Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

Good now lock the door, leave the key in and spend the evening with your daughters. You have a lot of making up to do and apologises to your daughters for putting them in that situation when they had no choice.

Great update OP.

With respect to you OP, I think you need to ask yourself, what is he bringing to your table? From what you've written he sounds like a complete freeloader! Previously he lived at his Dad's probably buck free. Noŵ he's with you doing much the same! Does he contribute anything to the household budget? I'd be very concerned personally and think you should really consider your long term relationship with him. He's not a very good role model to your DC's either. Think long and hard hun, dont think hes right for you. JMO.

Well done for taking decisive action 👏👏

Now please don’t let him work his way back in with false promises. You’ve seen the reality of who he is - believe him!

YES OP! You've done the right thing xx

and remember that you actually hold all the cards here - you have the house, you have the good income, and you, ultimately, have the say as to whether his 'amazing deal' he has with you comes to an end.

You hold the power here and he should be grovelling to you for what you have done for him, not taking the piss and trying to make you doubt yourself.

If he has your self respect and belief in yourself crumbling after this short period, think of how you will be if he stays longer.

He may be sexy, but my god, there are plenty of sexy men out there. And his dads house is just that - daddys house.

He’ll try and talk you around, but he is so disrespectful in all ways, and such a shitty role model for your dc.

I'm about 5 years older. I don't have any problem getting attention from men. I have very stupidly turned down some absolutely lovely men because I really wanted this one. I can't explain it as I don't understand it myself.

I do completely understand that my children deserve better than this. It is has been 4 months and I have ended the relationship tonight. My girls will be fine and whilst this will ofcourse have affected them in the short term I definitely won't make the same mistakes again. I'm going to get some therapy of my own to work through why I accepted any of this despite seeing the red flags. I guess I thought I could 'fix him'. Stupid I know.

As crazy as this is there are atleast 3 women I know of who have his name tattooed on them - women he has never officially been in a relationship with. I actually think it's the opposite of love bombing. It's a 'give a little bit of attention and then pull back' thing and he has mastered the art of it.

Isn't this exactly what he's doing with you now? He gave you attention, moved in and is now backtracking and spending his time outside the house.

He's living the life of a moody teenager with sex on tap while you do the the adulting.

Well done OP.

While you're at it, get yourself tested for every STD out there. I wouldn't trust the guy to have been faithful to you during the two years he's been with you.

He does sound selfish tbh

He was with you rather than his dad, because he has sex on tap with you and not his dad.

Well done for giving him the boot. You can do better than nothing, which is what he was giving you.

Sorry - missed your update. I think you have done the right thing

Don’t be too hard on yourself though OP. You clearly have some self awareness and you’ve only let it go on for a few months before ending it.
Being overly ‘obsessed’ with a guy is a red flag in itself. Good relationships are supposed to feel calm and safe

Edited to reflect update.
Op well done. You are being walked all over and used. This is no relationship. 4 months In and he's a walking red flag.
Jeesus glad you decided to get rid.

Best decision you will ever make make, OP! Put out the bunting to celebrate along with the bin bags with his stuff in.

You can can do so, so much better than that cock lodger.

I'm not sure what I've just read but you sound like you have another child living with you. That's not BF material, he's taking the royal piss - rent free as well. Why tolerate such nonsense. You gaining nothing from this union..

@MustBeGinOclock you need to read the update and keep up. She HAS dumped him.

I found him physically attractive in the beginning, I don't anymore. His behaviour changed my perception of him even physically. Plus all the taking topless photos in the mirror posing etc just a massive turn off. That update was my attempt as explained why I, like many other women, have initially been drawn in by him.

Cocklodger / freeloader. Your house is his hotel with some sex on the side presumably

Well done for telling him to leave. Now is the time to work on yourself a little to discover why you’d put up with such poor treatment.

I think many of us have. at some time, tried to 'fix' rubbish men. I mean its what the media seems to suggest is our role.
Id take a look at the Freedom Programme - you can do it online, or in person. It really shows how society backs up alot of the really dreadful ideas that prop up awful behaviour and attitudes towards how relationships work.

So he’s living rent free?! Do you have ‘mug’ tattooed on your forehead?!

Just read that you’re kicking him out. Brilliant!

I understand you OP - so glad that you saw him for what he is

An unemployed man who spends his time posting on social media would turn me off as well 😄