Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

Send the useless twat back to his dad's, you and your children shouldn't have to be putting up with this. What was your relationship like before you moved in? I find this incredibly weird behaviour, and, no, not all men are like this, which I'm sure you know.

A great body, charm, and a false illusion of gradeur will only take you so far. He sounds like all those shitty alpha influencers.

He is not actually a man though is he, maybe he is bigging himself for 'taking on' your daughters. But he might be talking the masculine talk, but he isnt walking the walk, because thats all about supporting and providing.

He's a kid. And like others I expect his dad was telling him to start growing up, getting his life together and pulling his weight

Sounds more like a Cocklodger...

I feel lost for words after reading your updates.
If you choose this man you are putting him before the welfare of your children.

So hes sexy op?? If he's sexy, sleep with him?

He's still a cocklodger as others have said.

Not sure the solution is to be his parent or manager. He role is partner and he has failed.

He's a waste of space and you're a mug. Poor kids.

I think the person who said you have shacked up with the local fuck boy is right. You have three daughters to bring up, don’t make them live in a home with this joke of a man. He might have women throwing themselves at him but he’s no catch. He’s an emotionally unintelligent fuck boy.

He isn’t your boyfriend, he’s your housemate. Does he contribute financially except for food? Does he do any chores around the house? Of course he has a great body - he has plenty of time to go to the gym! Obviously I don’t know him but this doesn’t sound like the life of someone who’s too depressed to work, it sounds like he’s having a pretty good time being unemployed! Being completely honest, is him being super hot the main reason you haven’t kicked him out already?? Your life would barely change if he wasn’t there

Unfortunately prioritising cock over kids is a bit of a theme on MN

I had some sympathy reading about him being assaulted but actually, you need to get rid. Taking his food upstairs and not eating with you sounds like something a moody teenager would do, not a boyfriend!

Are you a lot older and don't get much attention from men or something because your coming across really desperate and throwing your kids under the bus in the process. If you don't want to split up with your boyfriend. What about giving your daughters dad more custody time so that they have a chance of a more stable life and then you can do what you want

This is an absolutely appalling relationship to be modelling to your daughters. Get rid.

so while he is playing all these games, is he supposed to be with you? I mean you say youve seen him do it? Is there something thats making you think you 'won' by being in a relationship (of sorts) with him?
He is no prize.
Let them have a go - he will do the same again as he hasnt grown up and is in the playboy stage.
In fact, apart from living in your home and being supported bu you, dont you realise he is treating you the same way - just offering crumbs as and when he feels like it, moving the goalposts, making you feel insecure. Negging.

move him on for your own, and especially your girl's sake - this in no example for which they are to base their future relationships.

I'm not choosing him. He is currently at the pub. I have just messaged him that I don't want this relationship anymore and he no longer lives here. I've told him I will pack his things and he can arrange someone else to collect them as I dont want to even attempt going over it all with him again. I'm tired of explaining and trying to get him to act right.

I don't know why I have put up with it.

I can't imagine he's good in bed. Selfish people usually aren't and he doesn't sound like he likes op

With the latest update it sounds like you feel youve won being with someone who is desired. Even though you know it is because they think be is wealthy and successful, rather than unemployed and living off his girlfriend or dad

My dds would judge him so hard he wouldn't know which way was up. They'd judge me as well, and I wouldn't blame them

His undiagnosed mental health issues prevent him from working but not at all from socialising. Funny that. 🤔

I would drop a man like that in a heartbeat, he's using you and bringing nothing to the table. My husband works so hard and values our time together, there are other men out there like him op. You don't have to settle for this.

Just seen your update- well done op!

Presumably he doesn't get sex at his dad's home. Or maybe his dad has suggested he move out and start living like an adult.

Well done OP. Keep up your resolve. He will probably try and charm you back but ffs don’t fall for it.

Well done @TheKhakiBee
and for you x

Fair play OP, well done.

Nice one OP - good riddance to him! You'll feel much more settled just you and the girls without his bs