Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

Hopefully he's moved out and you've blocked him? I wonder if he's had a falling out with his Dad and been kicked out of his house (maybe got sick of paying for everything for him). Spending so much time out of the house isn't good. If he's at the pub for that long drinking everyday then he's basically an alcoholic. I'd also wonder if he's seeing other women from your posts about him getting a lot of attention and being distant with you.

I’d tell him to move out.

@TheKhakiBee jeeze oh he sounds like your teenage son
He has moved in so he has more spending on his lifestyle .

Op come on end this now

yeah - NO

You don't want the same things, he is using you as a place to live like a flippin teen.

He doesn't want a family and kids and you have 3

He is not exactly contributing anything at the moment in terms of his share of chores, bills and so on. He is acting like a child and you are acting like his Mum.

Get him out again say its not working, frankly I wouldn't continue with him, what exactly are you getting out of this

How did he take it?

Really glad to read that you've give him the elbow OP, also that you've realised that some therapy might help you realise why you were in his thrall, and hopefully stop you making this mistake again. Wishing you a fabulous future WITHOUT him!😁

Good for you, OP. You don’t need a man child cluttering up your life.

From what you’ve said, I think my DS (16) is more mature than your now-ex. He’s pathetic.

Your boyfriend doesn't really live with you - he sleeps at your house, enjoys the food, the warmth and comfort, and probably the sex. ALL of that without having to contribute a penny.

What do you see in a man who doesn't work, stays in bed until almost lunchtime, wastes his (JSA?) money in the pub, relaxes for hours in the leisure centre, and isn't interested in you OR your children?

Wow good for you OP! He sounds like a selfish manchild.

Doing this is showing your girls you know your worth!!!

How are you doing OP?
Did he try to worm his way back in?

Bye man child 👋. My husband was also seriously assaulted in New Year’s Eve, he was back at work 2 days later, that’s no excuse to act like a teenager.

Well done OP. For future reference, you sound very switched on and you can do a lot better.

OP, my 18 year old son is more mature than this bloke and takes more of an interest/makes more input into family life with me and his little sister. He pays board too! Well done for getting rid of him.