Boyfriend lives with me and my kids but is hardly ever here. I genuinely don't know if I'm right or wrong.

[TheKhakiBee]

Hi all. My boyfriend moved in with us about 4 months ago. Everything was fine until then but since he's lived here the dynamic feels so off and I genuinely do not know what to think.
I have three girls from a previous relationship. He isn't working at the moment. He gets up about 11 most days and goes straight out. He spends 2 or 3 hours at the gym/swim/sauna and helps his dad with some work he's having done (house move, alot to be done). He then might go to the pub or out for food etc. I would say most nights he's back about 7.30/8ish - later if he goes to the pub (once the pub shuts). He will also go out at the weekends drinking.

If he then came home and was present with us I don't think it would be an issue, but he comes in, makes food, takes it upstairs and eats and then stays upstairs all night, watching films etc. He won't come and spend time with us. He does cook tea sometimes but again he cooks and then takes his upstairs. I've asked him to spend more time with us, he doesn't want to.

He says I want too much of his time, he doesn't like to have to plan things, he wants to just 'do him' but he doesn't want to break up? He says he's not got kids yet so doesn't want to settle down as if he has - he doesn't want to be 'boring'. I said that fine, but then you shouldn't have got into a committed, cohabiting relationship with someone with children? I want a family.

Any advice please.

To not drip feed - he went through a very serious assault (home invasion) and hasn't worked since. I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD/depression. I don't hold this against him at all and we're not massively struggling financially I just wish he was present.

About 2 years x

Cocklodger.

Time for him to fuck off.

I’m sorry but I just can’t understand why you invited this person to come and live in your - in your children’s - home.

He’s lying through his teeth. Men do not live like this. Freeloading cocklodging little boys act like this and the longer you tolerate it the more he’ll take the piss.

Don’t let you daughters grow up thinking this is how women get treated - back to daddy’s for this one

All men are not like this at all.

Sadly there are a few crappy ones like this out there. It plays into their hands to pretend everyone is like them, but they really aren't.

My DH was always keen to spend time with me and never made me question or doubt myself.

It's not needy to want a partner who enjoys spending time with you. He's the weirdo here.

He's an immature, cocklodging waste of space and you're setting an awful example of what a relationship looks like to your daughters. Don't bother trying to understand him just get rid.

Send him back to live with his dad. He is acting like a lodger not a partner. Is he contributing to the household at all?

What in the cocklodger is going on here. You need ground rules he has a month and in that time he either needs a job or going to counselling and make a benefits claim as he needs to contribute. You also need to discuss what chores he is going to do and what he is going to bring to the relationship family time wise. If he doesn't like that he knows where the door is. It's not fair on your girls imagine having some bloke who moves in and ignores them

He very realistically could (and should) be living back at his dads by 9pm tonight.

Sounds more like a lodger who doesn’t enjoy your company.

You could probably be happier alone, until you meet another person.

You are not responsible for his happiness. You don’t have to look after him. It’s too bad he has suffered an injury with possible long term effects, but it’s not your job to fix him or make his life easy.

You need make self, and your kids priority.

Sounds like a lodger ( cock lodger ) .

I would be ending this relationship immediately. I'd suspect that his dad was pressuring him to sort his life out so he wanted to move out.

You have three girls looking up to you, and there's a man in their house cooking and living like he's single

Sorry op x

What do you mean 'we're not stuggling' - do you have joint finances? Does he pay his share?

But yes one does wonder what he adds to your life, he does not seem to like you much.

Sounds like he wanted the “grown up” thing of not living with his dad anymore, but to still live like a child.

Tell him it’s not possible for him to live with a family without being part of ten family. You understand he doesn’t want this, so best he moves out.

Get rid of him

How did you end up living together? Who initiated it?

He needs to move back out again and if you still want to see him treat him as a boyfriend not a partner. He couldn't be making it plainer in word and deed that he doesn't want to be part of a family. He has told you he wants to 'do him' which means do as he likes, so why are you ignoring that and expecting different?

You nailed it when you mentioned gaslighting - he doesn’t want to admit he’s getting something for nothing in this arrangement, so to speak. I’m sorry he went through a home invasion and is likely traumatised, but it’s up to him to seek help for that.
I will say I know my brother never acted like your boyfriend before he was married (and hasn’t stopped bothering since, either, since he and my SIL genuinely value each other).

I mean me and the children aren't struggling, I have a good income and we live comfortably. He has an income of about £500 a month and I would say he spends about half of that on us (food). The rest goes on phone, gym, socialising etc. For reference my rent is £950 before any other bills/utilities/food/expenses.

He's not into family life. Your poor children having him live in their home. Do everyone a favour and move him out.

Throw him back. Seriously, why are you putting up with this? Does he pay bills or is he living with you for free? Jesus it sounds like having a teenager in the house. Get rid of him and quick, what a terrible example to be setting to your children. How can he afford to eat out and go drinking if he’s not working?

I was going to ask if he even knew he was your boyfriend, until I read you've been together 2 years,

You tried, it didn't work, that's okay, off he goes.

just tell him to move back to his dads then. did he want to be a stepdad type before u moved him in? i would never do this to my kids in their own home

“…all men are like this…”

What? Utter selfish cunts? He can’t believe that. Just get rid op. You’ve wasted far too much time on this prick already.

How on earth can you find him attractive? Is he ever going to get a job? You’re going to be stuck with a man who is going to live like this for the rest of his life, he things it’s okay and you enable it. If your daughters end up with men like him it’ll be because you’ve shown them it’s ok. Send him back to his dad’s and move on. You and your kids deserve a lot more.