Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

You are being a completely irresponsible mother. You have brought a selfish free-loading cocklodger into your children’s home. He is not remotely interested in you or them - how do you think that is going to affect their happiness, self-esteem and view of relationships? If you have any consideration for your poor daughters, you need to kick him to the kerb THIS WEEKEND. Stop being a complete idiot.

Maybe read the thread before gnashing your teeth? Op has left him.

Well to be fair you haven’t put up with it for very long.

Good luck, onwards and upwards ☘️

1.Give him a couple of bin bags and tell him to fill them with his stuff and he's got an hour max to leave. Make sure you get keys etc. NO discussion, no arguments. Just repeat ' you've got to go'.

He's brought it on himself. No being nice and letting him ;
eat,
wait until tomorrow
wait until he's sorted out a place to live
wait until he's got a job
let him prove he's changed etc etc.

DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY

*If he's out, fill the bags yourself and pop a note on saying it's over, not working for you - 'it's just how women are'. Leave the bags on the front doorstep.' Any big things, furniture if any, can be collected tomorrow at eg 2pm whenever you can manage.' Put them out. No need to answer the door. I'm sure one of his mates will take him in. Not your problem.

Your children will be eternally grateful.

You will have added years to your life expectancy.

NB If you have any suspicion he may be violent wait until he's out as above.*

Even the fact that he’s in the pub while you’re sat at home with your kids OP is so telling. You’ve done the right thing and you will find a decent man that is much more aligned with your lifestyle.

Well done OP, going forward, be aware of people who are “charming” - it’s a type of acting / manipulation to get them what they want.

Well done!

When does he go out looking for paid work?

All men are not like this. My husband and I spend a lot of time together, we go on walks, we chat, we snuggle on the sofa, he's my best friend. He enjoys spending time with me. What's the point in having a relationship with someone and not get any of your needs met? It's weird that he lives with you and your daughters yet doesn't really exist in your lives.

Aha, I should have read the updates. Well done OP.

Well done TheKhakiBee, what a positive message you've given your girls about standing up for yourself and not tolerating being treated badly.

Onwards!

Topless photos in the mirror!? How old is he?! I'm fairly sure that's what young teenagers do, not grown men. At least no self-respecting grown men.

Bin. Your kids deserve better than this sponge in their life

Ohh just seen you've kicked him out! Good.

Well done. A hard decision I’m sure. But you have done the right thing.

Well done for kicking him out, he's a waste of space & you deserve better!

Do you really think that's what she should do? He moved in and literally treats the place like he's a lodger.

I’ve only read the op’s posts , but well done on ending it. He was living the life if a single man, not a partner.

Well done ending it!! Goodbye to the cocklodger who acts like a teenager.

Doesn’t sound like he brought any positives to the relationship and likely never will.

I voted YABU to let this waste of waste live in your children’s home.

Well done you. If his income is only £500 a month then he's obviously found himself really cheap lodgings and that is exactly how he's acting, like a lodger, not a partner

Is he using you as a stop gap?

Is his DF downsizing from his large house and handing him a lump sum to buy his own place?

Why vague with ages - "he's mid/late 20s and I'm about 5 years older" ?

You should be role-modeling an emotionally healthy respectful and equal relatiosnhip to your DDs - anything less is doing them a disservice and they will set their bar low. What happened to your relationship with their DF?

Hang on, he doesn't live in the biggest house around - his dad's place is big. Your place may well be big. He doesn't HAVE a place.

He's got a lot of muscles because he doesn't work or have any responsibilities and is able to spend his days in the gym - that's doesn't make him an attractive man!

I'm really glad you've told him to go. I don't understand why you let him move in, really, but I certainly don't understand why you let him stay there.

Who is paying his bills, food etc

Cock lodger ...put yourself and your girls needs higher and get rid.

I’m glad you’ve given him the boot but you’ve also been foolish and have put your girls at risk. Did you really need to move him in after a year and a half? Was there no point where you thought ‘Hmm this is an unemployed man who lives with his father, maybe he’s not prime step dad material.’ You really need to think a bit harder before you move another man in.