Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

[comoatoupeira]

Does anyone else find that having children is making them not take the word of their own parents anymore as being the norm?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were obsessed with not being too hands-on, I was always praised for being independent etc. They were divorced, don't know if that's relevant?

My mum was always talking down about other parents (mums, let's be honest) who she thought were over-protective. So all the jokes in our house were about mums who wouldn't let their children do this or that because it was apparently dangerous, or mums who didn't work and would arrive 10 minutes early at the school gate to, apparently, show off their blow dry or outfit, or something.

Now I'm looking back on it as a parent myself and I'm looking it the other way: like, these were mums who were sorted and organized so they were on time, and they were stay at home mums for x number of reasons but one of them being they wanted to be with their kids after school. I'm looking at some things that happened to me, like some medical things, that my parents didn't really follow up on or help me with, and looking at it the other way: this was maybe a bit neglectful, and the helicopter-ish mums we laughed at would have been there for their children and helped them.

Maybe this is a cultural change thing because it was the 80s and cool to not be a mumsy mum, and now there's a cultural backlash going on where we are romanticizing motherhood and caring roles again.

Anyone relate?

💯

yes this was my childhood too I'm in my 40s, I was never read to as a child like I did with my own dcs each night. Also never encouraged to brush my teeth which resulted in a mouth full of fillings and dental problems. My dc have excellent teeth as I've always made sure they've brushed morning and night. I've always attended parents evenings, school performances etc. my parents didn't often attend mine as it just didn't seem as important to them. things have definitely changed for the better.

My parents were essentially decent people, but looking back, some of the stuff they did you'd never get away with now as a parent.

The 70s and 80s were different times!

My mum made parenting out to be the worst thing in the world. She did attempt suicide a couple of times, drank, had an affair. Honestly, all her own doing. My dad was a salt of the earth hard working man.

I think the issue for my mum was that she was an only child and her parents were very strict so she didn't have a lot of external influence. Also she was definitely perimenopausal.

To say this traumatised me about parenthood is an understatement.

Firstly I felt like something was wrong with me. Also both my parents made marriage look like a prison sentence.

This really put me off coming round to the idea of 'settling down' until I'd done everything I wanted and I had no blueprint of what I was trying to create.

Saying all of that, whether you have children/happy or unhappy childhood, I think there comes a point when you see your parents more as people with their own vulnerabilities.

I've come to realise that my parents made racist comments. They didn't really care when my uncle and grandad took the piss out of me and made me cry. I slept in the attic room which I don't think was insulated properly as I used to wear a hat and gloves in bed as I was so cold. I'd never let my own children get so cold. I was smacked and chased up the stairs if I came down after being sent to bed. I wasn't taught about healthy eating and used to buy sweets everyday at the bus stop after school. Sometimes there weren't any snacks and I remember raiding the cooking cupboard and eating all the raisins and glacier cherries. I only had to clean my teeth once a day. 80s parents.

Goodness, I could have written this word for word @HarrietJonesFlydaleNorth

My mum was a complete martyr, never shut up about how grateful I should be because she sacrificed her career for me, how she went above and beyond to give me everything and what a waste that was because I'm not a high flier. I spent most of my life on a constant guilt trip until I became a mother myself and understood the true meaning of unconditional love. I take every moment I can to big my children up and tell them how proud I am of them - every sacrifice I've made I've done willingly, because that's what good parents do, with no expectation that my children turn out a certain way. Mum used to say she hoped they would give me as much grief as I gave her, because perhaps then I'd appreciate her. In reality, my children are considerate, loving, well-adjusted humans who don't give me any trouble - the only person who continues to give me grief is her!

Both in my case, and I agree it’s mindblowing when the penny drops and all of sudden it becomes clear that my idyllic childhood was actually pretty neglectful and abusive.

I’ve tried really hard to set boundaries but with limited success as my parents are very controlling.

mainly I took it as a lesson in how NOT to raise a child and I’m happy to say i have the most wonderful relationship with my DS (21). Now he’s old enough to understand, we have some real laughs about “granny-isms”

Arf…Must have lived on the good memories then 🥳

I completely relate. My mother was brought up by non-relatives where she was emotionally neglected and harshly punished. So she did an amazing job considering, but her whole thing was getting me to be independent. And in hindsight, I needed more support and caring really. She was highly critical of parents that "fussed" over their children. I think she expected me to be independent but didn't really provide enough support and some of it ended up being a bit neglectful. Basically I don't feel like my life skills are great now.

I'm very conscious to spend a lot of time teaching my kids how to do basic things and teaching them how to organise themselves. And also to fuss over then when they need it.

I do think that things have gone too far child centric. Like we never go anywhere that isn't child friendly, all our holidays, days out. I felt like I was more part of ordinary life when I was small and I had to learn to behave or amuse myself if my mother was visiting or shopping or doing any number of child unfriendly activities with us in tow.

@comoatoupeira so much of what you have said has resonated with me. Up until the point I became a mother, I had just accepted that my mother was not only just odd but also unkind. I think my eureka moment was reading the stately homes thread on Mumsnet many many years ago. I did a lot of reading about daughters of toxic mothers and being the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. My mother did not have a great childhood. To my mind, it seems inconceivable that you would put your own child through the same thing. I am fiercely proud of the relationship I have built with my own child having had no blueprint from my own experience of being parented.. My mother was very keen to criticise anybody who kept a nice home (House proud) did their best to look presentable (vain) and in general was pretty snarky about other mothers. I was only allowed play dates with children who had poor socio economic circumstances than our own (and we were not by any means well off) I presume so she could feel superior. I wasn’t allowed to bring people home (that would’ve required a weeks worth of cleaning tidying decluttering etc) people who ‘dropped in’ like she did to everyone else caused a massive panic because of the state of the house.

My mother did not work yet was always late collecting us from school. We did not have clean uniform to wear every week let alone each day. She found no time during the day to do any form of housework and used to boast about how our house might be messy but it wasn’t dirty. In reality. It was filthy. We had a dog that shed like crazy and a mother who refused to hoover more than once a fortnight. She did not cook. My dad did the ironing. I’m pretty sure that my mum had an affair with my Piano Teacher and other men despite my Dad being a kind and patient man. The atmosphere in the house growing up was tense and it was clear that neither parent liked each other. They never divorced but stayed in this sad state of affairs for 50 years.

I think your child reaching milestones that are triggering for you are the hardest. Like you I did not have sanitary protection provided and would use birthday and Christmas money to fund supplies throughout the year. I have always made sure my child has access to everything they need. I would be mortified if they were using their own money, to purchase basic items.

Not everything an be explained as ‘it was of the time’ or ‘mothers did their best’. As I got older I went to other kids houses. They were warm, inviting and their mothers were kind and not hellbent on embarrassing them. Only you know what your truth is about your own experience. My best advice to you is to have a good look at the stately homes thread and also look at some of the reading recommendations. It certainly helped me understand that there are more of us out there than you might think.

"I hope you don't have one, but three children just like you! Then you'll see how awful it is !" Said with venom was a common refrain growing up.

I swear she's resentful that DD is a good kid and looks for issues where there aren't any.

I don't know if this is normal but I just don't specifically remember how my parents were when I was very young - they have kept loads of old craft stuff so we obviously used that, I just don't remember it - suspect that as I had a stable and uneventful childhood the early years don't stand out? So I don't know how my parents were when I was little - they definitely were a bit naive when I was older in terms on renting 18 rated movies at mid teens and minor stuff like that.
The 80s were different- seatbelts weren't a legal requirement in the backseats, passive smoking was normal (my school had a smoking & non-smoking staff room!) & I think the dental advice was just brush once a day? Drink driving was pretty acceptable- I remember all the campaigns to stop it - anyone remember the use of 'In the summer time' in that public health ad - have drink have a drive then the guy drives into a tree.

Yes, though there is a balance.

Actually agree as DC grow up parenting fostering independence is one of the most important things (as is role modelling engagement in education and career where possible).

This has to be carefully managed however according to age, maturity and any specific needs of the individual DC.

If weren’t supported with medical appointments it seems this veered into neglect.

You may have formed a view of how they found parenting that may not match the reality of the view they had though. You could ask about their experience of parenting at that time.

Absolutely @comoatoupeira. Although possibly the most healing thing for you would be to confront your parents with this new-found awareness, this can often feel impossible because, as you say, it’s likely they will refute or deny it, or be so entrenched in their own memory and experience that they defend it. Sometimes, as a pp has mentioned, a parent might ‘soften’ as they age, but this is often when they also become more frail & vulnerable, so again it feels difficult to bring up. So I think your idea of ‘unravelling and re knitting’ is perfect, but you might want to find a good therapist to support you in doing this as there may be more realisation to come. Good luck with it all!

Just for some context, and maybe it’ll reassure you a little. My interactions with my children have been very different from my parents in lots of ways. I was never deprived of affection and never doubted they loved me, but in that era it would have been very unusual (and possibly frowned upon) for parents to ‘helicopter’ their children. It’s even possible that their own parents from a generation earlier were even less ‘involved’ and that their parenting was considered too liberal.
I’m an older parent, but even for those parents born in the 80s ‘soft play centres’ and Disney trips were not part of everyday life for most children. For many parents today, those activities are still not accessible, but that doesn’t make them bad parents.

What bugs me about these type of posts (sorry for picking yours), is the extreme of Disney holidays and what not, or things that maybe weren't as available at the time.

What about never seeing a dentist?
Not getting glasses when needed, or only getting try on cheap market ones without a prescription for years?
Getting some help with homework,reading,anything school related?
A parent that cares about you being bullied?
A parent that makes you breakfast/wakes you up early enough to have some?
Maybe not a birthday party, but maybe at least one birthday cake?

And so on. You know, the basic stuff if we look beyond food,shelter,warmth,bed to sleep in.

I discovered a newfound respect for what my parents went through as parents. The sacrifices they made. The difficult decisions. I can only hope that I'm as good a parent to my children and I fear I fall short. I was widowed when they were young so it's all on me, and there were times early on when I failed spectacularly and will always have that regret. But most of the time I've done my best. I have a great relationship with both my kids (now 19 and 21). But there are definitely things I could have done better.
You can't remove your parents from the context of when they were parents, and how they were parented themselves.

I agree with you about all the ones you’ve mentioned. They’re essentials (even human rights), unless financially unattainable.

Different doesn't necessarily mean bad.
Doesn't excuse abuse of course.

They were a product of their generation and how they themselves were raised.

Having worked as a nanny, kids mostly agree and go along with family ways until around age 12 when they start questioning.

Some will vocalise these questions, whilst some silently observe and vow to be different when older.

As much as you think you're a good parent/ doing your best, your kids will do some things differently too when they become parents. Doesn't mean how you parented was wrong.

And reparent yourself. Give yourself the nurturing you deserved

I got to my fifties before I could truly see it. And even then it was seeing it replayed with my own child and the whole justification crap spewed to others. So I finally went NC as I realised there was truly nothing I got from the relationship. It made me reflect on the missed opportunities through my childhood caused by her laziness and inability to earn so we were forever poor.

i was abused by a neighbours boyfriend; had to collect sibling from nursery when I was only in primary myself. I had to earn and buy my own clothes and school uniform. I could go on. No bitterness I just feel nothing.

I live abroad and I remember in my 20’s I always got sick or vomited before they came to stay. I remember my best friend gently saying to me that that really wasnt normal

Same here. Raising my child was actually therapeutic, because I had the opportunity to do everything "the right way". It was like a new beginning.

Times and societal norms and expectations have definitely changed. I'm a writer now, but for a long time I was a family/developmental/adolescent-abnormal psychologist and let me tell you that with every generation, things do change, and significantly. The important thing to know is that you are the expert on you, and your children, and it's your choice, how you raise them. You don't have to accept or question the influences that prevailed when your parents were raising you, or compete with anyone else in terms of how they are bringing up their kids. We take the lessons from the past, and we do the best we can, and we all know what that looks and feels like. Break free from whatever bonds are tying you to thinking so much about the old ideals, many of which - as we now know - were often unhelpful at best, and sometimes catastrophic at worst. You're probably doing a lot better than you think, within the confusion of outdated ideals and what's 'right' or 'wrong'with the new ones. So is every other modern mum out there who is trying to make it work. I'd put money on that. 🧡🧡🧡