God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

[DenimTurtle]

My mum left me in the care of grandparents as a a very young child. My grandparents effectively raised me.

My childhood was awful. Mostly because of my grandfather who was extremely physically abusive - hair pulling, throwing objects, spitting on me to name a few examples. He would make me sleep on the floor as a punishment also. He was very introverted around other adults and I think tried to regain a sense of empowerment by abusing me. The man could just not experience any discomfort without his eyes popping out his head and his whole body puffing up. He was a monster.

Anyway, I left the country as soon as I could.

I returned recently and at the request of my grandmother went to see my grandfather at the retirement home he know lives.

He leads a sad life. Sitting in a chair all day and watching tv.

When I saw him he started getting angry over something minuscule. He started the whole routine of his face going red and I just said “I’ve had enough of this, thank God you’ll probably be dead the next time I’m in England. I can’t stand you”. I touched on how pathetic he and his life was.

Trust me I am a nice person. I donate around £300 each month to charity. I give neighbours kids’ a lift when I can. I just snapped.

Just needed to get off my chest.

Do you want my honest opinion of your post? Promise not to report me?

I think it’s great you got to say those things to him before he dies - it may help you to get past some of the trauma. A bit of therapy now might be helpful as this has brought up a lot of emotions for you.

His sobbing is just him feeling sorry for himself; pure self pity, I would think. He clearly didn’t show an ounce of pity or remorse for how he treated you back then and it sounds like nobody ever called him out for it till now. More fool your grandmother making you go to visit him if she didn’t want something like this to happen.

You cannot kick a dog and then be surprised when it bites in retaliation. He should not be shocked you are not tolerating his bullying any longer. Do not feel guilt for his tears. He was the cause of yours for many years and he is the cause of his own. If he wasn't an abusive c u next Tuesday then you wouldn't have said it. Give yourself a pat on the back and waste no more energy on him

sprigatito
@Tink3rbell30 the thing is, the thread is supposed to be about OP and her trauma, not you and your pseudo-spiritual beliefs, or your valiant refusal to crumble in the face of common sense. There does seem to be a positive correlation between belief in karma and narcissistic traits though, so I expect you can't help putting your foot in it.
None of that makes any sense.

Nothing has ever made more sense

You feel bad because you are a good person!

what happened here was a trauma response triggered because you saw him beginning to get angry and it triggered the damaged child part. The protective adult took over and momentarily went on high alert and maybe went further than you would have wanted.

you then immediately once you felt safe you fully recovered control and regretted how you reacted and felt bad because the reality took over again and you knew that he was just an old man but in the moment all you could see subconsciously was the massive scary monster of a man that you saw when you were so tiny and vulnerable.

It’s done and I urge you to stop beating yourself up about it. This was a one-off event aimed at a specific person who abused you triggered by behaviour that unconsciously put you imminent danger because historically that was the case.

it would never ever happen had you not been in those very specific circumstances and the likelihood even if you are in those circumstances again it will never happen again!

so let it go, learn from it but don’t allow the damage he caused which fuled this one off event to bleed into who you actually are as a person.

No thank you, silly attempt of patronising.

Are you enjoying being judgemental and superior on a thread about a victim of sustained child abuse?

I had a paedophile for a grandfather, I would've had no hesitation in wishing him dead were he still alive. He ruined so many lives and was a coward much like your grandfather who was fond of crocodile tears when called out on his actions. I don't believe either of these specimens had/have an ounce of regret for their actions or the pain inflicted on their victims. You are not a bad person

He was sobbing for himself not you. I don’t blame you one bit for your outburst. Just because someone has the title grandfather doesn’t make them a warm, loving person. He obviously hasn’t even changed in his old age.

Don’t beat yourself up for it and don’t concern yourself with his tears, they weren’t for you. 💐

I once sat through the questioning (English?) of a man who was sobbing, shaking, crying and telling everyone how he absolutely did not rape those women.

The evidence however was staggering. And he’d been clearly misusing his position of power for decades. Did he ever feel sorry for his victims? When they were sobbing? Did he stop? No.

he was sobbing because he was caught. Because his actions finally had consequences.

His victims hopefully did not feel bad for „making him cry“.

You should not either.

Do what makes you feel better. Never seeing him again? No problem. Telling your entire family what he did to you? Your right. Forgiving him? If that’s what you need. Writing him an angry letter where you spell out why you don’t want to see him again? Also perfectly fine. This process is about you. Not your abuser!

Don't forgot focus-pulling.

Not being either, I gave my opinion. Not every reply will be in agreement to the OP. There's no need for anyone to get uptight and weirdly angry if they don't agree with me thinking what she did was pointless.

@Tink3rbell30 you've made your point. Please stop me-railing.

You didn’t suggest it was pointless though, you suggested that some misinterpreted woowoo was now going to come for the OP for standing up to her abuser.

Do you also feel pity for the sobbing defendants in the Pelicot trial?

Should women quietly sit and say nothing in the face of their abusers?

But that in no way detracts from the abusive treatment he dished out. You said what needed to be said. He deserved nothing less.

Put yourself first and not him. You got if off your chest, and if you hadn’t done, you might well have regretted not confronting him before he dies.

Frankly, you were restrained! I would not have gone to see him, but if I had, I’d have been a whole lot worse, no fucking mercy for someone who was so abusive. Sobbing, was he? Count up the times he made you sob, bet there’s so many you can’t. Hope you’re ok, you were well within your rights, I reckon.

i know exactly how you feel op. there have been times in my life when i thought saying just how i felt about someone who was behaving horribly would help me. but to be honest, it never really did. just made me feel nasty and felt futile and pointless. he 100% deserved it and i dont blame you at all but in the end, it didn't give you any solace. there is a reason forgiveness is powerful and it is for YOUR sake not his. op, you deserve to move on and never see that man again. see your grandmother and give HER your love. refuse to see your grandfather in future and try not to even spare him another thought or headspace.

OP, I hope your grandmother is getting some respite and is able to enjoy her life a little more now.

None of us really realised what hell my grandmother's life with my grandfather must have been until he went into a home. She had almost a total personality change. She went from years (decades) of being awful to those who she perceived as being below her in the pecking order to being much nicer, more genuine and more relaxed. She made amends with my mother (her DIL, who she'd been appalling to for years - power to my mum for being willing and able to forgive) and then when my grandfather died a few years later it was like she was finally free. Heartbreaking to think about the 51 years of her life spent shackled to her abuser.

I did, my first comment says it's pointless and unnecessary.

He cried because he was confronted with the truth, almost certainly he was crying for himself that he no longer has the strength to grab you there and then and make you pay for those words. It would be nice to think he cried because he felt so bad - but I think he would have shown remorse long before now if he was going to

Your grandmother didn’t stay because of you op, she stayed for herself because it was the easiest option for her. There were refuges and family members she could have turned to, had she wanted to protect you properly. She choose not to.

You must now protect yourself. You owe these people nothing at all. Nothing can be gained from any further visits, he does not deserve them and has done some truly atrocious things to you op.

Please see a verified bacp therapist and start taking care of yourself and spend the charity money on the person who deserves to be cared for - you. I promise it will be worth every penny.

I hope so much you can move on from this visit. Your grandfather has an opportunity to apologise if he is truly ashamed of his actions, I suspect that will not be forth coming.

The young part of you wanted to finally stand up for yourself after all of these years, good on you op! You only told the truth and that may be difficult to hear but harder to endure as a defenceless child my darling.

Very much like your comment about karma then. Pointless and unnecessary.

Someone telling her horrendously abusive grandfather a few well overdue home truths is as bad as him?

🙄 Go give your head a wee wobble.

Ohhhhhh OP.

There was no way you were going to come away from that visit feeling good, no matter what you said or didn't say, or what he did or didn't do.

Take away from this, he is the same person he always was, which is a vile abuser, and you let him have a tiny bit of the truth which in time, once you realise you're NOT an awful person at all, you're a damaged person responding to a deep seated trigger, is probably a good thing for your mental health.

Fuck what anyone else thinks, because they are not you, they were not that small child being abused by an adult who was supposed to care about, and for them.

Don't let the fact that sometimes he wasn't abusive, colour your recollection of the things he actually did. No one can be actively abusive 100% of the time (agree re Stately Homes thread) - life is just not that black and white. He was abusive, what he did in between being an abuser doesn't erase that.

I hope all the shits he ever does the rest of his miserable life, are made of barbed wire.

You were a little kid and he took out his anger on you physically and psychologically. How much empathy did he have for you. If you have kids imagine doing that to them, you wouldn’t would you? You have to be a sack of shit. He also beat your grandmother. He has had zero empathy towards the people he was supposed to love the most.

He made you responsible for his own failings as a child, don’t take the burden of his failings now.