Having your own children making you question what you were told about other families

[comoatoupeira]

Does anyone else find that having children is making them not take the word of their own parents anymore as being the norm?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were obsessed with not being too hands-on, I was always praised for being independent etc. They were divorced, don't know if that's relevant?

My mum was always talking down about other parents (mums, let's be honest) who she thought were over-protective. So all the jokes in our house were about mums who wouldn't let their children do this or that because it was apparently dangerous, or mums who didn't work and would arrive 10 minutes early at the school gate to, apparently, show off their blow dry or outfit, or something.

Now I'm looking back on it as a parent myself and I'm looking it the other way: like, these were mums who were sorted and organized so they were on time, and they were stay at home mums for x number of reasons but one of them being they wanted to be with their kids after school. I'm looking at some things that happened to me, like some medical things, that my parents didn't really follow up on or help me with, and looking at it the other way: this was maybe a bit neglectful, and the helicopter-ish mums we laughed at would have been there for their children and helped them.

Maybe this is a cultural change thing because it was the 80s and cool to not be a mumsy mum, and now there's a cultural backlash going on where we are romanticizing motherhood and caring roles again.

Anyone relate?

like you say, things were different in the 80’s. There’s a lot to be said about encouraging independence

Me too! And in secret as we never talked about it

It's not nice to laugh at so called gym bunnies - sounds like jealousy to me. Then gloat when their husbands supposedly found a younger woman....

You may find therapy helps you process it. I had to do the same when I became a nanny. I remember being shocked, almost irritated that my boss was playing dinosaurs on the floor with her 3 year old one morning when I arrived, she was running late for work and her son was badgering her to play, so that’s what she did. It took me years to process that and understand why I was irritated.

Another mum boss used to read to her child in the mornings before she left for work, I remember thinking she was a performance parent. She wasn’t. She was a good parent.

my parents would never had played with me like that, and if they did it would result in fights/ being criticised.

I don’t think you do anything now OP apart from be a better parent than you had.
My adoptive parents gave us a great childhood , think foreign holidays when most people didn’t, yacht on the river and a speedboat on the lake, and I’m sure they did love us but I never ever remember once being hugged/told they loved me/told I was brilliant/beautiful etc etc.
Plus I have a fixable medical issue which they never fixed and for which I will never forgive them as I was teased horribly as a child. Which they never knew of course.

Can relate to everything you’re saying. My mum and tbh most of my relatives/ mums friends seemed to find parenting a chore. They were very uneducated women/ disadvantaged background and this is a pattern I still notice with these kinds of women now. My MIL and SIL act the same, children are a nuisance sort of outlook.
In my experience doing well for your kids such as feeding children properly, teaching them skills like swimming, breastfeeding, not allowing constant tv on etc is seen as posh or ‘getting notions’ in these sorts of cultures.

Reading this makes me so sad, I was a child in the 80/90's and my mum was the total opersit. She spent time with us, talked to us, did things with us. Taught me to sow, garden, helped a awful lot with my homework. She was a SAHM while I was little but went back to work when I was at school.

She died when I was 21 and I was devastated and felt like I had lost my best friend as well as my mum.

For me, it’s the other way around. As a teenager and young woman I was very critical of my parents but once I’d had my own children, I realised how difficult it really is, and made plenty of my own mistakes, so look back on my childhood with a lot more understanding and forgiveness.

Surprisingly enough, they did. Though I often question how the rest of us cousins did when I remember the family outings with 6 kids travelling in back seat of a 5 seat car, with two adults puffing away in the front and nothing but cheap cola and sausage rolls packed.

Yes, I had the functional stuff provided but no hugs or cuddles, definitely no sex ed/period info. I thought it was normal, it wasn't how I brought up my child

I never took my parent's word anyway. They weren't great tbh and I realised this from an early age. In fact for me I think having my o n children has made me a tiny bit more forgiving of some of my parents mistakes, especially because they do admit that they got a lot wrong.

Dh otoh always took his parents word as gospel. They were/are decent parents, but Dh definitely hasn't done things the way they did and thinks that they weren't as brilliant as they think they were.

I've realised that a lot of the people my mum criticised and made out to be awful were actually fine. It was my mum that was awful. My mum criticised me to people too, in my hearing, so I should really have realised, but when you are young you just accept what your mum tells you about people.

I agree. It’s a waste of time to be bitter at our parents although learning from their mistakes is helpful

I hear you loud and clear, OP. We all used to laugh as children about my cousin being incredibly spoiled and cosseted and about how much her parents faffed around her. When I had my own children, I realised she was actually just parented and looked after, unlike me and my sibling.

Yeah well they are setting their kids up to be equally disadvanted. Over time I believe this culture has a transgenerational epigentic inheritance

During COVID, we were allowed to meet, but not touch, you've never seen a mother so pleased that she couldn't hug her children, I think I'll always be upset by that.

That’s not the case here. The majority of working mums don’t have an option not to work.

I learned how to be a parent by not behaving the way my parents did towards me and my siblings. Being a parent myself highlighted many times over the years how badly we were treated and how I could never imagine treating my own child that way. They never would have taken any responsibility though if challenged and would definitely try and gaslight me and rewrite history.

Interesting thread.
I think there are an awful lot of us in middle age trying to work out if we had a 'Standard 80s Parenting' experience or if our parents were neglectful.
I find a lot of their decisions frustrating; encouraging me to smoke from the age of 14 because they'd much rather I was honest about smoking than did it behind their back and "make them look fools". My brother and I used to sleep in the car in a carpark so they could get blind drunk with all their friends and then drive home. That was pretty standard though and you just can't judge them by modern standards (even though I find it hard not to). They used to have screaming rows and throw crockery at each other while my brother and I cried in the bedroom - and even that was just them being the people they were able to be. But the bit I can't forgive is how much they disliked me and made sure I knew it. They still don't like me, and I still find that the hardest thing. Their narrative was that I was "a madam" and selfish, petty, unkind, witchy, sulky, nasty person. They told me that ALL the time. And I probably was, because I was told every day that's who I was. They mocked and derided me for having a horrible personality, but never once tried to teach me how to be a kind, generous, helpful person. That's pretty formative stuff, and I'm frustrated with them that they never though further than their next party or their next bottle of gin. I think they probably weren't clever enough to think it by themselves, and as others have said, there was no other sources of parenting information.

Yes.

My DD started secondary this year. When I started I struggled tremendously through year 7 as my mum was obsessed with me standing on my own 2 feet and how it was better in the long run.

I help DD with homework, prepping her bag, listening to endless hours of girl drama, I make sure she’s remembered to get her uniform out on a night etc. my mum would be horrified but in my mind 22 is still an age where kids need help and having to think of and do it all myself made me feel lonely and miserable

I think most of the childhoods described here border on neglect or are just simply abusive. So somethings are of their time - so it was acceptable to slap a child for discipline and not wear seatbelts or smoke in front of children. So that is understandable. But no reason not to hug or be warm or caring to your children in the 1970s/1980s. Also everyone makes mistakes but generally it's pretty essential that children feel that they are loved and supported.

I remember finally being allowed to join a club. Karate. I was sooo excited and loved that first session. Had to sort it all out myself of course, kit, getting home etc. All good except... I forgot to do one piece of homework that night. I wasn't allowed to go again as I obviously couldn't manage my time. I was 9.

My parents didn’t really talk about other families or compare to them as they just didn’t do that sort of thing, however having my own children has really made me question my own upbringing. It wasn’t awful or abusive or anything like that but it was cold, and I was very much the ‘unwanted second child’. I was never told “I love you” by either of my parents (and still that doesn’t happen now despite me being diagnosed with a life limiting disease), and I was always ‘lesser’ than my older brother.

Having my own children, I simply can’t understand that - I love them both fiercely and tell them several times a day so that it’s normal for them to hear it and say it. I also love them both absolutely equally and make sure they know that too- there might be times when one needs more of our time or support, but I always make sure the other one knows why and that they aren’t just left out in the cold. I also apologise to them when I’ve been unfair or snapped at them unnecessarily, and we all talk about our feelings which just wasn’t part of my 80s upper class childhood. Some parts of it were great and I encourage my own children to be outdoorsy and sporty and to be resilient and have an appropriate level of independence, but I also want them to be 100% certain that we will always always be there for them when they need us, no questions asked, and that I will be in their corner whenever they need me.

@comoatoupeira I think context of the times and background has to be taken into account too.

I had a professional middle class up bringing which in therapeutic terms is called I was bought up in "affluent neglect" I was a baby of the 60s.

I bought my children up in the 80s/90s. I changed alot of my own childhood but not all. My then children saw domestic abuse, like I did. The difference was I eventually got us out.

I look back on parenting then and there is alot of things I wouldn't do today that was the norm then.

I certainly one who was over protective of my children in obvious ways.

The generational abuse was finally broken by me but that's another story.

My mom generation she couldn't leave my dad has women from my mom background didn't leave, especially having children.

My children parent differently and we have discussed parenting and the generations taking in nature/nurture and the time.

I'm sure your children will have mutterings about your parenting when they grow. It's just the way the world is

I wish my parents had valued education more and guided me to reach my potential. They were always saying that as long as you tried your best and were happy then that was enough without really checking that this was the case. I was really bright at school but feel I lost my way in my teens and could really have done with a steer in the right direction. While I’m not at all pushy with my daughter I always make sure she knows her worth and realises that a good education means a more fulfilling future. She’s really bright also and I don’t want her to struggle financially in an unfulfilling job through lack of guidance and interest. My parents loved us very much but had no aspirations really above just making ends meet.