Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

[comoatoupeira]

Does anyone else find that having children is making them not take the word of their own parents anymore as being the norm?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were obsessed with not being too hands-on, I was always praised for being independent etc. They were divorced, don't know if that's relevant?

My mum was always talking down about other parents (mums, let's be honest) who she thought were over-protective. So all the jokes in our house were about mums who wouldn't let their children do this or that because it was apparently dangerous, or mums who didn't work and would arrive 10 minutes early at the school gate to, apparently, show off their blow dry or outfit, or something.

Now I'm looking back on it as a parent myself and I'm looking it the other way: like, these were mums who were sorted and organized so they were on time, and they were stay at home mums for x number of reasons but one of them being they wanted to be with their kids after school. I'm looking at some things that happened to me, like some medical things, that my parents didn't really follow up on or help me with, and looking at it the other way: this was maybe a bit neglectful, and the helicopter-ish mums we laughed at would have been there for their children and helped them.

Maybe this is a cultural change thing because it was the 80s and cool to not be a mumsy mum, and now there's a cultural backlash going on where we are romanticizing motherhood and caring roles again.

Anyone relate?

Exactly! This is just what I mean.

Yeah I agree. I had a lovely childhood and love my parents but 80s/90s parenting was a very different culture and set of expectations. Actually me and my dad had a chat about it recently and he summarised it really well: he said these days you adapt your life for your children, but back then the idea was that children had to adapt to your life. That's exactly what my parents did - I remember being taken to parties and late night concerts and even lectures! And small things like my mum never talking to me about periods or contraception, she just assumed I'd figure it out 😅 once, to be fair, my mum took me to Disney for a weekend but I remember being really, really aware that she thought it was awful and we were never going to do it again! 😂

My mother developed dementia, and whilst still having some cognitive function became very pitiful and apologetic. Said ‘I didn’t do right by you, I make you grow up too quickly’. Was too little, too late unfortunately, evidently she did have guilt but it only manifested through her illness.

It's scary to think that we parent a lot according to what the prevailing culture is, not according to our feelings or anything natural or pure isn't it? It really makes you question how much sway the individual has at all, we're just influenced by everything around us.
I feel like my mum has become much more needy and touchy-feely as she has got older, maybe as the culture has changed?
It makes me feel a bit lonely, looking back on it, imagining how things were then, not based on what there was between us, but based on what the world was like.

My parents weren't awful parents, they were ok overall and very good in many respects. They were very, very caring and interested in what we were doing in many ways, and invested a lot of time and effort in us and making sure we could do what interested us.

But yes, I look back at some of their choices, and largely tbh the environment we were brought up in, and some aspects seem a bit odd to me. For example, although our parents would never have left us alone sleeping in hotel rooms to go to dinner downstairs, this wasn't an uncommon practice amongst their friends. On family holidays, kids from around 6-7 upwards would run freely around the beach/pool/waterpark and our parents didn't really know where we were. Whereas I keep my DC in sight at all times around water. And my parents in common with their friends believed very much that "adults should have a life, kids should fit in with this". They think parents nowadays have a very boring time of it, whereas they really lived it up with friends. But then my children will probably spend slightly less of their childhood in their pyjamas picking their way amongst a group of drunken adults trying to find mummy and daddy.

I think becoming a parent does make you reflect on your parents choices and why they were made. Sometimes you may want to emulate other times you definitely want to bring your own child up differently.

I understand the period thing. My own dd will soon be starting, we've talked a lot about it. She's has a range of sanitary options to try, I want her to feel as comfortable as possible.

My mum gave me a book to learn about period. When I started she bought me value pads which were sooo thick uncomfortable and not very absorbent. She had branded pads for herself

I've had a very similar revelation.

It seems silly now but I have been genuinely surprised that I love my child, and not because I have to.

Not consciously, but somewhere, I thought it was normal to slightly resent or see the worst in your child. Wouldn't want to be one of "those mums" who thinks their kids are brilliant.

Well I do think my kid is brilliant and I'm so glad I do!

Me too.

I'd no idea I'd be any good at parenting as my parents always made out I was pretty useless at anything vaguely practical, that I was self-absorbed, that I was irresponsible. I get such a kick out of caring for my children, I'm amazed by how much I love them and I am so grateful and pleased (maybe even a tiny bit proud) that they have a stable home life where they can be themselves and know that we will always love and support them as they are. It's a complete contrast to my life as a child and I'm so glad I've been able to break the cycle of chaos and negativity and my kids won't have the lack of confidence and self-esteem issues I've had to grapple with all my life.

I agree with you OP. I have lovely parents and had a good home but Jesus they really lived their own lives and we were add ons. I remember once getting sunstroke on
a sunny Sunday afternoon and was vomiting and shivering and feeling awful and my parents still went to the pub because it was Sunday night and that's what they did on Sunday nights so I was lying on the couch being looked after by my sister who was only a young teen. Also I hated my secondary school and I'd asked before I started there could I go to the all girls school that was only a small bit further away and I was told to get over myself and that there is nothing wrong with the school up the road. My dd is starting secondary next year and we've done all the local open nights and discussed the pros and cons of them all

I think it makes you reflect.

I think mine were too over protective with me partly as older sibling went of rails - but now I am a parent realise how hard that balance can be to find.

IL were cool parents when DH was a teen - they massive encouraged and enable underage drinking with him and his mates. His best mate said to him only after having hid kids get near that age he realise how bad they were. When our kids were young often felt like IL were competing with them for our attention and the stories they told were hair raising - and upset DH at times - pretty much neglect but DH remember a much happier supportive childhood that one those stories portrayed. Now the stories are all how much IL did for him in his childhood.

I think we did both know we were loved and parents were proud of us though it was never said out loud. Do I wished they'd done some things and not others - absolutely but as parents life gets in way and however much time and money we spend they always wanted more.

Mine was a SAHM when we were young, but worked part time once DB was at school. We were encouraged to develop self-reliance but always knew we had loving parents. I did have a friend whose DP were seriously detached though - that clearly had an impact on her. By 16 she’d realised that it wasn’t actually cool to be allowed to stay out late if that’s because your DO essentially aren’t bothered about where you are.

I tried to strike a middle ground - not mumsy helicopter parenting, but part time working with occasional conference or field trips away while also doing a bit of volunteering at school which both mine loved. Both of mine did two or three days in AFS club, depending on what my teaching timetable looked like each year. The other days I was at the school gate at 3.

I think this is really neglectful and so sad. I think they took the piss out of better parents than them to make themselves feel better.

@MaroonyBalloony Yes, resentment. That's exactly it. We were always made to feel that we were imposing on someone else's life.

Having kids made me realise that bringing them up isn’t always as easy as I thought it was. 😉

This is exactly my experience!
You've expressed it so well.
I didn't realize people actually enjoyed their children until a couple of my friends had children before me and talked about them positively and lovingly "he's great fun/she'd put you in great form, she's so cheerful" . I'd never heard people talk like that about their children before!

My parents were in the 80s very helicoptering on some topics. They didn’t let me go for a drink with friends until i was 18. And even then they came to pick me up at night until i was 21 😂

But on the other hand they told me we “just weren’t into sports” and never let me do any sports … and they said that healthy eating was for rabbits. And it was fine as long as we all stayed in the middle of our comfortzone and never take any risk at all.

I've been pleasantly surprised by having teenagers - as my parents always made out it was awful time and I can't think what we did wrong - till eldest sibling went of rails at 17 + and moved out at 18.

I do sometimes clash with DH - as by early teens he was on his own a lot - cooking cleaning getting places - and sometimes at too young an age he's thought our kids should be doing that - a summer school when DD1 was 14 I said one of us would have to take her to next city he was adamant he'd have gone on his own at same age - got there everyone had parents and they had to be signed in.

Other parents can be a pain - the over protective ones and the one who are too lax who comment on what we do or interfere in plans but generally we just get on with life.

Having your own children makes you reflect on your own upbringing and parents, yes. I realize some of the stuff my parents did was a bit neglectful, but I also now realize how hard it is and I actually feel for them more. They had to make do with a lot less than what I have now, a lot less information, less support, less money.

I actually understand my poor mum better. She was always stressed and I didn't get it. I get it now.

The SAHM/working mum thing depends on views and your own experience. I felt my working mum wasn't present enough. But my MIL was a SAHM who dedicated herself to her kids. DH and his siblings had a hell of a lot fewer opportunities than I did because of the lack of money.

You can't do everything.

Only children and much longed for children being "spoilt". Older parents.

Now I'm raising my one and only I think it's lovely I have so much time and mental energy to give him. I used to brag about being one of many kids and the benefits of "benign neglect". Now I just feel sad for my parents who were so ambivalent about parenthood, and poor little me who thought that was normal.

My parents still have this weird attitude that children come when they want, as if they weren't irresponsible with contraception. I think it's to absolve themselves of the responsibility of choosing to be parents. My mum is still running away from the demands of children and grandchildren.

I feel you OP. I absolutely adored my parents and my mum is my best friend - but being a parent has actually changed my view of both of them.

My Dad exhibited some DV - both to mum and to me and my siblings. My mum always made out she was the victim and the best mum ever, and I believed her, but now I wonder why she didn't leave the first time someone laid hands on us. I wouldn't let a man hurt my children.

Ditto she was always running to me for emotional support, even as young as a three year old. I remember it made me feel so grown up - now I look at my tiny babies and think 'how could you put so much on such a tiny child?'

Anyway, it really changed my perspective and I struggled with it when I first had my DC.

I feel very lucky reading this thread. My parents were/are amazing and my parenting is a very similar style due to that. So it does annoy me when I hear that some people were told oh but it was the 80s etc because that’s not an excuse. I have plenty of friends the same age who also have lovely parents.

I’m just more relaxed about bedtimes as my mum was really strict on it and it did my head in as a teen. But that’s seriously the worst thing I can say! My DH however had neglectful parents similar stories to what people have written on here. He is not repeating the cycle and it horrified him how bad it was when he met me and my family as he never realised the full extent before.

Having children is a massive life shift OP, it’s completely normal for us to question our own parents when we become parents ourselves. We can suddenly appreciate how our parents’ felt or similarly wonder what the hell they were thinking,depending on our own childhood experiences.

I got all of this with my in-laws! Got told I was treating my child like a prisoner because she drank water and not fizzy drinks- at 2. Got laughed at for not using a second hand booster when she moved out of her baby car seat- and for not putting puffy jackets on in the car seat.

I also got a lot of comments when I breastfed because my baby would wake up to feed regularly when we visited but I got the last laugh with that one because my SIL had a baby a few years later that was bottle fed and she was a nightmare to get to sleep and fussy feeder.

This is interesting because my mum was the mumsy, overprotective mum who definitely lost herself in motherhood. It’s made me terrified of becoming a parent because I don’t want to do the same thing, and it’s caused me problems as an adult - I’ve been told I have a high opinion of myself and I have very high expectations of how much attention I should have etc. which definitely come from being completely spoiled with love and attention in childhood. I also found finding independence very hard as a teen and my mum and I have a fractious relationship now, although I do love her.

So maybe mums can’t win either way.

I'm nodding along to most of these posts. I remember looking at baby DS and feeling love, and then thinking there's no way this is how my parents felt.

The idea that families are to be enjoyed rather than endured came as quite a shock.