof over his head and sex.

Sounds like a cocklodger to me.

This is never going to work

He's not a boyfriend, he's another child. Worse than that he'll probably never grow up!

It sounds like he's not interested in living in a house with kids so he's just using your home as a place to crash. This arrangement isn't too anyone's benefit, especially not your girls.

At the VERY least, tell him
to 'do him' elsewhere.

you owe your girls more than having this cocklodger in their home!

how long was 'everything ok' for before he moved in?

if he doesn't want to spend more time with you, why has he moved in?? ( the answer should be obvious to you!!)

Why are you letting him in? Why are you even allowing him to use yours and your daughters home like a B&B with sexual favours?????

The part I csnt wrap my head around is before he lived here he lived with his dad in his family home and it is a beautiful house - much bigger, nicer etc than mine. It was peaceful and his dad paid for everything there. If he had been living in a horrible place I could understand the idea he's just here for somewhere to stay etc but he already had somewhere much nicer! I can't wrap my head around it.

He does sometimes take my youngest to school and has taken her to the park a few times. He doesn't understand why I would want more from him and says I'm needy.

As other posters have said on other similar threads 'cock comes before kids'.

Do you do his washing?

Just tell him this isn't working for you & to go back to his Dads this weekend.

then decide if you want to keep seeing him or not. I wouldn't myself, it's not going anywhere, so I couldn't be arsed.

Everytime I try to talk about it he says I'm needy, all men are like this, this is what men do etc etc etc. I don't know if gaslighting is the right term but I am honestly questioning myself so much even though I KNOW it's wrong and this isn't the life I want I'm constantly second guessing that maybe I am being needy or asking for too much.

He just isn’t an adult. He doesn’t understand what you’re asking. He lives as a teenage boy, only really focused on himself, he was undoubtedly the same at his dads and he’s just transferred the same 15 year old person into your space.

Tell him to go. He is man child.

So tell him to go.

Does he sleep in your bed.
Don't suppose he had that at his dad's.

The reality probably is that his dad won’t put up with him acting like a lazy freeloading teenager

The assault can’t be affecting him too much if he can be out socialising every day of the week either can it? It sounds like he’s using it as an excuse to be a lay about.

Kick him out before your daughters grow up thinking it’s acceptable for a man to behave like this. They need to see a mother who is treated with more respect.

Did you miss the part where he behaved differently before he moved in?

Parents are allowed to have relationships 🙄

OP, I would be rethinking the relationship. What is the point of him as a partner? He doesn't spend time with you or your kids and then moans that you're needy. FWIW it's definitely not needy to want to spend time with your partner. He's being really weird.

If he's this shit a partner already, he'll only get worse.

OP nicely I think you’re being a massive fool and I also would of kicked him out the minute he said he doesn’t want to settle down and be boring because he doesn’t have kids… hello! You have 3 kids!

Why don’t you put your children and yourself first and move him out.

how long have you 2 been together?

I’m curious to know how long you’ve been together x

You are not needy but you are going to end up believing that you are if he keeps behaving like this and telling you that the issue is that you are needy.

Kick his ass out.

He only actually said that about an hour ago which is what promoted me to make this post. I agree though.

It's fine for him to want that life, but as you said, he can't have it living with you.

He needs to move out. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to split up, but it would be a more casual "dating" thing, which he'd have to put some effort into. But only if that's what you want.

Stop questioning yourself. It's not you. It's him.

You're an adult. He's a man child. Let him go back to his childhood bedroom.