Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

You want a family. He wants to behave like a teenager and take you for granted.

You shouldn't have to spell it out to him, he should want to spend time with you.

Show your girls a great example of not settling for being treated poorly and tell him to leave.

Cocklodger alert
cocklodger alert
cocklodger alert

no but seriously OP WTAF are you thinking? This is madness.

Are you running a hostel?

So he contributes nothing towards the rent or household bills?

Honestly, he’s taking you for a mug and everyone penny you spend supporting him is money you should be spending on your kids. Hes a complete ponce

He sounds nowhere good enough for you OP…or for your children.

The only saving grace is that you are not pregnant or have a child with him.

@TheKhakiBee you came to mumsnet and asked the question. the masses have given you answers and advice! no, you are not being too needy. yes he is most definitely a cocklodger! take the advice and get rid!

You sound incompatible. He's saying loudly and clearly that he won't devote more time and energy to you. Take him at his word.

I would tell him to leave as I can't see this working out happily for you. It is not your job to fix his possible depression/ptsd/mental health issues- he needs to do that for himself.

I cannot understand why youd even have to ask if this was acceptable and you were actually unreasonable.

every penny he costs you is money away from your children.

he has no interest in family life.

move him the fuck out. He can date you out of the house or just end it completely.

and on his income he needs to completely forget about children. He cannot afford one.

"Any advice please...."

Yes, kick him out and stop putting up with his shit.

So, you’ve had almost unanimous responses/advice. What are you going to do?

No offense but there's a reason he was still single and not able to find a relationship with a woman in a similar situation (no kids) he's settled for you because no one else will have him.

He needs to leave so he can do "just him" without you supporting him while he treats your family like crap. His father moved? Why and where?

Value yourself enough to show him the door. It's sad that he might be depressed and traumatized, but he shouldn't take it out on you and your family. He can "look you up" when he gets help and gets sorted and gets a job.

You can have a relationship without living together.

He’s probably laughing his head off about you with his mates in the pub. He’s found a right mug to freeload from.

Raise your standards for the sake of your daughters.

How old are your kids?! How are they feeling about this complete loser moving in to your home and upsetting your dynamic?

Please get rid asap. Do not wait. He's such a terrible example for your daughters.
You are setting them up to accept abusive relationships in adult life.

HOW can you do this to them???

Fucksake OP - is his cock made of gold or something???

he contributes nothing and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to settle down

get rid and stop subjecting your children to this poor example of a man

You mentioned he lived in the family home, which is a large house and his Dad paid for everything. Essentially, he's not used to standing on his own two feet, as his Dad has been bankrolling him. He's immature, and has transferred his 'teenage' attitude from his Dad's home to yours. He doesn't want the responsibility of having a family, and sees family life as 'boring'. He sounds as if he's 15!! You are clearly on very different paths in life, and this relationship is not going to work long-term. He's bringing nothing to your life or that of your daughter's. If he wants the single life, and is not prepared to integrate into your family life, then I see no point in continuing with the relationship. You are not needy, you are a grown adult, with responsibilities. Not all men behave like your partner, and to say that, is ridiculous. He's trying to excuse his crap behaviour by blaming you.

He's not even your partner, he doesn't even spend time with you. Tell him to leave.

Indeed a cocklodger.
He has no interest of the family life you dream of.
Please put your kids first and get rid.
You should never have moved him into your home so quick.

He takes food upstairs? Where?

You need to Marie Kondo him. If he doesn’t spark joy or serve a purpose, throw him out.

So am I right in saying that he’s paying £250 pcm to cover his rent, bills, food, sex and I assume you do all the cleaning and his laundry too? No wonder he’s laughing. Come on, op. Put on your big girl pants and kick him to the kerb.

I bet he manages to find the time to be at home when he fancies a shag doesn’t he?

Even if he is correct (and he's not) that you are needy and this is just what men do, you don't have to live like this. He is not enhancing your life, nor your daughters'. He is making you unhappy and feel bad about yourself. Decide what you want from a partner (I imagine respect, support, some mutually enjoyable time together, laughs) and tell him that if he can't/won't provide this he moves out.