Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

[comoatoupeira]

Does anyone else find that having children is making them not take the word of their own parents anymore as being the norm?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were obsessed with not being too hands-on, I was always praised for being independent etc. They were divorced, don't know if that's relevant?

My mum was always talking down about other parents (mums, let's be honest) who she thought were over-protective. So all the jokes in our house were about mums who wouldn't let their children do this or that because it was apparently dangerous, or mums who didn't work and would arrive 10 minutes early at the school gate to, apparently, show off their blow dry or outfit, or something.

Now I'm looking back on it as a parent myself and I'm looking it the other way: like, these were mums who were sorted and organized so they were on time, and they were stay at home mums for x number of reasons but one of them being they wanted to be with their kids after school. I'm looking at some things that happened to me, like some medical things, that my parents didn't really follow up on or help me with, and looking at it the other way: this was maybe a bit neglectful, and the helicopter-ish mums we laughed at would have been there for their children and helped them.

Maybe this is a cultural change thing because it was the 80s and cool to not be a mumsy mum, and now there's a cultural backlash going on where we are romanticizing motherhood and caring roles again.

Anyone relate?

Becoming a parent definitely highlighted just how awful my parents were. I knew they were awful growing up though so that is a bit of a difference. There were some things I wasn’t sure on that I perhaps thought were acceptable because it can be hard to tell as a child, that as an adult and especially a parent I can look back and realize no sane adult, not even in the laissez-faire 70’s and 80s style parenting would have thought that was ok. They were just so caught up in their own issues that actually having to fit parenting into their day wasn’t on the radar.

I don't think SAHP want to be with their kids after school any more than working parents do, not everyone has the luxury of choice!

Thanks @Ponderingwindow.

So what did you do once it was easier to tell, once you got older? What do you do with that information? Is my question.

I don't really want to confront my parents about it, doesn't really seem like the point.

Just try to parent in my own way, I guess.

Totally relate to this, my mum & gran would always make jokes about one of my aunts been over protective of my cousins because she...

-Used car seats / booster seats for primary school aged kids

• Asked people to smoke outside/ away from her children

• encouraged them to eat fruit

Sorry, I missed a bit of context. The only reason my mum gave as to why they were there was because rich husbands (and presumably, not divorced). Now I realize (and I know it seems bloody obvious) that they also wanted to do it.
I think parenting was presented to me as something that was always a chore/a pain in the arse.
It's why I'm surprised at how much I love my child. I didn't expect to love them. Like this.

It's why I'm surprised at how much I love my child. I didn't expect to love them. Like this.

Ahhh this really cuts. I'm so sorry you feel this, but also glad you realise you feel this iyswim?

Thanks @MilesOfCarpetTiles.
But now I know this, what do I do?
It feels like a big discovery (to have at 40!)

You’ve nailed my experience exactly. I’m was so worried whilst I was pregnant that I was ruining my life as that is how parenting came across during my childhood.

I similarly have been very pleasantly surprised how amazing parenting is

same

Having my dd definitely brought back a lot of my childhood memories. I was fairly happy most of the time. It was a different time (80/90’s) but my mum was so different to how I am. It was much more that you were left to it. I dont remember my mum really properly talking to me, conversations about my school, friends, feelings etc. She never told me about periods, I just used to use her pads each month and suppose she refilled the cupboard. I cant remember us doing crafts together or going out to a cafe together or cuddling etc. I didnt go to any clubs or have any help with homework. It was almost as if parenting was providing a home, food and making sure we went to school, but not much more.

Yes @Dogateahotdog!

I used to buy my own pads! With my babysitting money! Seemed totally normal until ... I just wrote this post today.

I think parenting was presented to me as something that was always a chore/a pain in the arse.

Yes, same here. I also am surprised at how much I love my child. Each time my child reaches an age where I remember something happening when I was a child, I am actually really shocked at how they could have treated me like that. I never, ever, have the urge to be as cruel as they were.

I've not tackled it with them, because I know they will either lie, deny, or blame me. But I have parented entirely differently.

I was thinking about this today. My family were the epitome of our child won’t change us, they’ll have to fit in. Don’t get me wrong, I was loved and cared for but idea of going to Disney or soft play would have been laughable.

I am currently sitting waiting for 1 to finish an activity and have a packed tea for the 1 heading off this evening to another activity. We decorated their rooms the way they like and watch whatever crap they are interested in for a bit in the evening.

my mum is worried about me because I’m losing myself 😳

Right, that's it @Bizarred isn't it. I know that if I say anything it will be denied or treated somehow defensively. So it's not worth it.

So you use this knowledge as a way to bolster your own parenting and your confidence, is that it? Or to make boundaries with your parents as they grandparent?

I feel like I've just discovered gravity.

I disagree actually, I worked but I was always finished in time for pick up but we (my friends) laughed at the gym bunny mums, the ladies who lunched etc living off their dps, and with the benefit of hindsight, the helicopter parenting did their dc no good, especially as most of the rich dh's found younger models later on! The dc that didn't gradually learn independence skills suffered later on

Interesting, thanks.

That was the phrase, 'ladies who lunch', I had forgotten it.

That's the thing, I feel an urge to smother with love and care but independence IS important (and I do value this in myself quite a bit).

Also just to be clear, my dad is as much if not more to blame for this because of causing the divorce. To not make this a mum bashing thread.

@Dogateahotdog

Not sure how old you are but clubs didn't really exist bar a few sports until fairly recently, also there's nothing wrong with having space in a bathroom for sanitary supplies! I kept it stocked with different sizes and types for myself and DD's plus they could always tell a visiting friend to help themselves (they had some friends who were fairly poor) seems an odd thing to criticise

What do I do? Just really try to be the best parent I can. Occasionally marvel at just how well I did at raising myself.

talking to my parents about my childhood would be utterly pointless. It’s not like they are better people now than they were then.

I’ve had no contact with my mum for 7 years. Since having my daughter, I have realised that my child hood was terrible. My mum never put me first and is/was very toxic towards me. I thought it was normal until I was about 33 then i realised it wasn’t!

I think you have to sit for a while with the realisation that your parents way of parenting is not yours. That you want to be a different type of parent. I don't know if there is any point now in revisiting with them how they reared you. Unless they start commenting on your way of doing things in which case you say "I'm doing things a little differently to you, Mum so no need to comment".

It does strike me that your parents were very insecure about their choices. Why feel the need to comment on others who were doing it differently otherwise? I've modelled how I reared my kids on my own parents - they were supportive, loving, focused on our education and success, and it was clear they really enjoyed being parents and spending time with us. But there were plenty of my friends - looking back - who were reared differently and I never remember my mum commenting on any of them.

Yes, I have found being a parent, a good, kind, loving parent, really healing actually. And yes, there are boundaries with grandparents - they don't ask to spend time with their grandchildren alone and I wouldn't allow it anyway!

Yep @Pallisers, I think that's it, is realising how insecure they are. Which is a weird thing to realize in a child/parent dynamic, when you used to think they knew everything.
I suppose now I know this I can unravel everything and re-knit my own thing.

I suppose now I know this I can unravel everything and re-knit my own thing.

what a lovely way of putting it.

I get you op. My mum prided herself in being a cool mum/Eddie Moon type and was often sneering at the ‘mumsy’ types with their people carriers and overly affectionate manners. I’d have done anything for one of those mums to have been mine, their kids were so loved and secure…