Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

[comoatoupeira]

Does anyone else find that having children is making them not take the word of their own parents anymore as being the norm?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were obsessed with not being too hands-on, I was always praised for being independent etc. They were divorced, don't know if that's relevant?

My mum was always talking down about other parents (mums, let's be honest) who she thought were over-protective. So all the jokes in our house were about mums who wouldn't let their children do this or that because it was apparently dangerous, or mums who didn't work and would arrive 10 minutes early at the school gate to, apparently, show off their blow dry or outfit, or something.

Now I'm looking back on it as a parent myself and I'm looking it the other way: like, these were mums who were sorted and organized so they were on time, and they were stay at home mums for x number of reasons but one of them being they wanted to be with their kids after school. I'm looking at some things that happened to me, like some medical things, that my parents didn't really follow up on or help me with, and looking at it the other way: this was maybe a bit neglectful, and the helicopter-ish mums we laughed at would have been there for their children and helped them.

Maybe this is a cultural change thing because it was the 80s and cool to not be a mumsy mum, and now there's a cultural backlash going on where we are romanticizing motherhood and caring roles again.

Anyone relate?

Every family is different , I was aupair and can tell you that.
My own parents thought they do all for me health wise and education wise by sending me to a boarding school with nice climate. However I needed them, not the effing climate.

In my own parenting, I do everything around the comfort of my child. Even if someone thinks I am too caring, so ...? Caring people are not easily found in the West. Everyone is selfish here

My mum also used to laugh and make fun of families whose parents were still together, they were “boring” and the dad most likely had lots of affairs according to her. Families who sat down to dinner at night were snobs, parents who didn’t get drunk in front of their kid were “stuck up”.
If she felt like bringing a man home for a one night stand while my sister and I looked on in horror (aged pre teens), this was her right as she was entitled to a life of her own.
it wasn’t til I had my own kids I realised how fucked up this all was. I could write a novel on her dysfunctional behaviour tbh.
i appreciate she had a difficult upbringing herself and probably just learned by the example my grandparents set but she refuses to acknowledge this or her own trauma and won’t seek help or admit she ever put a foot wrong raising us.

I too am a really good mum and now grandma. I made sure of it. My mother truly believed she was a good mother and she was better with my younger siblings but there was something about me that she just didn’t like. She was very quick to anger and criticism and I was the one she threw it at.
She was however a very good grandma to my children. I watched in amazement and how easily she showed them affection. She never once in my whole life told me she loved me or gave me an hug and even now at 56, it hurts. My children have been told by me every single day of their lives that I love them.
Mum died unexpectedly this year so, although deep down I know she would never have talked to me about it, i am sad that I won’t ever get the chance to ask her why.

@ThoraZ A big hug to you 💕

I was going to say love yourself and cherish yourself now. But understandable that parents love does something to a child that nothing else can. Your child is so lucky to have you as their mother!!

It was a different world in the 70s/80s. I also went through a phase of resenting my hands off/cold parents but overall I'm really grateful for my childhood and wouldn't want to trade it in for a typical modern upbringing. There was never any pressure (my parents never asked about school, had nil expectations) and no boundaries. I was free to roam in the woods and local town since I'd literally been a toddler and started travelling abroad on my own age 13. I try to listen to my children more than my parents ever did and hope I support them more than my parents supported me, but I'd also wish for them to have more of an adventure growing up - they don't seem to miss it, though. It's telling though that all the great children books, from Harry Potter to Peter Pan, never feature parents.

I don’t understand why everyone is so certain that the current, child-centric approach to raising children is preferable? For every study that suggests it is, there is an opposing study, and the reality is that there’s no long term evidence on outcomes given this is a new phenomena. If anything, teens today seem to have much higher rates of mental illness (e.g. anxiety) than they did in the past and young adults seem to struggle much more in professional settings. This could be due in part to increasing rates of diagnosis, but again, this has not been proven.

Yes, definitely. I remember my Mum saying other parents forced their children to grow up too quickly and put too much pressure on them.
By the time I was 16 I couldn't change a light bulb, change a fuse, cook a simple meal or budget at all.
Looking back, she just couldn't be bothered and didn't have the patience to teach me the necessary life skills. She taught me how to clean, however. You know, so she didn't have to 😐

I always feel quite uncomfortable thinking back to my childhood for some reason especially now I'm a parent and when I had my first son I really had a lot of feelings bubble to the surface about my parents. On the whole I had a wonderful childhood and never went without but my dad was hardly ever around and I never remember having much physical affection but knew I was loved and cared for. Wasn't ever asked for my views and options about topics (even to this day especially with my Dad any view other than his view is stupid or wrong) I absolutely loved the fact my mum was a stay at home parent and was always around to take me to school etc. we didn't have loads of money but always bought new school shoes made the effort for magical Christmas and birthdays etc.

I kiss, cuddle and tell my boys every single day how much I love them and it feels so natural to me. I really want to be a good mum and do right by him. To me that means giving him a lover and safe home, listening to him, letting him have all his emotions and teaching him how to be a kind, considerate and independent little person.

I wasn't really taught any life skills such as how to cook or bake and have felt quite useless at being an adult to be honest! I think back in the 90's when I grew up it was easier for the parents to just get on and get things done such as cooking and they didn't take the time to show us because that would take too long, cause too much of a mess etc

A memory that stuck out for me as a teenager is when I went round to my best friends house for the first time and I couldn't get over how much fun and laughter they all had as a family. They were so happy and silly together. I never had that at home and it made me quite sad. Even to this day my parents and siblings are never funny and silly, maybe we're too worried and anxious about making a fool of ourselves - how sad is that!!

As someone with a difficult relationship with my mum (traumatic childhood due to neglect and untreated mh issues) I saw a thing on Instagram once that hit me right in the guts.

To paraphrase, it said something like
There is a very deep grief to be felt when you grow up being scornfully told "one day you'll have a daughter just like you and you'll see, and it'll serve you right ", and you have that daughter and she's exactly like you and it is the easiest thing in the world to love her.

I struggle through parenting my dd sometimes because she is so like little me, and so easy to love. And little me really did deserve someone to love her.

It’s the smacking for me.

I wasn’t exactly beaten black and blue. My parents were good, kind and involved parents for the most part. But quick to smack when (I realise this now) they lost control. I suspect life was difficult for them. They were young and broke and unhappy. But I’ve been furious with my daughters before and it wouldn’t occur to me to lift my hand to them or scream and swear at them.

to this day I feel like they gaslight me, I was a bad and difficult child. But…I really wasn’t. I think I was pretty normal and run of the mill. Maybe a little cheeky but I didn’t do anything.

I know the times were different I appreciate that. But it’s like they didn’t feel the same way because I honestly couldn’t.

My parents weren’t always perfect but this thread has made me grateful for them. I’m so sorry so many of you didn’t get the love you deserved.

I was very loved and supported. My mum stayed at home or worked part-time. She did sacrifice her career which is sad but she never made me feel like it was my fault and found other sources of creative and intellectual fulfilment. My interests, education and emotional life were supported, but I also had freedom. I had physical affection. She was perhaps a tad over-protective at times, and told me too much post-divorce (single mum syndrome, all my friends with single mums had the same, but the trade off is a very intimate connection). I’m not saying this to boast but because the reason she was such a loving, present mum is because her own mum wasn’t (a narcissist, I think, and an unhappy intellectually frustrated 1950s wife). So just as she broke the cycle so are you all in your parenting. That’s why it’s so nice to read about it, as the child of parents who mostly got it right. One day your children will feel similarly grateful, I’m sure of it!

The thing is, you're looking at it slightly wrong. It's hard to compare , because , when you think about it , with so many of us having neglectful or even abusive childhoods who would've raised the alarm or cared that we were anxious , depressed, self harming , had suicidal ideation etc.? The people who were supposed to care , didn't. We're not on any lists, or statistics.

Reading this as a full time working mum (with full time working husband), whose kids don’t do after school clubs and activities due to childcare is a bit scary…
Anyone have working parents who didn’t feel neglected? I adore my kids and definitely don’t want them to feel unloved or unprotected.

My mum prized self improvement and education above all else. Any activities that seemed frivolous and done purely for enjoyment were met with disapproval. I remember on one occasion she had been engrossed in a home DIY project all day and when she discovered I had been plaiting my hair and putting in butterfly clips she was quite upset with me.

Having my own children made me realise that playfulness and joy are valid goals too. I remember visiting my parents when my DD was 2 and we were clapping my DD for putting together a tricky wooden toy. If my DD got one piece wrong my mother did not clap. But of course when challenged, she completely denies being a critical person!

I'm sorry the posts made you feel this way. If I'm honest, I think the working part is secondary to the parent's personality/parenting. It does add more stress, from the work itself or trying to juggle all the balls , but it's not the reason.

For years my mum finished work at 3 pm. She still didn't play with me, read to me, took me anywhere, attended any parent's evenings, helped with homework etc.

I never resented her for working, she was great at her job and I had quite a bit of pride in that. I resented her for not being a ... mum.

I've only read the first couple of pages but I relate quite a lot OP. I am 40 and having children and just generally getting older and having had a lot of therapy I'm starting to question a few things in my mind.

One thing that I have realised it just how judgemental my parents are, especially my Mum. A few people on the thread have used the term "sneering" and that's spot on. My Mum used to sneer (and still does at all sorts about people) and was quite open about it in front of me and my sibling. I have always been really careful not to do this in front of my children - it just doesn't feel right. But I do think their level of judgemental had impacted on me. It's certainly resulted in me having very low self esteem. I now recognise they are extremely insecure and very concerned about outside appearances and what people will think of them. I think this drives a lot of their behaviour.

There's loads I could say/go into/examples i could give but it's a rabbit hole.

However one thing I find especially grating is that they now have a dog and they afford this dog waaaay more understanding and care than they ever did me as a child and they do things that I do as a parent for my neurodivergent children that they will say is me being soft on my children but they do it for the dog and that seems to be "being a good dog owner". Eg They are always looking at how they can fix small things and it improves the dogs behaviour because they are looking st the underlying psychology for why she does the things she does. Now this was never done for me as a child and really needed to be. I have ADHD and probably autism but they never cared to look at underlying reasons for why I did things (I wasn't "naughty" but I was quite "weird"). I have to do this for my children (1 ADHD, the other is both) and my parents just don't get it. Yet they will do it for the dog.

They won't use a dog walker as they dont feel they are "in it for the right reasons", and they shop around for the best kennels etc because they are hugely concerned about the standard of care the dog will be given. But this level of care was never afforded to me in terms of my childcare and schooling and when I was abused by a staff member, who admitted it, they kept me in that setting even though the staff member remained employed. If I discuss that my children don't enjoy a holiday club for example, my mum will say "well they just have to lump it"

So I find it particularly grating that they have the capacity to understand wellbeing, psychology driving behaviour, making considered decisions .... but it didn't apply to me as a child and if I take those into consideration for my children then I'm soft. Yet they apply to the dog. This had actually made me more cynical about their parenting than anything!

Same as me and I was born 88. It's quite sad I feel, and I definitely don't have a great relationship with them. It's a real struggle. I have some health things and I would say oh you know when we were kids you didn't really go to the doctors about anything and people would say, oh my mum took me, I had this and that. So now I feel maybe it was neglect!

@Lordofthechai I didn't read the thread as being about FT working parents. Mine both did, and DH and I both do. I don't resent them at all for working.

We're able to juggle a bit more due to hybrid working but on the other hand my parents finished at 5 on the dot and we were eating dinner en famille by 6. Kids did fewer activities then as well, the pressures are much bigger now- they don't need to do 9 different things a week.

My parents both worked full-time. We felt very loved and knew they worked to provide us with as many opportunities as possible. The thing that was difficult wasn't so much the work, it was that they were often very stressed. There wasn't much space for us to have any issues or for our problems to be considered. And we didn't get to do many activities because their weekends were filled with adult socialising and we just tagged along.

I think parents nowadays work much harder to avoid communicating their stress to their children and to make them feel valued, even if they have pressures on their time from working full-time. Most parents I know who work full-time will occasionally take time off work for school events (except teachers who can't, but then they often have school holidays to spend with their kids) and do activities with them at weekends, which is a lot of pressure on the parents but I'm not sure the kids are missing out hugely. You don't have to show up all of the time, but it's nice if you show up some of the time. My parents only very rarely attended school events like plays and assemblies but I just accepted it and latched onto my best friend's parents, who didn't seem to mind. If I can't attend a school event, I often ask another parent to look out for my DC and video it if allowed and they don't mind. Then I can say to my child "I can't be there today, but Max's mummy is going to wave at you for me and I'll hopefully get to see it afterwards". My DC likes this, and I do the same if other parents who I'm friends with aren't there.

i was a child in the 60s and 70s, a parent in the 80s and 90s and now a grandparent.

We thought we did a much better job than our parents because we didn’t do those things which we now know are abusive like beat our kids or tell them when we thought they were being worthless, or ignore their emotional or physical needs beyond the basics. But we did other things which we now know were actually abusive like leaving them in hotel rooms on holiday with a listening service while we went off to the restaurant, and allowing them to go by themselves to the park with their friends for hours on end from about age 7, shout at them aggressively when we were cross and expect them to fit into our often chaotic lives when they should have been our priority and we should have put them first much more than we did.

Two things I think are important. One is the availability now of a host of online information and advice which we simply didn’t have access to - you believed your doctors and the teachers, the church leaders, what you saw others doing etc. So a throwaway comment about you being too protective hit home even if it was in criticism of you being too strict about the use of car seats. We didn't have sites like this to validate our instincts when they were good and point out that we were out of order when we were. Generally, advice online is brilliant if you’re careful about sources - we simply didn’t have that. Being a young mum was a minefield. Whatever you did was wrong in someone’s eyes re going to work or staying at home for example. People had such strong, judgey opinions about it both ways.

The other thing is the past poor diagnoses of mental health issues. I now know my mum spent most of our childhood with significant undiagnosed depression. She was switched off, numb, went through the motions and we were definitely neglected in ways which would be seen as appalling these days. Going to school with matted hair and being in trouble for having an highly traumatic accident which broke my teeth. Being too scared to say anything about a sexual assault by a family friend age 11 because without doubt, it would have been ‘my fault’. That really was the norm then, although hopefully not everyone’s norm. There was a huge lack of overt evidence of love and actual emotional connection in my childhood.

I love how my grandchildren are parented and I love how forgiving my children are of me and my mistakes - they are amazing. I also forgive my mum and love her as she is now, because I honestly think she did her best too. It was good enough because the inheritance is an upward curve. I have so much admiration for young parents today but do worry about the level of anxiety and guilt in parenting which feels as high as ever.

We used to make fun of families who said "I love you" or were affectionate to each other....

Hi @Lordofthechai sorry but this isn’t at all about thinking it was wrong for my mum not to be a stay at home mum. It’s about the way she TALKED about other mums (some of whom had probably come from
work, what did she know) in a way that implied they were soppy and obsessed with their kids and over protective, and how I always thought this was a bad thing to be, until having my own child when I see that there are also good parts of that (but as many people have said, it’s a balance)

So insightful about the dog!
I’m sure lots of people will relate.

Agree with this. Times have changed. It's unfair to judge too harshly by today's standards

And remember, future generations will comment on how they were raised in the 2020s. Twas ever thus

I find this thread a little worrying. Not at all trying to invalidate how anyone feels, but it worries me that there are those on this thread that felt neglected because their parents expected them to learn to look after themselves early, and also those that are feeling neglected because they weren't taught to do those things and felt unprepared for adulthood.

I don't think I get the balance right with my own children. I sort of hope that it all works out in the end. My eldest often seems anxious and responds to the mildest reprimand with excessive apologies and sometimes tears. I really hope none of them are ever on a thread like this. I've never felt like a "natural" at parenting and although I've read lots of books and think about them i know I make a lot of mistakes. Certainly my children don't seem to be gaining independence as quickly as I did. I almost never involve them in cooking a main meal or in sorting laundry or cleaning. I sort of hope it all works out in the end. I wonder how many mother's of people on this thread felt the same.